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Episode title: The Perfect Baby
Episode summary: What does anticipation feel like in your body? When it comes to pregnancy and the new journey to parenthood, how do you anticipate that’ll look like? What kind of child did you dream about having? How can we stay present when our mind flings us into the future?
Today we’ll dive into anticipation and how it is a deathtrap for an actors work and how it can be that for parents when we get stuck in our excitement, fear or anxiety when we anticipate our perfect baby.
Angelica Interlude
A Short Story Before We Go:
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
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Full Transcript
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well, I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA: The Parenting Edition, I’m Taisha Cameron. These lessons from the theatre for raising ourselves and our kids came about when I realized my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor. In today’s episode we’ll be talking about anticipation primarily in regards to pregnancy. We’ll explore some challenging questions, I’ll share some stories, and then we’ll end our episode with the Raise a Glass Series. So, without further ado, this is MFA.
Quote:
“It’s been a long
A long time comin’, but I know
A change gon’ come
Oh, yes it will”
Lyrics from “A Change is Gonna Come” written and recorded by Sam Cooke
Episode 22 – The Perfect Baby
Hello Hello darling! Welcome to 2021! Huzzah, we made it! Welcome to Black History Month, welcome to the Age of Aquarius, and welcome back or for the first time to the MFA Parenting podcast. It’s good to be back with you. I ended up taking a bigger break then originally I anticipated but I’m so excited to be starting up new stories with you in this new year full of possibilities.
I’m so glad you’ve taken out some time today to hang with me and contemplate big life questions. Speaking of questions:
Question – What does anticipation feel like in your body? When it comes to pregnancy and the new journey to parenthood, how do you anticipate that’ll look like? What kind of child did you dream about having? How can we stay present when our mind flings us into the future?
I recorded an episode. I recorded this episode. This is the third time in the last 3 weeks I’ve recorded this episode. This last time I stepped into the booth (a.k.a. my tiny walk-in closet) I couldn’t we…I couldn’t weed, I couldn’t read obviously that is what I meant to say, I couldn’t read what I had written because they felt bullshitty…I’m pretty sure that’s not an actual word that exists but you’d be surprised the words that sound crazy but in fact are listed in the dictionary. So, getting back to my bullshitty script, I just felt that what sounded good in my head and on paper or on a screen in a Word doc sounded disconnected with how I’m feeling and the topics I want to investigate with you.
I’ve been anticipating the start of season two for weeks and funny enough the topic I want to dig into is anticipation. So, let’s just start with the definition of the verb anticipate, to know beforehand, implies taking action about or responding emotionally to something before it happens, may imply merely getting ahead of another by being a precursor or forerunner or it may imply checking another's intention by acting first.
Verbs are theatre creator’s favorite kind of words because they are active, they make things happen. Actors are forever getting reminded by directors and acting teachers to stop anticipating. Because what happens when we respond to our scene partner the way we did at yesterday’s rehearsal in an autopilot way because we anticipated they were going to say their line the same way they did yesterday? What it says is we are more focused on what we are personally doing and making sure we say our line as the next step we’re supposed to do and we’re not really engaged in “doing” the scene with our partner. We miss the moment that our partner was experiencing something new and so that colored their line differently, their meaning and intent changed. They gave you a new gift to respond to. If you’re anticipating one thing and you get another you will probably end up missing the gift they gave you. An actor’s job is to listen. The running joke is that actors always skim through a script to see where they speak and how many lines they have and the rest is just bullshit, BUT, I’d argue that the most important role an actor can learn to play and play well is to listen and not have any lines. Think about all the times in your life when you are quiet but intensely taking in everything around you. When someone is talking to you, crying to you, yelling at you, pleading to you, you listen. But also, somewhere in there we stop listening because we start thinking about the next thing we’re going to say – we start formulating and anticipating our monologue in response to the situation. I realize how much I do that with Angelica.
As a parent, you get to know your kids BS and personality quirks very intimately. You can anticipate a meltdown before it happens. It makes us quick to say no or come up with a fast diversion or compromise as a way to control the situation. Yup, being a parent is really just a game of…game of thrones, yep, that’s it; we’re fighting our kids for power. That highlights the emotional side of anticipation. When we think of anticipation what feelings come to mind? Excitement, fear, anxiety; they’ll all stir up so many physical sensations in our body that can actually ground us in the present moment if we really tune into them. Does your heart beat faster? Does your stomach do weird sinking somersaults? Do you feel your blood moving through your body, like very close to the surface of your skin? Dry mouth? Sweaty palms? Fuzzy thoughts? A sparkle in your eye? Problem is a lot of times our brain highjacks this process and spirals us into future thinking mode.
Like with pregnancy. We’ll talk about that after this.
*Angelica Interlude
Mom: Alright, so we’re not doing the racing game anymore.
Angelica: Ok, I will do it. I’m not angry again.
Mom: That’s great. I’m so glad you’re not angry.
Angelica: Now we can do a race –
Mom: Angelica this is gonna be the last time cause I said we were gonna do three race, right?
Angelica: Yes.
Mom: This is gonna be the last race.
Angelica: Yes.
Mom: So are you ready?
Angelica: Yes.
Mom: Are you gonna run?
Angelica: Umm…yes.
Mom: Okay, perfect. After this race we’re done with the racing game.
Angelica: Okay!
Mom: Great.
Angelica: Let’s do your racing game.
Mom: It’s your racing game!
Angelica: It’s your racing game!
Mom: Uh, it’s our racing game.
Angelica: Okay –
Mom: On your mark.
Angelica: Teach me how to do your racing game. Teach me.
Mom: What?!
Angelica: (laughs)
Mom: Teach you how to play the racing game?! I feel like that’s all we’ve been going over are the rules of this game! You and I have to run and touch the closet door.
Angelica: We have to teach ourselves to run.
Mom: We have to now teach ourselves to run?
Angelica: YEAH!!!!
Mom: That’s not part of this. We already know how to run.
Angelica: (laughs)
Mom: Stop changing the rules. Alright, let’s do it –
Angelica: (giggles) What game is yours!
Mom: What?
Angleica: (giggles)
Mom: Get back here. You can’t inch your way over there. Stand up let’s do this. On your mark get – oh what you’re gonna frog jump over there? Stand up.
Angelica: Ribbit.
Mom: If you wanna frog jump I’m gonna run, I’m just gon’ let you know that right now. On your mark, get set, GO!...and again, I get over here you haven’t moved at all.
The Perfect Baby
Pregnancy causes all the feels. You can be super excited, like anticipating the birth of your child. You can be filled with fear or even dread anticipating the birth of your child. You can be anxious and unsettled anticipating…yup, you got it the birth of your child.
We hear all the beauty and horror stories and know our own experience will lie somewhere between those extremes. Where? Who knows?! As a way to digest the generations of stories we are now carrying we may try to control the pregnancy and childbirth experience by consuming a lot of information to both enjoy the process in anticipation of our child’s arrival or to anticipate all the negative outcomes and try to defy them. Like we’re Defying Gravity, let me not, that’s just not somewhere I should go right now. Umm…Ahahahaha, okay I went there.
What I came to realize going through my experience, my pregnancy and childbirth, was that one thing almost every person anticipates is their version of the “Perfect Baby.” We sit around with our partners, friends, and family and imagine what this munchkin will be like,
Omigod, I want it to look just like you because you are just so adorable and oh god wouldn’t they just be the cutest little thing. Oh man, they’re gonna be so smart and kind. Watch she’s gonna be such an angel oh and a heartbreaker – boys watch out. I don’t care about those things I just want them to be healthy. I just pray they’re healthy. I hope it’s a boy, girls will give you hell when they grow up. I hope it’s a girl, they’re more calm then boys when they’re little and mature faster; also they’re the one’s that’ll take care of you when you’re old and senile. I just want it to be healthy.
If you’re a parent, or dream of becoming a parent, these thoughts or similar one’s are part of pregnancy. We have no idea what our child will actually be like but we dream about “the perfect baby.” How many times did you picture dressing them in the cutest outfit, having the perfect infant photoshoot, imagined how quickly they’d hit their developmental milestones and you could be like BAM our child wins at development WHAT!!! take that parents our kids a genius superstar?!!! Even when we tell ourselves, and others, all we want is a healthy baby, it’s still kind of lying to ourselves, because we don’t just want a healthy baby. We want a baby that will excel and thrive. And also, we say that “healthy baby prayer” because yes, we don’t want our future child to have to go through heartache, trauma, suffering, pain; and we don’t want to have to go through any of that by proxy. And maybe, maybe, in the depths of our hearts we feel we are not up for the challenge of an unhealthy child’s needs or whatever their special needs will require of us and then deal with how people will treat us based on the type of kid we have. There are tons of marriages that end because one partner cannot handle, or chooses to not handle, the challenges of their child. Dream babies are just that, they are the child you picture in your dreams and that is never the child you get.
So lovelies, I’ll ask you again…
What does anticipation feel like in your body?
How can we stay present when our mind flings us into the future?
Dream babies are fantasies. Fantasies are created from our anticipation. Anticipating events and outcomes of situations can create suffering if we get stuck in the imaginative aspect of it and allow our brains to run wild with excitement or get clouded by anxiety. Crafting a dream image of what your child will look like, the most ideal pregnancy, and glorious birthing experience is wonderful. Putting out positive thoughts and vibes to the world is so healthy. Do it, yes! We have to remember to be honest with ourselves about all the possibilities that exist with bringing a life into the world and find a way to roll with it. Recognizing how your body is triggered due to whatever you might be anticipating is the key to keeping your mind from getting stuck in dwelling on or fantasizing about the future. Pay attention to all those physical sensations that show up and tune into them. Pick one and focus in on it and ride it out ‘til the end. That’s the way we connect to the present. That’s the way we keep ourselves grounded in reality. Because the reality is, and I know this for a fact, the pregnancy you would like to have, the childbirth you would like to have, the experience of the time home with your infant, is not always what you are going to get it. If you get it, God bless. But most of the time, it doesn’t actually work out that way. So we have to figure out how to come to terms with what we anticipate or our expectations, what reality is and how we find a way to find peace when things are out of our control.
A Short Story Before We Go
Six days. That’s how long it took before she could hold her child. Well, could is probably not the right word. Felt it was possible. Was less afraid to. Finally asked permission if she was allowed. The newborn laid on her back in her isolette for six days with tubes attached to her. She was not a preemie. She was not underweight. She was an average sized full term baby with complications and she looked fragile.
Her mother was not sure if she could hold her. The tubes scared her. What if she held her wrong or something got stuck, would it kill her child? Better to be safe.
“You can go see her once you can get out of the bed.”
Why couldn’t they just bring the baby to me, she thought. Then she remembered her daughter is in the NICU. Those babies can’t travel. Passport denied. Her surgery was hours ago but she still felt so weak. Every time she tried to gather her strength to stand all her loved one’s, and the nurses, told her to sit down and rest. They didn’t have a baby waiting for them down the hall. She was getting up from this bed. And sure enough the effort to move was too much and she crashed back to the bed and fell asleep.
This was not the way it was supposed to go, she thought. The c-section was no surprise but there was supposed to be skin to skin. That’s how you bond with your child. If you don’t have that, how do you connect with your child? That’s what they had planned; it was the one thing that was meant to make all the other uncertainties be okay. They anticipated a family hug once the baby was born. It didn’t happen.
Day six was a summer Saturday. Not that the weather had anything to do with the moment of contact because they’re in a hospital; you can’t sense weather or time in a hospital. If you do not work there or have never established some sort of schedule or routine in regards to your stay in a hospital the concept of time dwindles away relatively quickly. Maybe that’s why so many days had passes before this moment took place.
“Can I hold her,” she asked the nurse, “I haven’t held her yet.” She felt her little girl looked less fragile day, even with all the tubes and wires still connected. “You haven’t held her yet?” the nurse asked with a warm smile of surprise. “No…I guess…I don’t know. She looked…I didn’t know if I…I didn’t know if…” she couldn’t find the right words because now she felt a bit embarrassed. She felt like she’d been playing a game wrong the whole time and someone finally taught her the rules. “Of course. Let me get you a pillow.”
Six days, one hour, and 25 minutes later she held her newborn in her arms. It was better than any idea she had anticipated. As her tiny little face looked back at her she cried. She cried the tears every mother cried for her child whom has stolen not just part of her heart but her whole heart. She laughed and cried until her shirt was drenched and her cheeks stained with dried salty tears.
“Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mom, hold me hold me hold me hold me hold meee!” her daughter cries. She wants to tell her no, not now, she has to wait, mommy’s busy, and sometimes she does but not now. When she looked into her daughter’s fake tears and scrunched up pretend cry she saw the tiny baby six days old who hadn’t been held by her mom and scoops down to pick her up. Is it unhealthy? Maybe. But right now, she doesn’t care because her daughter is in her arms and in that moment for that second before another tiny meltdown begins, they are at peace, safe, loved, and it’s beautiful.
Raise A Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“Dear Theodosia, what to say to you? You have my eyes, you have your mother’s name; When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart”
We anticipate this moment. This first connection with our child changes us. Not in the movie or music versions with instrumentals swelling and religious halo’s of light bursting to frame the people in the picture. It’s subtle. It creeps up on you. The impact your child has on you chisels itself deeper into your heart over time. Being a parent is a lot like being an actor. You spend so much time preparing for the moment your child arrives – performance day. That day changes everything for the relationship you’ve been building with that other person, your new scene partner. They are born and the scenes are new and you realize everything you’ve prepared for, how you would react to situations, are changing and this play has now turned into a dramatic (and definitely comedic) improv because you are working to establish a new story with this new character.
Let’s raise a glass to celebrating the beauty of being rocked on our ass by our child’s love and presence in our life.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me; I know you have so many choices when it comes to podcast listening and I appreciate you choosing to spend time with me today.
This season I’ll be adding a few new pieces to our adventure. One is the Play Series. We’ll look at a few plays to examine how they address themes connected to family and parenting dynamics. The first play we’ll be exploring is Fences by August Wilson and that will be next week. If you haven’t read it or seen a production and want to do some homework on it before we dissect the Maxson family, Amazon Prime Video has the film adaptation with Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. They are phenomenal and the script is exactly the script from the play. Go watch it, they are wonderful in it and you’ll be ready for next week.
Speaking of Fences, I started a Word Scramble game on Instagram and I have a winner to shout out in this episode. This week’s winner of the first ever MFA Parenting Word Scramble Wednesday is Cassandra on Instgram @cass_n_cam (she also is my little sister). Congratulations on your sleuth skills and theatre knowledge. Each Wednesday I’ll have the name of another play scrambled up both in the @mfaparentingedition feed and story. So all you have to do is guess the name, DM me the answer to be submitted to win. This weeks prize was a shout out on the podcast for the very first episode of season two. The prizes will change (nothing major) but play along and have some fun.
One last minute order of business:
I started a support the podcast page through Buy Me a Coffee that also has a membership option. Here’s the thing, I actually don’t like coffee so my page is Buy Me a Drink! “I’mma buy you a drink ooh ooh eee ooh and,” no okay. Guys, I bust out into random song a lot, like the amount of times I do it within a podcast episode is nothing to the amount of times I do it in my everyday life. So, that’s why it happens, you’re getting to see a little bit more of me just geeking out. Alright, back to the support page for the podcast.
Now you can make a onetime gift of support and love to the show or join the membership if you’d like to continue gifting on an ongoing basis. I don’t have any little treats in the membership section yet but I will start to include some this weekend and will keep a few added throughout the month; just a few little bonus goodies to say thank you for choosing to support the show on a regular basis. If you enjoy this show and would like to make a monetary gift you can go to buymeacoffe.com/mfaparenting and leave a gift there. The link will be in the show notes below.
Giving doesn’t have to be a monetary contribution. Sharing this podcast with a friend, leaving a rating and review, following the show on Instagram all are free ways you can support the podcast and the work that I’m doing as an artist and mother. And these are ways we can work together to grow this community. I can’t do it alone; I do need you’re your help. Anyone who knows me very well knows me asking for help is not the easiest thing for me because I’m too stubborn and prideful for my own good. Motherhood has been teaching me the necessity for asking for help. So, are you onboard to aid me in growing this podcast to our wildest dreams?! I hope you are!
Check the show notes to link to any of those free gifts of kindness and love or to send support from your wallet click the buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting link below.
Alright, thank you again and I’ll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.
Episode summary: What does anticipation feel like in your body? When it comes to pregnancy and the new journey to parenthood, how do you anticipate that’ll look like? What kind of child did you dream about having? How can we stay present when our mind flings us into the future?
Today we’ll dive into anticipation and how it is a deathtrap for an actors work and how it can be that for parents when we get stuck in our excitement, fear or anxiety when we anticipate our perfect baby.
Angelica Interlude
- The race that never happened
A Short Story Before We Go:
- And On the Sixth Day
- A motherhood moment of bonding, love, patience, and strength
- The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
- Today’s lyrics – “Dear Theodosia, what to say to you? You have my eyes, you have your mother’s name; When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart” ~ Aaron Burr
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
- RateThisPodcast.com/mfaparentingedition
- Now you can leave a review and love for the show even if you don’t have Apple Podcasts. Click the link and select the review site of your choice; it’s that easy.
- Buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
- Support the podcast by buying me a drink (one that’s not coffee please, yuck). You have the option to make a onetime gift or select the membership tab and you can get me drinks every month or for a whole year. If you are afraid of making me an alcoholic know that the money will most likely be going back into the podcast to pay for all the expenses and future equipment upgrades.
- Support isn’t just about money: sharing the podcast with a friend, rating and writing a review, and following me on Instagram @mfaparentingedition are all completely free ways to show your love for the show that make a huge impact on helping it grow.
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Full Transcript
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well, I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA: The Parenting Edition, I’m Taisha Cameron. These lessons from the theatre for raising ourselves and our kids came about when I realized my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor. In today’s episode we’ll be talking about anticipation primarily in regards to pregnancy. We’ll explore some challenging questions, I’ll share some stories, and then we’ll end our episode with the Raise a Glass Series. So, without further ado, this is MFA.
Quote:
“It’s been a long
A long time comin’, but I know
A change gon’ come
Oh, yes it will”
Lyrics from “A Change is Gonna Come” written and recorded by Sam Cooke
Episode 22 – The Perfect Baby
Hello Hello darling! Welcome to 2021! Huzzah, we made it! Welcome to Black History Month, welcome to the Age of Aquarius, and welcome back or for the first time to the MFA Parenting podcast. It’s good to be back with you. I ended up taking a bigger break then originally I anticipated but I’m so excited to be starting up new stories with you in this new year full of possibilities.
I’m so glad you’ve taken out some time today to hang with me and contemplate big life questions. Speaking of questions:
Question – What does anticipation feel like in your body? When it comes to pregnancy and the new journey to parenthood, how do you anticipate that’ll look like? What kind of child did you dream about having? How can we stay present when our mind flings us into the future?
I recorded an episode. I recorded this episode. This is the third time in the last 3 weeks I’ve recorded this episode. This last time I stepped into the booth (a.k.a. my tiny walk-in closet) I couldn’t we…I couldn’t weed, I couldn’t read obviously that is what I meant to say, I couldn’t read what I had written because they felt bullshitty…I’m pretty sure that’s not an actual word that exists but you’d be surprised the words that sound crazy but in fact are listed in the dictionary. So, getting back to my bullshitty script, I just felt that what sounded good in my head and on paper or on a screen in a Word doc sounded disconnected with how I’m feeling and the topics I want to investigate with you.
I’ve been anticipating the start of season two for weeks and funny enough the topic I want to dig into is anticipation. So, let’s just start with the definition of the verb anticipate, to know beforehand, implies taking action about or responding emotionally to something before it happens, may imply merely getting ahead of another by being a precursor or forerunner or it may imply checking another's intention by acting first.
Verbs are theatre creator’s favorite kind of words because they are active, they make things happen. Actors are forever getting reminded by directors and acting teachers to stop anticipating. Because what happens when we respond to our scene partner the way we did at yesterday’s rehearsal in an autopilot way because we anticipated they were going to say their line the same way they did yesterday? What it says is we are more focused on what we are personally doing and making sure we say our line as the next step we’re supposed to do and we’re not really engaged in “doing” the scene with our partner. We miss the moment that our partner was experiencing something new and so that colored their line differently, their meaning and intent changed. They gave you a new gift to respond to. If you’re anticipating one thing and you get another you will probably end up missing the gift they gave you. An actor’s job is to listen. The running joke is that actors always skim through a script to see where they speak and how many lines they have and the rest is just bullshit, BUT, I’d argue that the most important role an actor can learn to play and play well is to listen and not have any lines. Think about all the times in your life when you are quiet but intensely taking in everything around you. When someone is talking to you, crying to you, yelling at you, pleading to you, you listen. But also, somewhere in there we stop listening because we start thinking about the next thing we’re going to say – we start formulating and anticipating our monologue in response to the situation. I realize how much I do that with Angelica.
As a parent, you get to know your kids BS and personality quirks very intimately. You can anticipate a meltdown before it happens. It makes us quick to say no or come up with a fast diversion or compromise as a way to control the situation. Yup, being a parent is really just a game of…game of thrones, yep, that’s it; we’re fighting our kids for power. That highlights the emotional side of anticipation. When we think of anticipation what feelings come to mind? Excitement, fear, anxiety; they’ll all stir up so many physical sensations in our body that can actually ground us in the present moment if we really tune into them. Does your heart beat faster? Does your stomach do weird sinking somersaults? Do you feel your blood moving through your body, like very close to the surface of your skin? Dry mouth? Sweaty palms? Fuzzy thoughts? A sparkle in your eye? Problem is a lot of times our brain highjacks this process and spirals us into future thinking mode.
Like with pregnancy. We’ll talk about that after this.
*Angelica Interlude
Mom: Alright, so we’re not doing the racing game anymore.
Angelica: Ok, I will do it. I’m not angry again.
Mom: That’s great. I’m so glad you’re not angry.
Angelica: Now we can do a race –
Mom: Angelica this is gonna be the last time cause I said we were gonna do three race, right?
Angelica: Yes.
Mom: This is gonna be the last race.
Angelica: Yes.
Mom: So are you ready?
Angelica: Yes.
Mom: Are you gonna run?
Angelica: Umm…yes.
Mom: Okay, perfect. After this race we’re done with the racing game.
Angelica: Okay!
Mom: Great.
Angelica: Let’s do your racing game.
Mom: It’s your racing game!
Angelica: It’s your racing game!
Mom: Uh, it’s our racing game.
Angelica: Okay –
Mom: On your mark.
Angelica: Teach me how to do your racing game. Teach me.
Mom: What?!
Angelica: (laughs)
Mom: Teach you how to play the racing game?! I feel like that’s all we’ve been going over are the rules of this game! You and I have to run and touch the closet door.
Angelica: We have to teach ourselves to run.
Mom: We have to now teach ourselves to run?
Angelica: YEAH!!!!
Mom: That’s not part of this. We already know how to run.
Angelica: (laughs)
Mom: Stop changing the rules. Alright, let’s do it –
Angelica: (giggles) What game is yours!
Mom: What?
Angleica: (giggles)
Mom: Get back here. You can’t inch your way over there. Stand up let’s do this. On your mark get – oh what you’re gonna frog jump over there? Stand up.
Angelica: Ribbit.
Mom: If you wanna frog jump I’m gonna run, I’m just gon’ let you know that right now. On your mark, get set, GO!...and again, I get over here you haven’t moved at all.
The Perfect Baby
Pregnancy causes all the feels. You can be super excited, like anticipating the birth of your child. You can be filled with fear or even dread anticipating the birth of your child. You can be anxious and unsettled anticipating…yup, you got it the birth of your child.
We hear all the beauty and horror stories and know our own experience will lie somewhere between those extremes. Where? Who knows?! As a way to digest the generations of stories we are now carrying we may try to control the pregnancy and childbirth experience by consuming a lot of information to both enjoy the process in anticipation of our child’s arrival or to anticipate all the negative outcomes and try to defy them. Like we’re Defying Gravity, let me not, that’s just not somewhere I should go right now. Umm…Ahahahaha, okay I went there.
What I came to realize going through my experience, my pregnancy and childbirth, was that one thing almost every person anticipates is their version of the “Perfect Baby.” We sit around with our partners, friends, and family and imagine what this munchkin will be like,
Omigod, I want it to look just like you because you are just so adorable and oh god wouldn’t they just be the cutest little thing. Oh man, they’re gonna be so smart and kind. Watch she’s gonna be such an angel oh and a heartbreaker – boys watch out. I don’t care about those things I just want them to be healthy. I just pray they’re healthy. I hope it’s a boy, girls will give you hell when they grow up. I hope it’s a girl, they’re more calm then boys when they’re little and mature faster; also they’re the one’s that’ll take care of you when you’re old and senile. I just want it to be healthy.
If you’re a parent, or dream of becoming a parent, these thoughts or similar one’s are part of pregnancy. We have no idea what our child will actually be like but we dream about “the perfect baby.” How many times did you picture dressing them in the cutest outfit, having the perfect infant photoshoot, imagined how quickly they’d hit their developmental milestones and you could be like BAM our child wins at development WHAT!!! take that parents our kids a genius superstar?!!! Even when we tell ourselves, and others, all we want is a healthy baby, it’s still kind of lying to ourselves, because we don’t just want a healthy baby. We want a baby that will excel and thrive. And also, we say that “healthy baby prayer” because yes, we don’t want our future child to have to go through heartache, trauma, suffering, pain; and we don’t want to have to go through any of that by proxy. And maybe, maybe, in the depths of our hearts we feel we are not up for the challenge of an unhealthy child’s needs or whatever their special needs will require of us and then deal with how people will treat us based on the type of kid we have. There are tons of marriages that end because one partner cannot handle, or chooses to not handle, the challenges of their child. Dream babies are just that, they are the child you picture in your dreams and that is never the child you get.
So lovelies, I’ll ask you again…
What does anticipation feel like in your body?
How can we stay present when our mind flings us into the future?
Dream babies are fantasies. Fantasies are created from our anticipation. Anticipating events and outcomes of situations can create suffering if we get stuck in the imaginative aspect of it and allow our brains to run wild with excitement or get clouded by anxiety. Crafting a dream image of what your child will look like, the most ideal pregnancy, and glorious birthing experience is wonderful. Putting out positive thoughts and vibes to the world is so healthy. Do it, yes! We have to remember to be honest with ourselves about all the possibilities that exist with bringing a life into the world and find a way to roll with it. Recognizing how your body is triggered due to whatever you might be anticipating is the key to keeping your mind from getting stuck in dwelling on or fantasizing about the future. Pay attention to all those physical sensations that show up and tune into them. Pick one and focus in on it and ride it out ‘til the end. That’s the way we connect to the present. That’s the way we keep ourselves grounded in reality. Because the reality is, and I know this for a fact, the pregnancy you would like to have, the childbirth you would like to have, the experience of the time home with your infant, is not always what you are going to get it. If you get it, God bless. But most of the time, it doesn’t actually work out that way. So we have to figure out how to come to terms with what we anticipate or our expectations, what reality is and how we find a way to find peace when things are out of our control.
A Short Story Before We Go
Six days. That’s how long it took before she could hold her child. Well, could is probably not the right word. Felt it was possible. Was less afraid to. Finally asked permission if she was allowed. The newborn laid on her back in her isolette for six days with tubes attached to her. She was not a preemie. She was not underweight. She was an average sized full term baby with complications and she looked fragile.
Her mother was not sure if she could hold her. The tubes scared her. What if she held her wrong or something got stuck, would it kill her child? Better to be safe.
“You can go see her once you can get out of the bed.”
Why couldn’t they just bring the baby to me, she thought. Then she remembered her daughter is in the NICU. Those babies can’t travel. Passport denied. Her surgery was hours ago but she still felt so weak. Every time she tried to gather her strength to stand all her loved one’s, and the nurses, told her to sit down and rest. They didn’t have a baby waiting for them down the hall. She was getting up from this bed. And sure enough the effort to move was too much and she crashed back to the bed and fell asleep.
This was not the way it was supposed to go, she thought. The c-section was no surprise but there was supposed to be skin to skin. That’s how you bond with your child. If you don’t have that, how do you connect with your child? That’s what they had planned; it was the one thing that was meant to make all the other uncertainties be okay. They anticipated a family hug once the baby was born. It didn’t happen.
Day six was a summer Saturday. Not that the weather had anything to do with the moment of contact because they’re in a hospital; you can’t sense weather or time in a hospital. If you do not work there or have never established some sort of schedule or routine in regards to your stay in a hospital the concept of time dwindles away relatively quickly. Maybe that’s why so many days had passes before this moment took place.
“Can I hold her,” she asked the nurse, “I haven’t held her yet.” She felt her little girl looked less fragile day, even with all the tubes and wires still connected. “You haven’t held her yet?” the nurse asked with a warm smile of surprise. “No…I guess…I don’t know. She looked…I didn’t know if I…I didn’t know if…” she couldn’t find the right words because now she felt a bit embarrassed. She felt like she’d been playing a game wrong the whole time and someone finally taught her the rules. “Of course. Let me get you a pillow.”
Six days, one hour, and 25 minutes later she held her newborn in her arms. It was better than any idea she had anticipated. As her tiny little face looked back at her she cried. She cried the tears every mother cried for her child whom has stolen not just part of her heart but her whole heart. She laughed and cried until her shirt was drenched and her cheeks stained with dried salty tears.
“Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mom, hold me hold me hold me hold me hold meee!” her daughter cries. She wants to tell her no, not now, she has to wait, mommy’s busy, and sometimes she does but not now. When she looked into her daughter’s fake tears and scrunched up pretend cry she saw the tiny baby six days old who hadn’t been held by her mom and scoops down to pick her up. Is it unhealthy? Maybe. But right now, she doesn’t care because her daughter is in her arms and in that moment for that second before another tiny meltdown begins, they are at peace, safe, loved, and it’s beautiful.
Raise A Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“Dear Theodosia, what to say to you? You have my eyes, you have your mother’s name; When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart”
We anticipate this moment. This first connection with our child changes us. Not in the movie or music versions with instrumentals swelling and religious halo’s of light bursting to frame the people in the picture. It’s subtle. It creeps up on you. The impact your child has on you chisels itself deeper into your heart over time. Being a parent is a lot like being an actor. You spend so much time preparing for the moment your child arrives – performance day. That day changes everything for the relationship you’ve been building with that other person, your new scene partner. They are born and the scenes are new and you realize everything you’ve prepared for, how you would react to situations, are changing and this play has now turned into a dramatic (and definitely comedic) improv because you are working to establish a new story with this new character.
Let’s raise a glass to celebrating the beauty of being rocked on our ass by our child’s love and presence in our life.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me; I know you have so many choices when it comes to podcast listening and I appreciate you choosing to spend time with me today.
This season I’ll be adding a few new pieces to our adventure. One is the Play Series. We’ll look at a few plays to examine how they address themes connected to family and parenting dynamics. The first play we’ll be exploring is Fences by August Wilson and that will be next week. If you haven’t read it or seen a production and want to do some homework on it before we dissect the Maxson family, Amazon Prime Video has the film adaptation with Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. They are phenomenal and the script is exactly the script from the play. Go watch it, they are wonderful in it and you’ll be ready for next week.
Speaking of Fences, I started a Word Scramble game on Instagram and I have a winner to shout out in this episode. This week’s winner of the first ever MFA Parenting Word Scramble Wednesday is Cassandra on Instgram @cass_n_cam (she also is my little sister). Congratulations on your sleuth skills and theatre knowledge. Each Wednesday I’ll have the name of another play scrambled up both in the @mfaparentingedition feed and story. So all you have to do is guess the name, DM me the answer to be submitted to win. This weeks prize was a shout out on the podcast for the very first episode of season two. The prizes will change (nothing major) but play along and have some fun.
One last minute order of business:
I started a support the podcast page through Buy Me a Coffee that also has a membership option. Here’s the thing, I actually don’t like coffee so my page is Buy Me a Drink! “I’mma buy you a drink ooh ooh eee ooh and,” no okay. Guys, I bust out into random song a lot, like the amount of times I do it within a podcast episode is nothing to the amount of times I do it in my everyday life. So, that’s why it happens, you’re getting to see a little bit more of me just geeking out. Alright, back to the support page for the podcast.
Now you can make a onetime gift of support and love to the show or join the membership if you’d like to continue gifting on an ongoing basis. I don’t have any little treats in the membership section yet but I will start to include some this weekend and will keep a few added throughout the month; just a few little bonus goodies to say thank you for choosing to support the show on a regular basis. If you enjoy this show and would like to make a monetary gift you can go to buymeacoffe.com/mfaparenting and leave a gift there. The link will be in the show notes below.
Giving doesn’t have to be a monetary contribution. Sharing this podcast with a friend, leaving a rating and review, following the show on Instagram all are free ways you can support the podcast and the work that I’m doing as an artist and mother. And these are ways we can work together to grow this community. I can’t do it alone; I do need you’re your help. Anyone who knows me very well knows me asking for help is not the easiest thing for me because I’m too stubborn and prideful for my own good. Motherhood has been teaching me the necessity for asking for help. So, are you onboard to aid me in growing this podcast to our wildest dreams?! I hope you are!
Check the show notes to link to any of those free gifts of kindness and love or to send support from your wallet click the buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting link below.
Alright, thank you again and I’ll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.