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MFA: THE PARENTING EDITION EPISODE 10 SHOW NOTES
Episode title: The Song & Dance of Parenting
Episode summary: How often do we battle with what we want to do and say and how we allow ourselves to respond to situations? How does our expressiveness get diminished through life? How do we train ourselves to raise our kids the way we would like as opposed to the way we’ve been conditioned? Do we parent different when people are watching? Do we tend to “sell” things to our kids to increase their cooperation but also, if we’re honest to control their emotional…what’s the word…expressiveness?
Today’s episode is the last installment in our 7-part series on the Method and we’ll be looking at the song & dance exercise. We’ll also be expanding on the song & dance topic from episode 3 and then wrapping up all we’ve learned.
Previously on MFA
The Song & Dance Exercise
Battle Against Your Will
What in the holy hell does any of this have to do with parenting???!!!
Angelica Interlude
The Song & Dance of Parenting
A Short Story Before We Go:
The Raise a Glass Series:
Episode transcript: See full transcript below.
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
Sources that inspired this episode or random tidbits of knowledge:
-------------
Full Transcript
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA: The Parenting Edition, I’m Taisha Cameron. These lessons from the theatre for raising ourselves and our kids came about when I realized my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor. Today’s episode is the last installment in our 7-part series on the Method and we’ll be looking at the song & dance exercise. We’ll also be expanding on the song & dance topic from episode 3 and then wrapping up all we’ve learned. We’ll explore some challenging questions, I’ll share some stories, and then we’ll end our episode with the Raise a Glass Series. So, without further ado, this is MFA.
Previously on MFA: The Parenting Edition
We finally made our way to the emotional memory exercise. We examined the history of emotional memory work (sometimes called affective memory). We delved into the importance of emotional intelligence, how to cultivate it within ourselves and nurture it in our children. We discovered how Harry Potter used the emotional memory exercise in the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Now you’re all caught up…of course if all of that meant nothing to you, you should probably go back and listen to episode ten.
Quote: “And though she be but little, she is fierce.” Helena in A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Episode Eleven – The Song & Dance of Parenting
Question – how often do we battle with what we want to do and say and how we allow ourselves to respond to situations? How does our expressiveness get diminished through life? How do we train ourselves to raise our kids the way we would like as opposed to the way we’ve been conditioned? Do we parent different when people are watching? Do we tend to “sell” things to our kids to increase their cooperation but also, if we’re honest to control their emotional…what’s the word…expressiveness?
The Song & Dance Exercise
The 1940-1950’s mark the Golden Age of the American Musical. Many singers and dancers were turning to the study of acting to meet these heightened character demands. Strasberg created the song & dance exercise as a way to break through their ingrained habits created by extensive training. When he realized how successful it was, he began using this exercise with his acting students as well. “The point of the exercise is that whatever is happening must come through,” says Strasberg. This thing he speaks of that is happening, he describes it as the “connection between impulse and expression, which leads to full and intense expressiveness.” What does that mean? Here’s an example.
Angelica is three years old, so she lacks that thing called…impulse control. God willing, she’ll develop it one day but its lack thereof accounts for her grabbing her full cup of water and turning it upside down during dinner, her use of “NO” to really anything that his asked of her, her decision to throw a basketball at the tv after she’s been told not to, her screams of defiant rage when being told it was time to clean up her toys before bed (or really at any point in the day her mess reaches the level my brain can’t function anymore), there are so many more examples but you get the gist. She has an impulse to do or say something and she executes with full intense expressiveness. This is probably the most honest she’ll be in her whole life. Part of that realization makes me sad and the other part makes me hopeful because if we all responded to every single impulse we had without thinking, this world would’ve been annihilated a long long time ago. We obviously, have to develop impulse control and learn to express ourselves in ways that are healthy for our own wellbeing and the wellbeing of others; but how much of our ability to express our personal needs and desires in healthy ways, gets stifled in our learning how to live well with others.
Battle Against Your Will
How to do the song & dance exercise:
Strasberg would start by having the actor stand in front of the audience and do nothing. You may be thinking, “Oh, people payed money to be told to stand up and do nothing. Umm, that’s dumb, I can do that for free.” But can you, I mean, can you? The fascinating thing he discovered was the things that people do when they’re asked to do nothing. We all have unconscious behaviors that show themselves when we feel not as in control as we would like. How many of us can honestly, stand in front of a group of people and be so at ease in our skin we can stand there doing absolutely nothing and be fine. That means no nervous laughter, or unnecessary shifting of weight between feet, no twitching, no hiding in yourself or making yourself appear bigger or more in control than you are? Can we find stillness of the mind and body in front of other people?
Then he’d ask them to sing a song, something simple and familiar like Happy Birthday or a nursery rhyme or something, but they had to sing it differently. So, using Happy Birthday (because he did in his book and I recall that being used in my class also) the actor would sing each syllable on one sustained breath while retaining the melody. Now, this was designed purely as an exercise of will to encourage actors to break against verbal patterns and involuntary movement habits (because those seem to be things that come up during this exercise). People will get emotional during this and, because whatever’s happening must come through, they’re encouraged to explore what emotion they’re feeling and let that be part of the sound.
The next part is the dance section, which isn’t so much Thriller choreography as it is spontaneous gesture. So, the actor starts the same way, just at ease towards audience, and then they move their body without deciding beforehand what you’re going to do. They move again with a different spontaneous gesture. When they repeat the movements together, they’ll develop a sequence with a rhythm.
Once the actors found their rhythm they add in the song they were working on. The song’s gotta explode, so instead of each syllable being extended now they shoot out in staccato bursts of energy. Now you’re still doing whatever you’re movement pattern was and have added in the sound burst, and this may in fact not be in sync (omg I loved them! I must’ve seen them at least 5 times in concert)…but, moving on, the goal of the exercise is to show the actor they “can be both spontaneous…and at the same time able to repeat what he had spontaneously arrived at.”
What in the holy hell does this have to do with parenting???!!!
Working to become a more conscious parent and use more respectful parenting styles may not be part of our instinctive DNA. I was blessed to have been raised in a loving home with two parents who made a conscious choice to parent differently then they were raised, particularly in the area of discipline. Their choice kept my bottom and every part of my body spanking free. But we tend to parent the way we were parented (whether we considered that a good or bad experience). Deliberately going against what happens habitually, is a constant process that takes discipline and an enormous amount of patience.
The song & dance exercise reveals our insecurities about being watched. It highlights our verbal patterns and physical inhibitions or habits. As a mom, one thing it makes me consider is the notion of how we parent when others are present. Do we parent differently when people are watching? Is it possible to be so hyper aware of ourselves to recognize our insecurities and ticks that let us know we are uncomfortable, apprehensive, growing frustrated and find a way to redirect our energy, because our kids pick up on it. So now we’re in a heightened place of unease and our scene partners (our kids) recognize this and follow their impulses to control or change a situation the best way they can. And if you’re anything like me, their full and intense expression does nothing to quiet the storm raging within you. How can we show them a calm respectful presence in the face of unease?
* Angelica Interlude
Singing “My Shot”
Angelica: I just like my country, I scappy an hungy, and I’m not throwing away my shot!
Mom: That was awesome!
Angelica: I not throwing away my shot anymore!
Mom: Good for you girl, good for you.
Angelica: Big hug!
The Song & Dance of Parenting
Let’s take a quick look back at the “Let Me Entertain You” episode when I posed the question:
this song & dance we do to engage with our children, is it a requirement? What do I mean by song & dance? I mean do we have to know how to be clowns, princess & princes, pirates, singers, songwriters, dancers, comedians, the ultimate performer to be an engaging parent? Will our children be missing something by us not providing them with constant stimulation and entertainment?
What we walked away considering was that, yes, the song & dance of parenting may indeed be necessary. Finding ways to play in our life is what makes life worth living. That sense of play is what the theatre gives us. But let’s make sure we’re keeping that entertaining quality in check. Stillness, quiet, free space and boredom are all necessary for our children’s development, their own exploration of the world and imagination building. We committed to taking a little time each and every day to jumping into imaginative worlds with our kids and seeing where it could take us.
One area I didn’t delve into, but was on my list of the song & dance of parenting, is our tendency to “sell” things to our kids in an effort to coax, cajole, persuade, incentivize, negotiate with, bribe, entice, manipulate, and control the emotional expressiveness of our kids.
Fine, I’ll give you a cookie if you clean up your toys. Here comes the airplane, open wide, come on sweetie, it’s coming in for a landing. Every time you use the potty you get a sticker and once you get 10 stickers you get to pick a toy out of this box, isn’t that fun, don’t you wanna sit on the potty so you can get a sticker and a toy. Come on we have to get home now so I can make dinner – I know you don’t wanna leave – I said we have to – look, if you get in the car you can have ice cream after dinner – no, you can’t stay up later too I’m already giving you ice cream, so please stop asking – I just said…ok, fine you can stay up later and see one show that’s it, now will you please get in the car. All A’s on your report card means you can get a car on your 16th birthday. Oh don’t cry, look here comes the tickle monster, yeah the tickle monster doesn’t want to see any tears, they’ll tickle all the tears away. (singing) We gotta get out the door right now so let’s put on your shoes, we gotta get out the door right now so let’s put on our shoes, put on your shoes. Alright Captain Shortcake we have a mission if you choose to accept, we are going on a mission to find everything on this list. Let’s get in our Turbo Food Catcher and scour these aisles for some grub.
All these examples from the seemingly harmless turning grocery shopping into a mission of food hunting all the way to I’ll get you a car if your grades are right are ways we undermine our kids resilience to adapt to situations they might not want to be in or tasks they don’t want to do but have to. It sets a precedent for their expectations of how we will engage or treat them and we then set ourselves up for chaos in our family life.
Actors analyze a script to know what a character’s objectives/need/wants are and the actions they need to take to try and achieve that objective. As a parent we have our objectives and needs we want met and we might choose the action to persuade, to incentivize, to negotiate with to get our kids to do what we want which achieves our objective. The thing to remember is your scene partner (our kids) have their own wants and needs to be met, so, once they see a way in they will exhaust that option until they see it is absolutely impervious to their tantrums before choosing a different tactic. Are we emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually ready to handle the long-term consequences of our short-sighted needs being met? Just something to simmer on.
So lovelies, let me ask you, what have we learned over the last few weeks?
Everything we encounter leaves an imprint on us.
Sensory work calls for our continued observation and present moment awareness of life’s tiny to huge moments. I spend a lot of time lost in my head, so this is a huge challenge for me.
We were encouraged to see who we are now and find peace with our reflection in the mirror, as well as, expand our view of what our bodies are capable of creating and the stories our movement patterns tell the world about who we are.
We challenged our imaginative play by adapting some of the exercises into family friendly activities, so if you haven’t done so yet, go back and select and exercise or two and try it with your fam.
We learned about our emotional life, how emotional memory is the foundation of the Method work but so much a part of everyone’s life, also, we delved into the importance of building up our emotional intelligence.
The first work an actor must do is on themselves, the same is true for parents.
The Method work is a system of tools for the actor to use in capturing the life of a character.
Parents seek out their own system of tools to keep in their own back pocket for raising their kids by searching through books, blogs, listening to podcasts, joining parenting groups and other such ways of gathering a plethora of knowledge to aide them.
Find what works but be flexible.
Be present and attentive to what your child is showing you they need and to your needs.
Your child is your scene partner, your family in an ever-evolving script, may you write scenes full of joy.
A Short Story Before We Go
“No. You cannot throw things on the floor.”
I pulled in very close to her face and spoke so only she could hear me. She smiled back at me and chuckled. This was not supposed to be her response. Before I could stand up straight she reached around grabbed a box of pasta and chucked it out of the shopping cart. I was fucking livid. She’d never done this before. Llama Llama. This was his fault. I couldn’t look beyond twelve inches in front of me. No part of me wanted to see the looks of judgement, or the knowing chuckles from the parents how’d been there and done that, and definitely not from the mom’s looking to support me with a warm smile. It would’ve brought my anger too close to home and I would’ve melted into a heap of scary and scared sobbing bones. This will not break me, I thought. She’s testing. Whether she was testing me or herself I wasn’t sure, it was probably both, but I would not be disrespected.
“Angelica if you throw that on the floor again, we are leaving.”
Boom.
Down it went.
I pushed the completely full cart of groceries to the side, scooped her up and stormed towards the exit. I held her under my arm like a football. She screamed and told me to put her down which immediately got the attention of everyone waiting in lines to check out. As we passed the checkout aisles and managers hanging by the exit she calls out “Hi! Hi!” My face was red, I avoided any eye contact and listened to everyone laughing at the adorable little girl with Shirley Temple curls being removed from the store by her dragon mother. My saving grace was that this was our local supermarket. Living during this technological age, people fear being turned into a viral meme instead of a living human being. But since we were seeing our “people in the neighborhood” I was safe to be a normal pissed off mom carting away her friendly, yet disobedient child.
My big mommy take away from this situation – no more Llama Llama Shopping Drama episode and we’re not reading Llama Llama Mad at Mama anymore! (that was a short-lived punishment).
Raise A Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“I am not throwing away my shot, I am not throwing away my shot! Hey yo, I’m just like my country, I’m young, scrappy and hungry! And I am not throwing away my shot!”
I wouldn’t consider myself young, scrappy and hungry anymore, but Angelica is. She is the life force that makes me want to live with that much vibrant passion. Each day she chooses to embrace her shot at life, another day of pure joy and glorious play and laughter. Living in the moment is her nature, as it is for all children, as it was for us once upon a dream, “I know you, I walked with you one upon a dream.” Acting tools, such as the Method work, and parenting tools are all designed to connect us to the present moment, so we can once again look at the world with wonder and joy. They’re also about giving us the opportunity to go on the journey of inner emotional growth and use that to either create great art or in supporting the growth of another person. We have one shot at life to make it as joyful as possible, in the middle of all the things that are out of our control. If we are lucky enough to be on this adventure for many, many years, then we will be blessed to have many shots at improving our journey – but we don’t know if we’ll be that lucky. All we have is today. “No day but today!”...wrong musical.
Let’s raise a glass to not throwing away our shot at being the best parents, the best creative energies, and the best humans we can be. Let us go forth and kick ass!
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me again for another episode. As always, I hope this brings some joy into your day so your light can shine brighter.
Well, we did it! We finished our first series together! Huzzah!!! My goal was to find a balance each episode between the world of theatre and parenting, some weeks were more successful than others, I know. I appreciate your patience and understanding as I am finding my footing with this show.
I would be remiss if I didn’t do this so, the next two weeks will be devoted to politics & social justice in theatre and parenting. Narrowing down which lyrics to use in the Raise a Glass Series will probably be the most daunting task of the next two week.
If you’re on Instagram so am I. You can find me @mfaparentingedition and give me a follow.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to show your support please spread a beautiful act of kindness by rating it if your listening on Apple podcasts and leaving a kind review if you feel so inclined, and telling at least one person about the show and that they can find it wherever they listen to their podcasts. And always, thank you to those who have rated the show and left a beautiful review – I appreciate you.
Again, thank you and I’ll see you on the other side
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.
Episode title: The Song & Dance of Parenting
Episode summary: How often do we battle with what we want to do and say and how we allow ourselves to respond to situations? How does our expressiveness get diminished through life? How do we train ourselves to raise our kids the way we would like as opposed to the way we’ve been conditioned? Do we parent different when people are watching? Do we tend to “sell” things to our kids to increase their cooperation but also, if we’re honest to control their emotional…what’s the word…expressiveness?
Today’s episode is the last installment in our 7-part series on the Method and we’ll be looking at the song & dance exercise. We’ll also be expanding on the song & dance topic from episode 3 and then wrapping up all we’ve learned.
Previously on MFA
- Recap of episode 10 (listen here)
The Song & Dance Exercise
- Brief history of the exercise
Battle Against Your Will
- How to do the song & dance exercise
What in the holy hell does any of this have to do with parenting???!!!
- The song & dance exercise reveals our insecurities about being watched.
Angelica Interlude
- Singing “My Shot”
The Song & Dance of Parenting
- Recap of episode 3 “Let Me Entertain You”
- The Big “Sell”
A Short Story Before We Go:
- Shopping Drama
The Raise a Glass Series:
- The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
- Today’s lyrics – “I am not throwing away my shot, I am not throwing away my shot! Hey yo, I’m just like my country, I’m young, scrappy and hungry! And I am not throwing away my shot!” ~ Alexander Hamilton
Episode transcript: See full transcript below.
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
- Rate the podcast (and leave a kind review if you feel so inclined)
- Tell one person you know you enjoyed this podcast and they should check it out
Sources that inspired this episode or random tidbits of knowledge:
- 5 Golden Age Musicals that Deserve Revivals article
- A Midsummer Night’s Dream
- Llama Llama Netflix
- Llama Llama Mad at Mama book by Anna Dewdney
- No Day But Today Rent movie
- Thriller movie
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Full Transcript
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA: The Parenting Edition, I’m Taisha Cameron. These lessons from the theatre for raising ourselves and our kids came about when I realized my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor. Today’s episode is the last installment in our 7-part series on the Method and we’ll be looking at the song & dance exercise. We’ll also be expanding on the song & dance topic from episode 3 and then wrapping up all we’ve learned. We’ll explore some challenging questions, I’ll share some stories, and then we’ll end our episode with the Raise a Glass Series. So, without further ado, this is MFA.
Previously on MFA: The Parenting Edition
We finally made our way to the emotional memory exercise. We examined the history of emotional memory work (sometimes called affective memory). We delved into the importance of emotional intelligence, how to cultivate it within ourselves and nurture it in our children. We discovered how Harry Potter used the emotional memory exercise in the Prisoner of Azkaban.
Now you’re all caught up…of course if all of that meant nothing to you, you should probably go back and listen to episode ten.
Quote: “And though she be but little, she is fierce.” Helena in A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Episode Eleven – The Song & Dance of Parenting
Question – how often do we battle with what we want to do and say and how we allow ourselves to respond to situations? How does our expressiveness get diminished through life? How do we train ourselves to raise our kids the way we would like as opposed to the way we’ve been conditioned? Do we parent different when people are watching? Do we tend to “sell” things to our kids to increase their cooperation but also, if we’re honest to control their emotional…what’s the word…expressiveness?
The Song & Dance Exercise
The 1940-1950’s mark the Golden Age of the American Musical. Many singers and dancers were turning to the study of acting to meet these heightened character demands. Strasberg created the song & dance exercise as a way to break through their ingrained habits created by extensive training. When he realized how successful it was, he began using this exercise with his acting students as well. “The point of the exercise is that whatever is happening must come through,” says Strasberg. This thing he speaks of that is happening, he describes it as the “connection between impulse and expression, which leads to full and intense expressiveness.” What does that mean? Here’s an example.
Angelica is three years old, so she lacks that thing called…impulse control. God willing, she’ll develop it one day but its lack thereof accounts for her grabbing her full cup of water and turning it upside down during dinner, her use of “NO” to really anything that his asked of her, her decision to throw a basketball at the tv after she’s been told not to, her screams of defiant rage when being told it was time to clean up her toys before bed (or really at any point in the day her mess reaches the level my brain can’t function anymore), there are so many more examples but you get the gist. She has an impulse to do or say something and she executes with full intense expressiveness. This is probably the most honest she’ll be in her whole life. Part of that realization makes me sad and the other part makes me hopeful because if we all responded to every single impulse we had without thinking, this world would’ve been annihilated a long long time ago. We obviously, have to develop impulse control and learn to express ourselves in ways that are healthy for our own wellbeing and the wellbeing of others; but how much of our ability to express our personal needs and desires in healthy ways, gets stifled in our learning how to live well with others.
Battle Against Your Will
How to do the song & dance exercise:
Strasberg would start by having the actor stand in front of the audience and do nothing. You may be thinking, “Oh, people payed money to be told to stand up and do nothing. Umm, that’s dumb, I can do that for free.” But can you, I mean, can you? The fascinating thing he discovered was the things that people do when they’re asked to do nothing. We all have unconscious behaviors that show themselves when we feel not as in control as we would like. How many of us can honestly, stand in front of a group of people and be so at ease in our skin we can stand there doing absolutely nothing and be fine. That means no nervous laughter, or unnecessary shifting of weight between feet, no twitching, no hiding in yourself or making yourself appear bigger or more in control than you are? Can we find stillness of the mind and body in front of other people?
Then he’d ask them to sing a song, something simple and familiar like Happy Birthday or a nursery rhyme or something, but they had to sing it differently. So, using Happy Birthday (because he did in his book and I recall that being used in my class also) the actor would sing each syllable on one sustained breath while retaining the melody. Now, this was designed purely as an exercise of will to encourage actors to break against verbal patterns and involuntary movement habits (because those seem to be things that come up during this exercise). People will get emotional during this and, because whatever’s happening must come through, they’re encouraged to explore what emotion they’re feeling and let that be part of the sound.
The next part is the dance section, which isn’t so much Thriller choreography as it is spontaneous gesture. So, the actor starts the same way, just at ease towards audience, and then they move their body without deciding beforehand what you’re going to do. They move again with a different spontaneous gesture. When they repeat the movements together, they’ll develop a sequence with a rhythm.
Once the actors found their rhythm they add in the song they were working on. The song’s gotta explode, so instead of each syllable being extended now they shoot out in staccato bursts of energy. Now you’re still doing whatever you’re movement pattern was and have added in the sound burst, and this may in fact not be in sync (omg I loved them! I must’ve seen them at least 5 times in concert)…but, moving on, the goal of the exercise is to show the actor they “can be both spontaneous…and at the same time able to repeat what he had spontaneously arrived at.”
What in the holy hell does this have to do with parenting???!!!
Working to become a more conscious parent and use more respectful parenting styles may not be part of our instinctive DNA. I was blessed to have been raised in a loving home with two parents who made a conscious choice to parent differently then they were raised, particularly in the area of discipline. Their choice kept my bottom and every part of my body spanking free. But we tend to parent the way we were parented (whether we considered that a good or bad experience). Deliberately going against what happens habitually, is a constant process that takes discipline and an enormous amount of patience.
The song & dance exercise reveals our insecurities about being watched. It highlights our verbal patterns and physical inhibitions or habits. As a mom, one thing it makes me consider is the notion of how we parent when others are present. Do we parent differently when people are watching? Is it possible to be so hyper aware of ourselves to recognize our insecurities and ticks that let us know we are uncomfortable, apprehensive, growing frustrated and find a way to redirect our energy, because our kids pick up on it. So now we’re in a heightened place of unease and our scene partners (our kids) recognize this and follow their impulses to control or change a situation the best way they can. And if you’re anything like me, their full and intense expression does nothing to quiet the storm raging within you. How can we show them a calm respectful presence in the face of unease?
* Angelica Interlude
Singing “My Shot”
Angelica: I just like my country, I scappy an hungy, and I’m not throwing away my shot!
Mom: That was awesome!
Angelica: I not throwing away my shot anymore!
Mom: Good for you girl, good for you.
Angelica: Big hug!
The Song & Dance of Parenting
Let’s take a quick look back at the “Let Me Entertain You” episode when I posed the question:
this song & dance we do to engage with our children, is it a requirement? What do I mean by song & dance? I mean do we have to know how to be clowns, princess & princes, pirates, singers, songwriters, dancers, comedians, the ultimate performer to be an engaging parent? Will our children be missing something by us not providing them with constant stimulation and entertainment?
What we walked away considering was that, yes, the song & dance of parenting may indeed be necessary. Finding ways to play in our life is what makes life worth living. That sense of play is what the theatre gives us. But let’s make sure we’re keeping that entertaining quality in check. Stillness, quiet, free space and boredom are all necessary for our children’s development, their own exploration of the world and imagination building. We committed to taking a little time each and every day to jumping into imaginative worlds with our kids and seeing where it could take us.
One area I didn’t delve into, but was on my list of the song & dance of parenting, is our tendency to “sell” things to our kids in an effort to coax, cajole, persuade, incentivize, negotiate with, bribe, entice, manipulate, and control the emotional expressiveness of our kids.
Fine, I’ll give you a cookie if you clean up your toys. Here comes the airplane, open wide, come on sweetie, it’s coming in for a landing. Every time you use the potty you get a sticker and once you get 10 stickers you get to pick a toy out of this box, isn’t that fun, don’t you wanna sit on the potty so you can get a sticker and a toy. Come on we have to get home now so I can make dinner – I know you don’t wanna leave – I said we have to – look, if you get in the car you can have ice cream after dinner – no, you can’t stay up later too I’m already giving you ice cream, so please stop asking – I just said…ok, fine you can stay up later and see one show that’s it, now will you please get in the car. All A’s on your report card means you can get a car on your 16th birthday. Oh don’t cry, look here comes the tickle monster, yeah the tickle monster doesn’t want to see any tears, they’ll tickle all the tears away. (singing) We gotta get out the door right now so let’s put on your shoes, we gotta get out the door right now so let’s put on our shoes, put on your shoes. Alright Captain Shortcake we have a mission if you choose to accept, we are going on a mission to find everything on this list. Let’s get in our Turbo Food Catcher and scour these aisles for some grub.
All these examples from the seemingly harmless turning grocery shopping into a mission of food hunting all the way to I’ll get you a car if your grades are right are ways we undermine our kids resilience to adapt to situations they might not want to be in or tasks they don’t want to do but have to. It sets a precedent for their expectations of how we will engage or treat them and we then set ourselves up for chaos in our family life.
Actors analyze a script to know what a character’s objectives/need/wants are and the actions they need to take to try and achieve that objective. As a parent we have our objectives and needs we want met and we might choose the action to persuade, to incentivize, to negotiate with to get our kids to do what we want which achieves our objective. The thing to remember is your scene partner (our kids) have their own wants and needs to be met, so, once they see a way in they will exhaust that option until they see it is absolutely impervious to their tantrums before choosing a different tactic. Are we emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually ready to handle the long-term consequences of our short-sighted needs being met? Just something to simmer on.
So lovelies, let me ask you, what have we learned over the last few weeks?
Everything we encounter leaves an imprint on us.
Sensory work calls for our continued observation and present moment awareness of life’s tiny to huge moments. I spend a lot of time lost in my head, so this is a huge challenge for me.
We were encouraged to see who we are now and find peace with our reflection in the mirror, as well as, expand our view of what our bodies are capable of creating and the stories our movement patterns tell the world about who we are.
We challenged our imaginative play by adapting some of the exercises into family friendly activities, so if you haven’t done so yet, go back and select and exercise or two and try it with your fam.
We learned about our emotional life, how emotional memory is the foundation of the Method work but so much a part of everyone’s life, also, we delved into the importance of building up our emotional intelligence.
The first work an actor must do is on themselves, the same is true for parents.
The Method work is a system of tools for the actor to use in capturing the life of a character.
Parents seek out their own system of tools to keep in their own back pocket for raising their kids by searching through books, blogs, listening to podcasts, joining parenting groups and other such ways of gathering a plethora of knowledge to aide them.
Find what works but be flexible.
Be present and attentive to what your child is showing you they need and to your needs.
Your child is your scene partner, your family in an ever-evolving script, may you write scenes full of joy.
A Short Story Before We Go
“No. You cannot throw things on the floor.”
I pulled in very close to her face and spoke so only she could hear me. She smiled back at me and chuckled. This was not supposed to be her response. Before I could stand up straight she reached around grabbed a box of pasta and chucked it out of the shopping cart. I was fucking livid. She’d never done this before. Llama Llama. This was his fault. I couldn’t look beyond twelve inches in front of me. No part of me wanted to see the looks of judgement, or the knowing chuckles from the parents how’d been there and done that, and definitely not from the mom’s looking to support me with a warm smile. It would’ve brought my anger too close to home and I would’ve melted into a heap of scary and scared sobbing bones. This will not break me, I thought. She’s testing. Whether she was testing me or herself I wasn’t sure, it was probably both, but I would not be disrespected.
“Angelica if you throw that on the floor again, we are leaving.”
Boom.
Down it went.
I pushed the completely full cart of groceries to the side, scooped her up and stormed towards the exit. I held her under my arm like a football. She screamed and told me to put her down which immediately got the attention of everyone waiting in lines to check out. As we passed the checkout aisles and managers hanging by the exit she calls out “Hi! Hi!” My face was red, I avoided any eye contact and listened to everyone laughing at the adorable little girl with Shirley Temple curls being removed from the store by her dragon mother. My saving grace was that this was our local supermarket. Living during this technological age, people fear being turned into a viral meme instead of a living human being. But since we were seeing our “people in the neighborhood” I was safe to be a normal pissed off mom carting away her friendly, yet disobedient child.
My big mommy take away from this situation – no more Llama Llama Shopping Drama episode and we’re not reading Llama Llama Mad at Mama anymore! (that was a short-lived punishment).
Raise A Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“I am not throwing away my shot, I am not throwing away my shot! Hey yo, I’m just like my country, I’m young, scrappy and hungry! And I am not throwing away my shot!”
I wouldn’t consider myself young, scrappy and hungry anymore, but Angelica is. She is the life force that makes me want to live with that much vibrant passion. Each day she chooses to embrace her shot at life, another day of pure joy and glorious play and laughter. Living in the moment is her nature, as it is for all children, as it was for us once upon a dream, “I know you, I walked with you one upon a dream.” Acting tools, such as the Method work, and parenting tools are all designed to connect us to the present moment, so we can once again look at the world with wonder and joy. They’re also about giving us the opportunity to go on the journey of inner emotional growth and use that to either create great art or in supporting the growth of another person. We have one shot at life to make it as joyful as possible, in the middle of all the things that are out of our control. If we are lucky enough to be on this adventure for many, many years, then we will be blessed to have many shots at improving our journey – but we don’t know if we’ll be that lucky. All we have is today. “No day but today!”...wrong musical.
Let’s raise a glass to not throwing away our shot at being the best parents, the best creative energies, and the best humans we can be. Let us go forth and kick ass!
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me again for another episode. As always, I hope this brings some joy into your day so your light can shine brighter.
Well, we did it! We finished our first series together! Huzzah!!! My goal was to find a balance each episode between the world of theatre and parenting, some weeks were more successful than others, I know. I appreciate your patience and understanding as I am finding my footing with this show.
I would be remiss if I didn’t do this so, the next two weeks will be devoted to politics & social justice in theatre and parenting. Narrowing down which lyrics to use in the Raise a Glass Series will probably be the most daunting task of the next two week.
If you’re on Instagram so am I. You can find me @mfaparentingedition and give me a follow.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to show your support please spread a beautiful act of kindness by rating it if your listening on Apple podcasts and leaving a kind review if you feel so inclined, and telling at least one person about the show and that they can find it wherever they listen to their podcasts. And always, thank you to those who have rated the show and left a beautiful review – I appreciate you.
Again, thank you and I’ll see you on the other side
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.