Episode title: The Theatre of Discipline
Episode summary: Orders, commands and punishments. Oh my! Today’s topic is all about discipline. The ugly yucky monster that infects all of our parenting brains with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas about raising our kids. We are screwing up the world, by the way we parent our kids. Yeah, I said it. And I want us to change the way we parent humans, because we're changing the way we are raising people in society.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much-needed audio hug.
Quote: “A positive goal to strive for when disciplining would be to raise children we not only love, but in whose company we love being." Magda Gerber from Janet Landsbury's, No Bad Kids Toddler Discipline Without Shame.
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
Today’s lyrics – “What happens if I don't get congressional approval? I imagine they'll call for your removal. Sir. Figure it out alexander, that's an order from your commander.
Act II: Main Questions
What does discipline mean? Is discipline, as punishment, necessary for our children? If we changed the way we thought of discipling our kids how would that change the world?
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
Lost in the Woods
Episode transcript: available at www.mfaparentingedition.com/046
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
_____________________________________________________________________________________
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well, I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the parenting edition. I'm Taisha Cameron, a lover of the movie Encanto. I'm also, and more relevant to the show a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky, little kid, and a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation I made, that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor.
We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
"A positive goal to strive for when disciplining would be to raise children we not only love, but in whose company we love being." Magda Gerber from Janet Landsbury's, No Bad Kids Toddler Discipline Without Shame.
Episode 46, The Theatre of Discipline.
Well, hello, hello, hello, lovely, lovely, lovely. Welcome to MFA. All right. Today's episode is about discipline. Yep. The ugly yucky monster that infects all of our parenting brains with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas about raising our kids. But as always, before we jump into that, let's kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. You don't need to raise an actual glass unless you've got one in hand already. And if you do I say holla, let's do this.
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
What happens if I don't get congressional approval? I imagine they'll call for your removal. Sir. Figure it out alexander, that's an order from your commander.
Orders, commands and punishments. Oh my! Do orders, commands, approval or disapproval, labels of good or bad, help build a healthy relationship with our children or keep the battle waging at home? Why do we have this commander and officer relationship as a family? Do we keep pushing through the battle hoping one day we'll turn a corner, and the fighting will stop? And does that look like our children just doing whatever we say, whenever we say it? Is that when the battle is over, does the piece that we're looking for reflect absolute obedience from younger humans so that we can feel like the commanding dictator who has control of their kingdom as an adult.
What is your personal response to an order? How do you feel when someone is throwing out commands to you? Do you feel closer to a person who barks orders and commands at you all day long? Do you have more respectful for them? Do you feel as if you are heard and your own personal lived experience in this world is validated and valued by them? If you answered no to any of these questions, are you okay with your child feeling the same way about you? We tend to think that battling now is worth it later that fighting with our children when they're young will make them adults will love to be around when they're older. Why are we waiting to enjoy future moments? Why can't we shift our perspective to end the discipline wars now, I mean, when you're on your death bed, will you look back on your life and say, damn it. I wish I had more time to fight with my child again and go to impose my will on them as a commander in war. No. Hell no, you won't.
Let's raise a glass to checking out and releasing the need to play the commander role in our family relationships. Let's expand our capacity to learn new leadership skills, to create the family dynamics of our dreams.
Question: what does discipline mean? Is discipline, as punishment, necessary for our children? If we changed the way we thought of disciplining our kids, how would that change the world?
And we're back with dictionary definitions on w MFA public radio, where you tune in for your daily dose of definitions. On the words you think, you know, until you have to define. Today's word is discipline.
The Merriam Webster's dictionary defines discipline as:
So I've heard parenting podcasts, especially those focused around conscious parenting and gentle parenting and other authoritative parenting styles that talk about discipline from the definition of teaching. When I was looking up the definition, what I came across was that the earliest form of the word derived from Old French and like Old Latin dating back to like the 11th and 12th centuries. In old French, it seems the word was predominantly connected to punishment for the sake of correction. Thank you to the French. And in Latin, the definition centered around instruction given, teaching, knowledge. By the mid 15th century, it seems the word discipline became synonymous with punishment. And as always, I'll put the links in the show notes for the places that I looked at and, you know, do your own research.
So what the hell does all this mean for us today? So glad you asked. Here we go.
When I think of discipline in regard to theater, I think of having a focus, being diligent and rigorous in how you are practicing your art and how you are learning about your art, how you're stretching yourself to improve on your craft. I also think of discipline regarding theater as learning the rules of the game of theater, who are the people in charge, who is the hierarchy, and within that hierarchy, highly, hierarchy hierarchy hierarchy. It's one of those words, oh, from Ted lasso where you say it, and then it like loses its meaning, and then you can't pronounce it anymore. And there was a word for it that they said, and I can't remember it now. Uh, it's going to bother me, but the word I'm trying to say is hierarchy and what everyone's responsibilities and roles are and how they contribute. Also, if you are disciplined as an actor, that means you are focused, you are determined, you are consistent. You have set a routine for yourself. You've set up a rhythm daily habits and practices that will strengthen your skills as an actor. Because of the energy, it takes to be clear on our authentic visions of our career and the energy to manifest it, I keep coming back to the word focus. And this place of being centered, grounded and committed. Not being self-disciplined kills the game of theater for everyone playing and that includes the audience. But how do you become self-disciplined? Do you have a better chance at being successful in that area of your life if growing up your parents punished you when you lacked self-discipline? Are you a more successful person in life if you were subjected to scolding, timeouts, withholding of things you cared about? Did you become a more disciplined person by the discipline imposed on you or did you get better at playing the game of not getting caught? Or playing the system? Or did you learn to just follow without question? And now as an adult, can you separate your own independent thinking from your parents? Can you function without being told what to do and how to do it in the quote unquote right way?
When I think of discipline regarding our children, I think of parents implementing punishment on their children so that they will behave in the way that reflects the values and behaviors the parent wants the child to exhibit. There is little to no room for understanding the child's experience or feelings. It is a do, as I say, because this is what I want you to do now, power move. It's an exercise in control for the parent. It is a, I will make you bend to my will move all in the name of being seen by others as a good parent or viewing ourselves in that way. It is an entirely ego focused move disciplining from a place of scolding and punishing is bullying.
That we allow to happen under the blanket of being a quote unquote good parent. But, but what if. Hmm, stay with me now. What if there was another way of getting to the same result without traumatizing the family with discipline from a place of punishment?
Holding boundaries is not the same as sending your child to their room, to stew in their big feelings alone. Giving kids space to share their feelings and still letting them know as much as they don't want to turn off the TV, it's time to turn off the TV because we need to leave the house or eat dinner or whatever the necessity is for turning off the damn TV. It is possible to have that happen without scolding or threatening them with a form of punishment; it takes more presence and patience from us to hold the line and not to resort to those types of threats, which let's be honest, how many of them end up being empty threats anyway? Or, or we hold to what we said, and now we've escalated the situation to death con five levels, and there is a full-on war waging in our home. I cannot be the only one who's experienced this!
Children are human beings that need to learn from a calm in control guide, the same way dog trainers remind you to be calm and in control. Kids need the same thing. And not in control of like, oh, I'm the alpha, you must follow me. It's control of your own emotional state, control of your body, control of your mind. Why can we give more patients to a dog than our own kids? Why can we have more compassion for an animal than our children? So at this point, Discipline has turned into a theater game in which no one is playing well and the scene combusts. Or it can be looked at as a scene in which the actors aren't talking to each other, and they're talking at each other and having little regard for their characters overall objective, or they're seeing partner's objective or feelings, they are ignoring what is directly in front of them. It's not an interesting story to tell. So how do we change this?
We'll talk more about that after this.
ANGELICA INTERLUDETaisha Cameron 0:00
Oh, you've already started recording. And here we are Angelica. Would you like to record another episode for the podcast?
Angelica 0:10
I want to tell you my name, I'm Isabella.
Taisha Cameron 0:14
Oh, I'm so sorry, Isabella. Hello. Thank you for joining us on the show today. What would you care to speak about?
Angelica 0:21
Um, well, I just wanted to tell you something. Can I make birds in your bed and then make a home bed?
Taisha Cameron 0:31
You want to make birds in my bed and then make a whole bed?
Angelica 0:34
Yeah. And then it will become my bed.
Taisha Cameron 0:40
Is this your way of taking over my bed?
Angelica 0:42
Yes. And you can sleep on the couch.
Taisha Cameron 0:49
Wait a minute, I sleep on the couch? That doesn't seem so fair.
Angelica 0:54
That's a part of the podcast.
Taisha Cameron 0:57
That's a part of the podcast? So if I sleep on the couch and you end up sleeping in my bed, where's Daddy gonna sleep?
Angelica 1:08
In the bathroom.
Taisha Cameron 1:10
In the bathroom?
Angelica 1:13
Right dad? You always want to sleep in the bathroom, dad.
Taisha Cameron 1:20
Do we know that as fact or are we just creating wonderful stories here?
Angelica 1:28
Creating stories.
The world's systems of oppression that are enforced through training it's citizens for blind obedience through different modes of punishment would fall apart if we all held compassion for one another and questioned the way we treat each other and demanded change. Discipline is one of those modes of control and it's conditioned into our children from the beginning of their life. It is so programmed in us that it's never questioned, so it's never changed. And I'm not interested in continuing the same modes of discipline. And I think that there are people that are born into this world with their own personality to help change it because they say, this is not right, I don't agree with this, this doesn't make sense. That's what kids are here to do.
They see the world as it is, as it is now. There are things about this world that don't make sense to them and is our job to force it, to make sense to them? Or not care if it makes sense to them, but we just got to like push them along cause this is the way it goes and so you just got to fall in line? Or can we look at it as, hmm, this is our chance to question. Does this make sense? No. Okay. So how can we change it, sweetie?
I am not an activist out there organizing and marching, writing letters or calling everybody possible, but I want there to be a revolution in this world. I want there to be a change in the way we parent, and that is a very revolutionary act. To give your child a space to feel their feelings and accept that their feelings will come and go that they're fleeting, but they are real and true and big and important for them. And they should be heard and have a voice and have space to explore and learn things by themselves and not have everything forced sped to them as if they're incapable of learning on their own. That is my activism in the world. It is to change the way I parent my child so she can be another revolutionary change in the world that says these ways of oppressing humans to make our ego feel in control are not right. They don't make sense. This is not the only way to raise a human. I mean, the power dynamics in a family are already against a child. So when we add bullying, which we call discipline, we end up telling our kids your voice doesn't fucking matter. How does that help them grow up to be an adult who can speak up for themselves and handle their emotions in a healthy way?
I think children should be given a voice. I think they should be given space to learn things on their own. There are natural boundaries in the world and kids will learn them and understand them. And there is a difference between being permissive and holding boundaries in a calm way. We are not talking about letting them run wild, like wolves. That's not it. And maybe because we perhaps weren't parented from a place of trust and freedom, we don't think our kids are capable of it because we don't think we're capable of it because we've been conditioned to believe that we're not. We are screwing up the world, by the way we parent our kids. Yeah, I said it.
I want us to change the way we parent humans, because we're changing the way we are raising people in society. Just even saying raising our children means it's like, we've got them in a coop. Free range, chickens in this country have more freedom, rights and respect for their lives than our kids. They're locked in all these things. And they're locked in our mental way of thinking because we're locked in our mental way of thinking. That's what I want to question. That's what I want to change. That's what I am feeling very impassioned to shift in this world. Can you feel the passion here? Sometimes I feel like my passion comes off.
As just like, ahhhh, but you know what? We're all driven by passion. And if we're not, if we want to sit in our like, well, I just use, you know, my logical brain, I just want to look at like the facts here and there. And there we are human beings that are driven by emotion. So let's connect that part to each other. And maybe, I dunno, maybe I pull away from theater, maybe theater in this podcast setting doesn't give me all the answers. Maybe I just have to question more creative people that are thinking outside the box. Who's thinking aligns more with, instead of trying to groom my child for the world we have and training them to just fit in and go along with it, why don't I prepare my child to change the world? But that's what the arts do, right? Hold a mirror up to society and ask, how do we change that? Or are you seeing yourself clearly here? Should we take another look at this? I don't know. Maybe this is exactly the space for these conversations to happen, in relation to where the arts meet humanity.
So lovelies, I'll ask you again, what does discipline mean? Is discipline, as punishment, necessary for our children? If we changed the way we thought of disciplining our kids, how would that change the world?
How do you help change the course of parenting? When we stopped doing the same shit that has been generationally passed down to us. Just because something has been going the same way for a long time, doesn't mean that it is either right or working efficiently. So, let's start the revolution and show up as better humans to our kids. When we show up as more evolved energies, full of compassion and empathy, and a desire to change oppressive conditionings, like disciplining our kids through punishment, we changed the world. Aren't you ready for a more amazing world? I know I am!
A Short Story Before We GoShe was driving us insane. We felt like Kristof grappling with Anna, leaving him lost in the woods.
“Well, her behavioral therapist said –
“Yeah, well, it doesn't seem to be working. She's not coming down and we have no control.”
“This doesn't feel right. I feel like a complete failure as a mom. Like I'm completely disconnected from my child. She's screaming her little head off in the room and I'm supposed to wait until she's calm before I go in so I'm not rewarding her screaming and training her that I will respond whenever she cries. But all I want to do is go in there and hug her and find another way to figure this all out.”
“Then we have to do that and find another way to figure this out.”
“I feel like the more I'm trying to implement these ways of disciplining her, I just feel like I'm left, fighting with her all the time. Like it's pushing us further apart. I thought we were supposed to enjoy this time?”
“What should we do?”
“Why do I have to have all the answers? Is it because I'm the mom?”
“What? What are you talking about? No, it's because you're the one reading all the books and working with the therapist and you have very strong ideas and opinions and how to approach this whole disciplining our child thing. So I just want some feedback on how to handle this.”
“Well, I don't know.”
Broken. I felt broken. All the experts we're not here right now. They were not experiencing what I was experiencing. They were not raising our child. They were off dealing with the struggles in their own family. And frankly, for all I know, doing the exact opposite of what they were trying to teach their clients and other families desperate for solutions. There was one thing I knew for a fact, my daughter needed me and me ignoring her cries was stupid. We were not going to solve any problems with her screaming for me in the other room while I sit here trying to will myself to ignore her because someone who didn't know my daughter, as well as I did told me, I should, in order to assert my authority and gain control of my child.
If I was entrusted with raising a strong-willed or defiant child, as people would like to label her, I had to decide whose side I was on. Was I ready to join the masses and label her, desperately working to make her bend to my will so I can celebrate the oppression of another human being on social media as a hashtag parenting moment? Or was I ready to advocate for my child and learn more about who she is so I can help her better? Which meant, I was going to end up doing a lot of work on myself to adjust expectations and abandon the picture in my head of the type of daughter I wanted her to be and embrace the type of daughter that was in my life right now. I chose advocacy. I still choose advocacy. I learned to say, fuck you to the experts.
That's all for today, guys. And dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about discipline. It's a funky thing to talk about, right? But it's in all aspects of our life, we just got to figure out what's the best way to handle it. Are we, uh, are we going to be a bully? Are we going to be someone who's confident in setting boundaries? I think it is fundamental to our growth as a society and group of citizens to the world to explore what that relationship is that we have to discipline and the habit of punishment that we've created and just accepted in our life.
Next episode, we'll talk about trust. So such a small word with so much power.
One last thing before you go here is my audio hug to you. So you can breathe, reset, and kick some ass today. But as always, don't literally kick anyone's ass because that is called assault:
Here's my special hug to you to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight. Go walk in grace and shine your light.
Thanks again. And I'll see you on the other side.
Episode summary: Orders, commands and punishments. Oh my! Today’s topic is all about discipline. The ugly yucky monster that infects all of our parenting brains with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas about raising our kids. We are screwing up the world, by the way we parent our kids. Yeah, I said it. And I want us to change the way we parent humans, because we're changing the way we are raising people in society.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much-needed audio hug.
Quote: “A positive goal to strive for when disciplining would be to raise children we not only love, but in whose company we love being." Magda Gerber from Janet Landsbury's, No Bad Kids Toddler Discipline Without Shame.
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
Today’s lyrics – “What happens if I don't get congressional approval? I imagine they'll call for your removal. Sir. Figure it out alexander, that's an order from your commander.
Act II: Main Questions
What does discipline mean? Is discipline, as punishment, necessary for our children? If we changed the way we thought of discipling our kids how would that change the world?
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
Lost in the Woods
Episode transcript: available at www.mfaparentingedition.com/046
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
- DISCIPLINE English Definition and Meaning | Lexico.com
- Discipline Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster
- discipline | Etymology, origin and meaning of discipline by etymonline
- DTA | Organized Chaos: Discipline in the Theatre Classroom (theatrefolk.com)
- By Janet Lansbury Archives - Janet Lansbury
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
_____________________________________________________________________________________
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well, I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the parenting edition. I'm Taisha Cameron, a lover of the movie Encanto. I'm also, and more relevant to the show a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky, little kid, and a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation I made, that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor.
We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
"A positive goal to strive for when disciplining would be to raise children we not only love, but in whose company we love being." Magda Gerber from Janet Landsbury's, No Bad Kids Toddler Discipline Without Shame.
Episode 46, The Theatre of Discipline.
Well, hello, hello, hello, lovely, lovely, lovely. Welcome to MFA. All right. Today's episode is about discipline. Yep. The ugly yucky monster that infects all of our parenting brains with the shoulda, coulda, wouldas about raising our kids. But as always, before we jump into that, let's kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. You don't need to raise an actual glass unless you've got one in hand already. And if you do I say holla, let's do this.
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
What happens if I don't get congressional approval? I imagine they'll call for your removal. Sir. Figure it out alexander, that's an order from your commander.
Orders, commands and punishments. Oh my! Do orders, commands, approval or disapproval, labels of good or bad, help build a healthy relationship with our children or keep the battle waging at home? Why do we have this commander and officer relationship as a family? Do we keep pushing through the battle hoping one day we'll turn a corner, and the fighting will stop? And does that look like our children just doing whatever we say, whenever we say it? Is that when the battle is over, does the piece that we're looking for reflect absolute obedience from younger humans so that we can feel like the commanding dictator who has control of their kingdom as an adult.
What is your personal response to an order? How do you feel when someone is throwing out commands to you? Do you feel closer to a person who barks orders and commands at you all day long? Do you have more respectful for them? Do you feel as if you are heard and your own personal lived experience in this world is validated and valued by them? If you answered no to any of these questions, are you okay with your child feeling the same way about you? We tend to think that battling now is worth it later that fighting with our children when they're young will make them adults will love to be around when they're older. Why are we waiting to enjoy future moments? Why can't we shift our perspective to end the discipline wars now, I mean, when you're on your death bed, will you look back on your life and say, damn it. I wish I had more time to fight with my child again and go to impose my will on them as a commander in war. No. Hell no, you won't.
Let's raise a glass to checking out and releasing the need to play the commander role in our family relationships. Let's expand our capacity to learn new leadership skills, to create the family dynamics of our dreams.
Question: what does discipline mean? Is discipline, as punishment, necessary for our children? If we changed the way we thought of disciplining our kids, how would that change the world?
And we're back with dictionary definitions on w MFA public radio, where you tune in for your daily dose of definitions. On the words you think, you know, until you have to define. Today's word is discipline.
The Merriam Webster's dictionary defines discipline as:
- a noun control gained by enforcing obedience or order orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior, self-control, punishment training that corrects, molds, or perfects, the mental faculties or moral character. A field of study, a ruler system of rules governing, conduct, or activity.
- As a verb to punish or penalize for the sake of enforcing obedience and perfecting moral character to train or develop by instruction and exercise, especially in self-control to bring a group under control, to impose order upon isn't that a fantastic word. Join us next time for a new word you think you know, until you're asked to define.
So I've heard parenting podcasts, especially those focused around conscious parenting and gentle parenting and other authoritative parenting styles that talk about discipline from the definition of teaching. When I was looking up the definition, what I came across was that the earliest form of the word derived from Old French and like Old Latin dating back to like the 11th and 12th centuries. In old French, it seems the word was predominantly connected to punishment for the sake of correction. Thank you to the French. And in Latin, the definition centered around instruction given, teaching, knowledge. By the mid 15th century, it seems the word discipline became synonymous with punishment. And as always, I'll put the links in the show notes for the places that I looked at and, you know, do your own research.
So what the hell does all this mean for us today? So glad you asked. Here we go.
When I think of discipline in regard to theater, I think of having a focus, being diligent and rigorous in how you are practicing your art and how you are learning about your art, how you're stretching yourself to improve on your craft. I also think of discipline regarding theater as learning the rules of the game of theater, who are the people in charge, who is the hierarchy, and within that hierarchy, highly, hierarchy hierarchy hierarchy. It's one of those words, oh, from Ted lasso where you say it, and then it like loses its meaning, and then you can't pronounce it anymore. And there was a word for it that they said, and I can't remember it now. Uh, it's going to bother me, but the word I'm trying to say is hierarchy and what everyone's responsibilities and roles are and how they contribute. Also, if you are disciplined as an actor, that means you are focused, you are determined, you are consistent. You have set a routine for yourself. You've set up a rhythm daily habits and practices that will strengthen your skills as an actor. Because of the energy, it takes to be clear on our authentic visions of our career and the energy to manifest it, I keep coming back to the word focus. And this place of being centered, grounded and committed. Not being self-disciplined kills the game of theater for everyone playing and that includes the audience. But how do you become self-disciplined? Do you have a better chance at being successful in that area of your life if growing up your parents punished you when you lacked self-discipline? Are you a more successful person in life if you were subjected to scolding, timeouts, withholding of things you cared about? Did you become a more disciplined person by the discipline imposed on you or did you get better at playing the game of not getting caught? Or playing the system? Or did you learn to just follow without question? And now as an adult, can you separate your own independent thinking from your parents? Can you function without being told what to do and how to do it in the quote unquote right way?
When I think of discipline regarding our children, I think of parents implementing punishment on their children so that they will behave in the way that reflects the values and behaviors the parent wants the child to exhibit. There is little to no room for understanding the child's experience or feelings. It is a do, as I say, because this is what I want you to do now, power move. It's an exercise in control for the parent. It is a, I will make you bend to my will move all in the name of being seen by others as a good parent or viewing ourselves in that way. It is an entirely ego focused move disciplining from a place of scolding and punishing is bullying.
That we allow to happen under the blanket of being a quote unquote good parent. But, but what if. Hmm, stay with me now. What if there was another way of getting to the same result without traumatizing the family with discipline from a place of punishment?
Holding boundaries is not the same as sending your child to their room, to stew in their big feelings alone. Giving kids space to share their feelings and still letting them know as much as they don't want to turn off the TV, it's time to turn off the TV because we need to leave the house or eat dinner or whatever the necessity is for turning off the damn TV. It is possible to have that happen without scolding or threatening them with a form of punishment; it takes more presence and patience from us to hold the line and not to resort to those types of threats, which let's be honest, how many of them end up being empty threats anyway? Or, or we hold to what we said, and now we've escalated the situation to death con five levels, and there is a full-on war waging in our home. I cannot be the only one who's experienced this!
Children are human beings that need to learn from a calm in control guide, the same way dog trainers remind you to be calm and in control. Kids need the same thing. And not in control of like, oh, I'm the alpha, you must follow me. It's control of your own emotional state, control of your body, control of your mind. Why can we give more patients to a dog than our own kids? Why can we have more compassion for an animal than our children? So at this point, Discipline has turned into a theater game in which no one is playing well and the scene combusts. Or it can be looked at as a scene in which the actors aren't talking to each other, and they're talking at each other and having little regard for their characters overall objective, or they're seeing partner's objective or feelings, they are ignoring what is directly in front of them. It's not an interesting story to tell. So how do we change this?
We'll talk more about that after this.
ANGELICA INTERLUDETaisha Cameron 0:00
Oh, you've already started recording. And here we are Angelica. Would you like to record another episode for the podcast?
Angelica 0:10
I want to tell you my name, I'm Isabella.
Taisha Cameron 0:14
Oh, I'm so sorry, Isabella. Hello. Thank you for joining us on the show today. What would you care to speak about?
Angelica 0:21
Um, well, I just wanted to tell you something. Can I make birds in your bed and then make a home bed?
Taisha Cameron 0:31
You want to make birds in my bed and then make a whole bed?
Angelica 0:34
Yeah. And then it will become my bed.
Taisha Cameron 0:40
Is this your way of taking over my bed?
Angelica 0:42
Yes. And you can sleep on the couch.
Taisha Cameron 0:49
Wait a minute, I sleep on the couch? That doesn't seem so fair.
Angelica 0:54
That's a part of the podcast.
Taisha Cameron 0:57
That's a part of the podcast? So if I sleep on the couch and you end up sleeping in my bed, where's Daddy gonna sleep?
Angelica 1:08
In the bathroom.
Taisha Cameron 1:10
In the bathroom?
Angelica 1:13
Right dad? You always want to sleep in the bathroom, dad.
Taisha Cameron 1:20
Do we know that as fact or are we just creating wonderful stories here?
Angelica 1:28
Creating stories.
The world's systems of oppression that are enforced through training it's citizens for blind obedience through different modes of punishment would fall apart if we all held compassion for one another and questioned the way we treat each other and demanded change. Discipline is one of those modes of control and it's conditioned into our children from the beginning of their life. It is so programmed in us that it's never questioned, so it's never changed. And I'm not interested in continuing the same modes of discipline. And I think that there are people that are born into this world with their own personality to help change it because they say, this is not right, I don't agree with this, this doesn't make sense. That's what kids are here to do.
They see the world as it is, as it is now. There are things about this world that don't make sense to them and is our job to force it, to make sense to them? Or not care if it makes sense to them, but we just got to like push them along cause this is the way it goes and so you just got to fall in line? Or can we look at it as, hmm, this is our chance to question. Does this make sense? No. Okay. So how can we change it, sweetie?
I am not an activist out there organizing and marching, writing letters or calling everybody possible, but I want there to be a revolution in this world. I want there to be a change in the way we parent, and that is a very revolutionary act. To give your child a space to feel their feelings and accept that their feelings will come and go that they're fleeting, but they are real and true and big and important for them. And they should be heard and have a voice and have space to explore and learn things by themselves and not have everything forced sped to them as if they're incapable of learning on their own. That is my activism in the world. It is to change the way I parent my child so she can be another revolutionary change in the world that says these ways of oppressing humans to make our ego feel in control are not right. They don't make sense. This is not the only way to raise a human. I mean, the power dynamics in a family are already against a child. So when we add bullying, which we call discipline, we end up telling our kids your voice doesn't fucking matter. How does that help them grow up to be an adult who can speak up for themselves and handle their emotions in a healthy way?
I think children should be given a voice. I think they should be given space to learn things on their own. There are natural boundaries in the world and kids will learn them and understand them. And there is a difference between being permissive and holding boundaries in a calm way. We are not talking about letting them run wild, like wolves. That's not it. And maybe because we perhaps weren't parented from a place of trust and freedom, we don't think our kids are capable of it because we don't think we're capable of it because we've been conditioned to believe that we're not. We are screwing up the world, by the way we parent our kids. Yeah, I said it.
I want us to change the way we parent humans, because we're changing the way we are raising people in society. Just even saying raising our children means it's like, we've got them in a coop. Free range, chickens in this country have more freedom, rights and respect for their lives than our kids. They're locked in all these things. And they're locked in our mental way of thinking because we're locked in our mental way of thinking. That's what I want to question. That's what I want to change. That's what I am feeling very impassioned to shift in this world. Can you feel the passion here? Sometimes I feel like my passion comes off.
As just like, ahhhh, but you know what? We're all driven by passion. And if we're not, if we want to sit in our like, well, I just use, you know, my logical brain, I just want to look at like the facts here and there. And there we are human beings that are driven by emotion. So let's connect that part to each other. And maybe, I dunno, maybe I pull away from theater, maybe theater in this podcast setting doesn't give me all the answers. Maybe I just have to question more creative people that are thinking outside the box. Who's thinking aligns more with, instead of trying to groom my child for the world we have and training them to just fit in and go along with it, why don't I prepare my child to change the world? But that's what the arts do, right? Hold a mirror up to society and ask, how do we change that? Or are you seeing yourself clearly here? Should we take another look at this? I don't know. Maybe this is exactly the space for these conversations to happen, in relation to where the arts meet humanity.
So lovelies, I'll ask you again, what does discipline mean? Is discipline, as punishment, necessary for our children? If we changed the way we thought of disciplining our kids, how would that change the world?
How do you help change the course of parenting? When we stopped doing the same shit that has been generationally passed down to us. Just because something has been going the same way for a long time, doesn't mean that it is either right or working efficiently. So, let's start the revolution and show up as better humans to our kids. When we show up as more evolved energies, full of compassion and empathy, and a desire to change oppressive conditionings, like disciplining our kids through punishment, we changed the world. Aren't you ready for a more amazing world? I know I am!
A Short Story Before We GoShe was driving us insane. We felt like Kristof grappling with Anna, leaving him lost in the woods.
“Well, her behavioral therapist said –
“Yeah, well, it doesn't seem to be working. She's not coming down and we have no control.”
“This doesn't feel right. I feel like a complete failure as a mom. Like I'm completely disconnected from my child. She's screaming her little head off in the room and I'm supposed to wait until she's calm before I go in so I'm not rewarding her screaming and training her that I will respond whenever she cries. But all I want to do is go in there and hug her and find another way to figure this all out.”
“Then we have to do that and find another way to figure this out.”
“I feel like the more I'm trying to implement these ways of disciplining her, I just feel like I'm left, fighting with her all the time. Like it's pushing us further apart. I thought we were supposed to enjoy this time?”
“What should we do?”
“Why do I have to have all the answers? Is it because I'm the mom?”
“What? What are you talking about? No, it's because you're the one reading all the books and working with the therapist and you have very strong ideas and opinions and how to approach this whole disciplining our child thing. So I just want some feedback on how to handle this.”
“Well, I don't know.”
Broken. I felt broken. All the experts we're not here right now. They were not experiencing what I was experiencing. They were not raising our child. They were off dealing with the struggles in their own family. And frankly, for all I know, doing the exact opposite of what they were trying to teach their clients and other families desperate for solutions. There was one thing I knew for a fact, my daughter needed me and me ignoring her cries was stupid. We were not going to solve any problems with her screaming for me in the other room while I sit here trying to will myself to ignore her because someone who didn't know my daughter, as well as I did told me, I should, in order to assert my authority and gain control of my child.
If I was entrusted with raising a strong-willed or defiant child, as people would like to label her, I had to decide whose side I was on. Was I ready to join the masses and label her, desperately working to make her bend to my will so I can celebrate the oppression of another human being on social media as a hashtag parenting moment? Or was I ready to advocate for my child and learn more about who she is so I can help her better? Which meant, I was going to end up doing a lot of work on myself to adjust expectations and abandon the picture in my head of the type of daughter I wanted her to be and embrace the type of daughter that was in my life right now. I chose advocacy. I still choose advocacy. I learned to say, fuck you to the experts.
That's all for today, guys. And dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about discipline. It's a funky thing to talk about, right? But it's in all aspects of our life, we just got to figure out what's the best way to handle it. Are we, uh, are we going to be a bully? Are we going to be someone who's confident in setting boundaries? I think it is fundamental to our growth as a society and group of citizens to the world to explore what that relationship is that we have to discipline and the habit of punishment that we've created and just accepted in our life.
Next episode, we'll talk about trust. So such a small word with so much power.
One last thing before you go here is my audio hug to you. So you can breathe, reset, and kick some ass today. But as always, don't literally kick anyone's ass because that is called assault:
Here's my special hug to you to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight. Go walk in grace and shine your light.
Thanks again. And I'll see you on the other side.