Episode title: I’m Sorry, I Forgot to Pay Attention
Episode summary: Your child won’t listen to you? Take a number, hun. Today we'll be talking about listening - why your kids don’t listen to you and why you may not be the world’s best listener and how to get better.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much needed audio hug.
Quote: “children may not obey, but children will listen, children will look to you, for which way to turn, to learn what to be, careful before you say “listen to me”, children will listen” ~ Finale/Children will Listen from Into the Woods
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
Act II: Main Questions
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
The Actor’s Nightmare
Episode transcript: available at https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/044
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well, I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the parenting edition. I'm Taisha Cameron a fan of Moira Rose and all her wigs. I’m also, and more relevant to the show, a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky little kid, and a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation I made, that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy, better than life as a full-time actor. We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the Method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
Quote: “children may not obey, but children will listen, children will look to you, for which way to turn, to learn what to be, careful before you say “listen to me”, children will listen” ~ the Finale/Children will Listen from Into the Woods
Episode 44 – I’m Sorry, I Forgot to Pay Attention
Hello, is it me your looking for? Probably not, but you ended up here anyway so might as well just stick around and hang for a while. But if you did intend to be here hello hello lovely and welcome back to MFA: The Parenting Edition. Or welcome for the first time if you’re just joining us.
Today’s episode is about listening. Why your kids don’t listen to you and why you may not be the world’s best listener and how to get better. But as always, before we jump into that let’s kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. You don’t need to raise an actual glass…unless you got one in your hand already and if you do I say, HOLLA, let’s do this!
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“I know my sister like I know my own mind, You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind, If I tell her that I love him she’d be silently resigned, He’d be mine, She would say, I’m fine, She’d be lying”
I’m fine. That phrase is so loaded. We lie with our words to most people every day about our feelings and experience of life. When we truly listen to someone, we read the truth they are sharing or hiding. Read the room, know your audience. Listening happens with the whole body, it’s not solely auditory. Angelica knows this, she knows her sister, and that’s why her move to introduce Eliza and Alexander is heartbreaking. She knows in listening to her own heart and thoughts, as much as she wants Alexander, she can’t afford to follow her heart (and all the other parts of her body that want him). And while there are other strong factors into her decision, the most pressing is the way she’s listened to her sister’s feelings about Alexander.
When we care about someone or care to understand a person or situation, we listen to what is being said and not said. We focus on how the words a person says or doesn’t say colors the meaning of what they are internally feeling. Our ears can only give us so much information. The rest of listening has to do with patience, acceptance, and a willingness to understand. We can’t hear someone if we don’t care what they are experiencing. Our listening heightens when we relax our body and allow ourselves to tune into another with all our available senses and openness. You might hate to hear it, but empathy and compassion have everything to do with being a good listener. It’s about opening yourself to feel another person’s truth and connect at the core with why they feel how they do and make the decisions they do. You don’t have to agree with their choices or way of thinking, but we can interpret it into the way we respond to life and get where they’re coming from.
Let’s raise a glass to looking beyond, “I’m fine,” and truly listening to what people are telling us with our whole being.
Question: Why doesn’t my child listen to me? How does someone listen effectively? What are those skills? If I could get my child to listen to me all the time what would that look like and mean for our relationship? What would my relationships look like if I were a better listener?
“So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, bay-bay,” thank you Dave Matthews.
Now, that aside, because I have to sing at least at some point in every episode. And I know I just sang in the Raise the Glass but man, usually by this point in the show I’ve had like 3 under my belt so, had to sneak this one in here. But getting back on topic.
Have you ever had someone talk to you but they were really talking at you or talking in a way that made you mentally skip off to Lalaland and you wished your body could too? We all have, right? Never while you were listening to this podcast though, right?...probably, and I get it. But seriously, we’ve all experienced that at some point in our lives I’m sure of it. If you haven’t you’ve just convinced me you’re an alien.
This has to be what it feels like in our children’s mind when we keep talking to them and barking for them to listen. Because we know it’s barking, right?
In episode 42 about using our voice (I’ll link to that in the show notes if you haven’t heard it yet) I talked about the importance of knowing what you want to say and why you want to say before you say it so you can be heard and communicate effectively.
Now let’s be honest, if your child is not listening to you, it’s because what you have to say is not of importance in their mind at that time. That’s just a fact. Unless they are hearing impaired and cannot actually hear the words coming out of your mouth, your child just does not care to register what you are saying with their entire being while you’re speaking. We’ve all done that. We're all guilty of not fully listening to another person. This is not just a kid versus parent's thing. It’s an all-human thing. When we don’t really want to pay attention or have no interest in what another person is saying at the moment, we will tune them out. Especially if they are coming at us with the same shit they’ve been harping on for a while. Especially if we’re busy and in the middle of something. Especially if it’s something we don’t deem as important at that time, or ever. We tune people out all the time. And it’s not always because we want to be a dick and ignore them. A lot of times we might just have other things on our mind or be engaged in something else that we feel is more pressing. It’s not always a mean thing, it’s a focus or attention thing.
Problem is as a parent we think everything we say to our kids is the most important thing to be said ever and all must listen at the time we say it because damn it we are speaking and that deserves quiet and attention. We want a fucking audience whenever we have something to say, and our kids should be that built in audience rapt with awe and intrigue and honor that we would bestow words of wisdom upon them.
Can we calm the fuck down with ourselves just a little?!
I think a more effective question to ask instead of why isn’t my child listening to me is, what might my child be doing that they feel is super important right now? What am I saying and how am I saying it in a way that might encourage them to tune out? The problem is probably, if I was being a betting chica which I’m not, we are creating a situation in how we talk to our kids that is making it difficult to connect so we feel they’re not listening. Because I think our definition of listening is that they will do what we say, when we say, how we say it, and only ask is this correct and to your satisfaction when they’re done. Anything short of that and we feel they are not listening. And if you are truly concerned about their hearing, please do take them to get their hearing evaluated, there could 100% be an underlying problem that needs to be addressed. Now, when you get the wonderful news that their hearing is great and their ears are healthy, will you then look to evaluate how you communicate and not go about getting your kid tested for all the other types of things people suggest could be the root cause of why your child is “not listening to you?”
Because really, how does someone listen effectively?
An actor’s biggest task is to concentrate and listen. That’s it. I mean yes, there are a million other things that they have to do at the same time, because we as humans do a million things at the same time, but the core of the work is in concentration and listening. If you can master those skills, you are a force to be reckoned with on the stage or screen.
When I was starting my training in college, my biggest worry was listening for my cue line. You don’t want to miss your cue. You stop paying attention and miss your cue well the whole play could combust, and the theatre catch fire. Obviously, that’s everyone’s reaction to missing an important part of their work, right? It will all combust and go to hell in a hand basket. In reality the worst that can happen when you miss your cue is a panic that makes the liveness of theatre that more palpable. There is no cut, reset, take it from the top once a performance has started. The train is not stopping no matter how derailed it is, it will keep going to the end. It either is gonna hit the station or it’s gonna crash and burn. And you’re gonna be there to the end.
We also forget in the seriousness of theatre, and the profession of acting it is a play. We are playing. We are not really these characters, and we are not really living in the world of the play. We are all, audience included, choosing to buy into the nature of the play of live action storytelling to feel. And man, will all the feels come up when you stop listening on stage.
What I learned as I got older and had more experience on stage and more training is that listening is a full body experience. All your senses are engaged when you’re really tuned in and listening to another actor. You watch to see how your scene partner reacts and the facial expressions they’re make when their speaking. You tune into their body language and breathing. You are smelling for bullshit or truth. You are working to put your ego to the side so you can actually connect with the words and body language being communicated. I think I’ll have to do an entire episode on the ego, but we’ll put that to rest right now.
Your scene partner may be experiencing some new emotional responses and so the way they say their line might land on you in an entirely different way than it has all of rehearsal or even previous performances. Listening with your whole body means you catch those nuances and shifts, you let them impact you and your choice on how you respond. Like we’ve gone over before, acting is about being in relationship with another person and so is parenting.
When you’re talking to your child and they are not “listening” or they’ve missed their cue that someone has established is supposed to be the response we should anticipate from a child, “yes, mommy, what is it you’d like to share with me right now, I’ll stop what I am doing to pay attention to you since you are responsible for my life and I’m looked at as not fully human being and worthy of respect and autonomy yet,” if you feel they should be giving you a response that you are not getting it is up to you to be able to connect with them in a way that guides them back to the play your telling and be able to help them understand your point. How do you do that to help the relationship between you and your scene partner?
I know a lot of people in the world subscribe to the “break you down to build you up” mentality. I used to be one of them. And the older I get the more I realize it’s a method bread from fear and oppression. It’s a power move to manipulate and control. It doesn’t respect an individual's autonomy. It doesn’t respect an individual's individuality. I had an OT come to our house when Angelica was a toddler, baby even, not sure exactly but her feelings when meeting Angelica and labeling her as strong willed was Angelica was going to have to bend to her will. Yeah, that OT never came back to our home for another session. She wasn’t listening to my daughter. She wasn’t interested in learning about her or from her. She had the opinion; she was the expert she knew what to do and she was going to show us she was good at her job by breaking my daughters will to her own. And that sentiment is not unique to this particular professional.
Angelica is in swim lessons right now and she is not having it at all. Funny thing is in our community pool or at her cousin's pool, anywhere else where there’s water, she will get into the water with absolutely no fear. I have pulled this kid out of the lake in my neighborhood. She will run towards the ocean as if she’s running home. Fear of water is not her thing. Yet in the environment with an instructor, she wants no part of being in her favorite place. And I had the head swim coach, or teacher there, talk to me towards the end of her first session and tell me that I could get in with her if it would help her to stay in the water, but I shouldn’t take her out of the water because then she will win. I didn’t know I was supposed to have a battle of wills with my daughter and potentially turn her against something she loves so I can have a hashtag mommy wins moment. The child is screaming and hitting the instructor, she wants no part of this, and I’m supposed to keep her in this pool being a danger to herself and the instructor not to mention a distraction to the other kids trying to do their lesson because if I take her out of the pool now then I’m telling her she wins the battle and as the mom I’m supposed to win the battle?
I’m not trying to be at war with my child. I’m trying to build a relationship with her. Am I not supposed to listen to her when she is in distress and help her if I can? Am I not supposed to make her feel safe and supported as she’s trying to navigate her life? It’s not my life to live, it’s her own and if every other person on the planet is in “I’m gonna break your will” mode isn’t it part of my responsibility as a person that loves and cares for her to teach her to listen to her own voice and as long as she’s not a danger to herself or others she can start the process, even at four years old, of listening to what she feels is right for her and expressing it. Isn’t my responsibility to provide a safe rehearsal space for life where she can test things out and practice and play with who her character is interested in shaping into? Isn’t my responsibility to guide her towards her own intrinsic motivation and aide her in building resilience through testing herself and failing and getting back up? If I’m not listening to her wants, needs, desires, struggles, and fears then am I just battling her to bend to my will for my own comfort at the detriment of her own life? If we’re not going to listen to our children and give them space to learn, fail, and grow, why the fuck did we have them?
Angelica Interlude
Do As I Say Not As I Do
How would your life be better and your relationship with your child be better if they listened to you all the time?
Oh my goodness, my child is such an angel. I just tell them one time to do something, and they do it. They just drop whatever they are doing and come immediately to me and are like, “yes mommy, what is it?” or “I’m coming mommy, what do you need?” and then they just do whatever I say. I’m not yelling all over the place like some moms are. I just have the best kids. They are so respectful and caring and thoughtful, I just, I don’t know how else to say it, I’m blessed.
Gag me now! What the hell is that? If you’re goal in life is to be able to say that to other people you didn’t want kids you wanted free labor, those aren’t children those are slaves or programmed robots. Come on now!
The rehearsal room is a special place. It’s a space for experimentation, trust, play, and listening. Yes, the director is the one running things but when you have a great one (and not all directors are created equally) but when you have a great one, they will hear you and your thoughts on the character out and give you space to try, fail, and build trust with you so that when they do have to make a final call about a character choice, blocking, the dynamics in a scene, whatever it might be, you as an actor will be more willing to trust where they are going if there has been open dialogue and mutual listening and respect.
Just like in our family homes, that is not always the case, but in my personal opinion any director I’ve worked with that has shown an interest in hearing from the ensemble and really listened to collaborate and respect others has always been a person I enjoy and respect working with and for. And I will be more willing and open to push myself further or trust a creative decision that I might’ve been doubtful of beforehand.
If an actor cannot listen to themselves and trust their gut, their ability to do the work, if they are constantly looking for approval or direction from others and can’t think freely, does that come from just their genetic makeup and who they are and who they were born to be, or does this come from never have been given the space to be listened to because they were conditioned to just listen to other and do as they were told? Yes, actors do have to take direction. But actors also have to make their own decisions on a character. And when they are in the rehearsal space they need to be equipped to listen to their scene partners. They need to be able to communicate their needs and wants so they can go for them with their full being. They have to be adapt at shifting tactics and conflict resolution. You not always going to see eye to eye with the creatives in the room (I mean, it’s rare if you do) and that is why being able to listen to each other is one of the most valuable resources you can possess. And if it’s not something that’s taught when you’re young, and practiced when you’re young when do you learn this? Because it’s been my experience and the experience that I’ve had in talking to other people that if it’s not something that’s encouraged and learned when you’re young it is a hell of a lot harder to do it when you’re older and break those engrained habits in you. To actually go against your conditioned teaching.
So, my friend, let me ask you again…
Why doesn’t my child listen to me? How does someone listen effectively? What are those skills? If I could get my child to listen to me all the time what would that look like and mean for our relationship? What would my relationships look like if I were a better listener?
Being a better listening is something that is completely in our control. I am working on building this skill everyday and man it is hard as shit. It is an active choice to hear what people as for real life saying without putting our spin on it. Most of the time we catch a word or phrase from a person or expresses and we just grab onto that building up our response in our head and hold it there waiting just waiting to jump in or we do jump in and stop the other person from finishing their thought. Whenever we interrupt it’s because what we feel that what we feel has more merit, or importance, or whatever justification we’re giving it in our head. We cut people off and verbally attack them. We bully and intimidate. We judge and shame. All in the name of using our voice. But what is broken is our ability to listen.
If I were a better listener I wouldn’t work to control the relationship my husband was working to build with his daughter. I wouldn’t meddle with my intentions of helping give tools or guidance on how best I feel I would like our family to respond to the needs and wants of our daughter. Is that a weirdly specific example, yes, because I’m learning how to be a better listener and a lot of times that means learning to shut the eff up. You can’t think you have the best ideas and advice and want to control the narrative and be a good listener at the same time. It’s not possible. Disagree? Great, fight me on that. I’ve stated my thoughts now I’ll listen and you tell me yours. In the work I am doing on myself to be in better relationship with my unit, you know, my husband and daughter and even my extended family and friends, I am learning or relearning or unlearning how to communicate more effectively. I huge part of that is becoming a better listener by observing more and commenting less. Talk less, smile more. What I’ve had to wake up to very recently is that this way I’m journeying down on how to do the mom thing is my own sacred practice and none of what I do is what my husband has to do with his dad practice. We talk a lot about how we’re showing up as parents and partners and how we want to show up in ways we are working towards and not there yet because as much agreement we have or openness we have on the ways we are trying to parent Angelica we don’t have to be in agreement on everything.
I know I previous episodes I mentioned that when I was in grad school for acting I was part of a small group that had had a new acting teacher pretty much every semester. It was infuriating going through it because we felt like we didn’t have the same consistency some of our other cohort did in their training. And it wasn’t until I was finishing school or just graduated that I realized the gift that group of ours had been given. We learned from so many different teachers and got tools from super talented artists that not everyone else did. We were given the gift of variety and built our resilience to adapt to constant changes. My training was richer because of the many people who showed me there were a million ways to get into the life of a character, the real art is in finding out what works for you and letting go of the rest. If I take that and apply it to my life than the members of my family are my scene partners and my acting teachers. They all have different perspectives on how to live, love, and laugh and they are all ways that work for them. If I listen to what my life teachers, my family, my ensemble, is telling me every day, I’ll find the ways to build beautiful unique relationships with all of them in ways that nurture us all individually. And we all know our kids learn from what we model so the better listener I become I can model that for Angelica and hopefully she’ll take those skills and apply it to how she engages with the world. What would your relationships look like if you were a better listener?
A Short Story Before We Go
The Actor’s Nightmare
Did the lights get hotter? It felt hotter in this circle than it had. Their heart thrashed against the cage of ribs confining its freedom to escape. Panic set in and was now registering on the actor. They stared at their scene partner. What the hell just happened, the actor thought. And panic was replaced with a blow to the gut in the form of realization. They drop their line. Not only that, they could not for the life of them remember what was happening in the scene so they weren’t sure where to pick up and jump ahead to. Every prickle on their skin felt painful. These lights most definitely have gotten hotter, they thought. Sweat oozed from every gland on their body. How did this happen? Pastiness sealed their mouth shut. Water! For the love of God how can I get a glass of water? There was no way out. This was one of those ‘the only way out is through’ situations. Their scene partner had even tried giving another prompt in the most subtle way they could but again it was missed. When did they stop listening to what was happening and run off to lala land in their head? Why the bloody hell were these blistering lights still on? They’d never said bloody head before so authentically. Maybe working on this Shakespeare play was incepting their brain with English colloquialisms. Shakespeare! Fuck! They couldn’t just modern day improv their way out of this, unless they could do it in iambic pentameter. No one can save you. The princess needs to save herself in this story, but how? Help me they begged their scene partner with their eyes. And Dionysus himself must’ve taken pity on this poor fool because once their scene partner stepped forward and placed a hand on their shoulder words spilled from their mouth. There was a communal breath of relief from the company and audience who had collectively held their breath in anticipation. Now that the world was spinning back on its axis the story could continue.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about listening. It’s a pretty necessary life skill, tool, resource, to have in your back pocket. What do I mean back pocket that? That shit needs to be used always. All the days and nights, all the time, with all the people.
Next episode we’ll look at our imagination. The last of the tools within the actors toolbox that I used with my kids when I taught theatre in different after school programs. There are tons of other tools we’ve looked at and will continue to examine but those were the four I wanted to share first up this season.
Now, if you’ve enjoyed this episode you’re enjoying this show and want to show your support, please spread a beautiful act of kindness by heading over to MFA Buy Me a Coffee page, I’mma buy you a drink, ooeeoo, and I’mma take you home with me. But no you cannot come home with me. But you can buy me a drink to say ‘Salud, keep up the good work.’ If you don’t feel like buying me a drink, that’s fine. You can share this episode with at least one other person and tell them they can check it out on their favorite listening app of choice.
One last thing before we go – here’s my audio hug to you so you can breathe, reset, and kick some ass today (but don’t literally kick anyone’s ass, we talked about this, that’s called assault):
here’s my special hug for you, to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight, go walk in grace and shine your light
Thanks again and I’ll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.
Episode summary: Your child won’t listen to you? Take a number, hun. Today we'll be talking about listening - why your kids don’t listen to you and why you may not be the world’s best listener and how to get better.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much needed audio hug.
Quote: “children may not obey, but children will listen, children will look to you, for which way to turn, to learn what to be, careful before you say “listen to me”, children will listen” ~ Finale/Children will Listen from Into the Woods
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
- The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
Act II: Main Questions
- Why doesn’t my child listen to me?
- How does someone listen effectively? What are those skills?
- If I could get my child to listen to me all the time what would that look like and mean for our relationship?
- What would my relationship look like if I were a better listener?
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
The Actor’s Nightmare
Episode transcript: available at https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/044
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
- Original Broadway Cast of Into the Woods – Children Will Listen / Finale Lyrics | Genius Lyrics
- Lin-Manuel Miranda - Satisfied Lyrics | Lyrics.com
- My child won't listen to me - 10 tips to turn things around - The Montessori Notebook
- Why Your Child Refuses to Listen | Top Five Parenting Mistakes - YouTube
- Check out the episode on finding your voice if you haven’t heard it yet right here: https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/041
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well, I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the parenting edition. I'm Taisha Cameron a fan of Moira Rose and all her wigs. I’m also, and more relevant to the show, a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky little kid, and a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation I made, that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy, better than life as a full-time actor. We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the Method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
Quote: “children may not obey, but children will listen, children will look to you, for which way to turn, to learn what to be, careful before you say “listen to me”, children will listen” ~ the Finale/Children will Listen from Into the Woods
Episode 44 – I’m Sorry, I Forgot to Pay Attention
Hello, is it me your looking for? Probably not, but you ended up here anyway so might as well just stick around and hang for a while. But if you did intend to be here hello hello lovely and welcome back to MFA: The Parenting Edition. Or welcome for the first time if you’re just joining us.
Today’s episode is about listening. Why your kids don’t listen to you and why you may not be the world’s best listener and how to get better. But as always, before we jump into that let’s kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. You don’t need to raise an actual glass…unless you got one in your hand already and if you do I say, HOLLA, let’s do this!
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“I know my sister like I know my own mind, You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind, If I tell her that I love him she’d be silently resigned, He’d be mine, She would say, I’m fine, She’d be lying”
I’m fine. That phrase is so loaded. We lie with our words to most people every day about our feelings and experience of life. When we truly listen to someone, we read the truth they are sharing or hiding. Read the room, know your audience. Listening happens with the whole body, it’s not solely auditory. Angelica knows this, she knows her sister, and that’s why her move to introduce Eliza and Alexander is heartbreaking. She knows in listening to her own heart and thoughts, as much as she wants Alexander, she can’t afford to follow her heart (and all the other parts of her body that want him). And while there are other strong factors into her decision, the most pressing is the way she’s listened to her sister’s feelings about Alexander.
When we care about someone or care to understand a person or situation, we listen to what is being said and not said. We focus on how the words a person says or doesn’t say colors the meaning of what they are internally feeling. Our ears can only give us so much information. The rest of listening has to do with patience, acceptance, and a willingness to understand. We can’t hear someone if we don’t care what they are experiencing. Our listening heightens when we relax our body and allow ourselves to tune into another with all our available senses and openness. You might hate to hear it, but empathy and compassion have everything to do with being a good listener. It’s about opening yourself to feel another person’s truth and connect at the core with why they feel how they do and make the decisions they do. You don’t have to agree with their choices or way of thinking, but we can interpret it into the way we respond to life and get where they’re coming from.
Let’s raise a glass to looking beyond, “I’m fine,” and truly listening to what people are telling us with our whole being.
Question: Why doesn’t my child listen to me? How does someone listen effectively? What are those skills? If I could get my child to listen to me all the time what would that look like and mean for our relationship? What would my relationships look like if I were a better listener?
“So much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, bay-bay,” thank you Dave Matthews.
Now, that aside, because I have to sing at least at some point in every episode. And I know I just sang in the Raise the Glass but man, usually by this point in the show I’ve had like 3 under my belt so, had to sneak this one in here. But getting back on topic.
Have you ever had someone talk to you but they were really talking at you or talking in a way that made you mentally skip off to Lalaland and you wished your body could too? We all have, right? Never while you were listening to this podcast though, right?...probably, and I get it. But seriously, we’ve all experienced that at some point in our lives I’m sure of it. If you haven’t you’ve just convinced me you’re an alien.
This has to be what it feels like in our children’s mind when we keep talking to them and barking for them to listen. Because we know it’s barking, right?
In episode 42 about using our voice (I’ll link to that in the show notes if you haven’t heard it yet) I talked about the importance of knowing what you want to say and why you want to say before you say it so you can be heard and communicate effectively.
Now let’s be honest, if your child is not listening to you, it’s because what you have to say is not of importance in their mind at that time. That’s just a fact. Unless they are hearing impaired and cannot actually hear the words coming out of your mouth, your child just does not care to register what you are saying with their entire being while you’re speaking. We’ve all done that. We're all guilty of not fully listening to another person. This is not just a kid versus parent's thing. It’s an all-human thing. When we don’t really want to pay attention or have no interest in what another person is saying at the moment, we will tune them out. Especially if they are coming at us with the same shit they’ve been harping on for a while. Especially if we’re busy and in the middle of something. Especially if it’s something we don’t deem as important at that time, or ever. We tune people out all the time. And it’s not always because we want to be a dick and ignore them. A lot of times we might just have other things on our mind or be engaged in something else that we feel is more pressing. It’s not always a mean thing, it’s a focus or attention thing.
Problem is as a parent we think everything we say to our kids is the most important thing to be said ever and all must listen at the time we say it because damn it we are speaking and that deserves quiet and attention. We want a fucking audience whenever we have something to say, and our kids should be that built in audience rapt with awe and intrigue and honor that we would bestow words of wisdom upon them.
Can we calm the fuck down with ourselves just a little?!
I think a more effective question to ask instead of why isn’t my child listening to me is, what might my child be doing that they feel is super important right now? What am I saying and how am I saying it in a way that might encourage them to tune out? The problem is probably, if I was being a betting chica which I’m not, we are creating a situation in how we talk to our kids that is making it difficult to connect so we feel they’re not listening. Because I think our definition of listening is that they will do what we say, when we say, how we say it, and only ask is this correct and to your satisfaction when they’re done. Anything short of that and we feel they are not listening. And if you are truly concerned about their hearing, please do take them to get their hearing evaluated, there could 100% be an underlying problem that needs to be addressed. Now, when you get the wonderful news that their hearing is great and their ears are healthy, will you then look to evaluate how you communicate and not go about getting your kid tested for all the other types of things people suggest could be the root cause of why your child is “not listening to you?”
Because really, how does someone listen effectively?
An actor’s biggest task is to concentrate and listen. That’s it. I mean yes, there are a million other things that they have to do at the same time, because we as humans do a million things at the same time, but the core of the work is in concentration and listening. If you can master those skills, you are a force to be reckoned with on the stage or screen.
When I was starting my training in college, my biggest worry was listening for my cue line. You don’t want to miss your cue. You stop paying attention and miss your cue well the whole play could combust, and the theatre catch fire. Obviously, that’s everyone’s reaction to missing an important part of their work, right? It will all combust and go to hell in a hand basket. In reality the worst that can happen when you miss your cue is a panic that makes the liveness of theatre that more palpable. There is no cut, reset, take it from the top once a performance has started. The train is not stopping no matter how derailed it is, it will keep going to the end. It either is gonna hit the station or it’s gonna crash and burn. And you’re gonna be there to the end.
We also forget in the seriousness of theatre, and the profession of acting it is a play. We are playing. We are not really these characters, and we are not really living in the world of the play. We are all, audience included, choosing to buy into the nature of the play of live action storytelling to feel. And man, will all the feels come up when you stop listening on stage.
What I learned as I got older and had more experience on stage and more training is that listening is a full body experience. All your senses are engaged when you’re really tuned in and listening to another actor. You watch to see how your scene partner reacts and the facial expressions they’re make when their speaking. You tune into their body language and breathing. You are smelling for bullshit or truth. You are working to put your ego to the side so you can actually connect with the words and body language being communicated. I think I’ll have to do an entire episode on the ego, but we’ll put that to rest right now.
Your scene partner may be experiencing some new emotional responses and so the way they say their line might land on you in an entirely different way than it has all of rehearsal or even previous performances. Listening with your whole body means you catch those nuances and shifts, you let them impact you and your choice on how you respond. Like we’ve gone over before, acting is about being in relationship with another person and so is parenting.
When you’re talking to your child and they are not “listening” or they’ve missed their cue that someone has established is supposed to be the response we should anticipate from a child, “yes, mommy, what is it you’d like to share with me right now, I’ll stop what I am doing to pay attention to you since you are responsible for my life and I’m looked at as not fully human being and worthy of respect and autonomy yet,” if you feel they should be giving you a response that you are not getting it is up to you to be able to connect with them in a way that guides them back to the play your telling and be able to help them understand your point. How do you do that to help the relationship between you and your scene partner?
I know a lot of people in the world subscribe to the “break you down to build you up” mentality. I used to be one of them. And the older I get the more I realize it’s a method bread from fear and oppression. It’s a power move to manipulate and control. It doesn’t respect an individual's autonomy. It doesn’t respect an individual's individuality. I had an OT come to our house when Angelica was a toddler, baby even, not sure exactly but her feelings when meeting Angelica and labeling her as strong willed was Angelica was going to have to bend to her will. Yeah, that OT never came back to our home for another session. She wasn’t listening to my daughter. She wasn’t interested in learning about her or from her. She had the opinion; she was the expert she knew what to do and she was going to show us she was good at her job by breaking my daughters will to her own. And that sentiment is not unique to this particular professional.
Angelica is in swim lessons right now and she is not having it at all. Funny thing is in our community pool or at her cousin's pool, anywhere else where there’s water, she will get into the water with absolutely no fear. I have pulled this kid out of the lake in my neighborhood. She will run towards the ocean as if she’s running home. Fear of water is not her thing. Yet in the environment with an instructor, she wants no part of being in her favorite place. And I had the head swim coach, or teacher there, talk to me towards the end of her first session and tell me that I could get in with her if it would help her to stay in the water, but I shouldn’t take her out of the water because then she will win. I didn’t know I was supposed to have a battle of wills with my daughter and potentially turn her against something she loves so I can have a hashtag mommy wins moment. The child is screaming and hitting the instructor, she wants no part of this, and I’m supposed to keep her in this pool being a danger to herself and the instructor not to mention a distraction to the other kids trying to do their lesson because if I take her out of the pool now then I’m telling her she wins the battle and as the mom I’m supposed to win the battle?
I’m not trying to be at war with my child. I’m trying to build a relationship with her. Am I not supposed to listen to her when she is in distress and help her if I can? Am I not supposed to make her feel safe and supported as she’s trying to navigate her life? It’s not my life to live, it’s her own and if every other person on the planet is in “I’m gonna break your will” mode isn’t it part of my responsibility as a person that loves and cares for her to teach her to listen to her own voice and as long as she’s not a danger to herself or others she can start the process, even at four years old, of listening to what she feels is right for her and expressing it. Isn’t my responsibility to provide a safe rehearsal space for life where she can test things out and practice and play with who her character is interested in shaping into? Isn’t my responsibility to guide her towards her own intrinsic motivation and aide her in building resilience through testing herself and failing and getting back up? If I’m not listening to her wants, needs, desires, struggles, and fears then am I just battling her to bend to my will for my own comfort at the detriment of her own life? If we’re not going to listen to our children and give them space to learn, fail, and grow, why the fuck did we have them?
Angelica Interlude
Do As I Say Not As I Do
How would your life be better and your relationship with your child be better if they listened to you all the time?
Oh my goodness, my child is such an angel. I just tell them one time to do something, and they do it. They just drop whatever they are doing and come immediately to me and are like, “yes mommy, what is it?” or “I’m coming mommy, what do you need?” and then they just do whatever I say. I’m not yelling all over the place like some moms are. I just have the best kids. They are so respectful and caring and thoughtful, I just, I don’t know how else to say it, I’m blessed.
Gag me now! What the hell is that? If you’re goal in life is to be able to say that to other people you didn’t want kids you wanted free labor, those aren’t children those are slaves or programmed robots. Come on now!
The rehearsal room is a special place. It’s a space for experimentation, trust, play, and listening. Yes, the director is the one running things but when you have a great one (and not all directors are created equally) but when you have a great one, they will hear you and your thoughts on the character out and give you space to try, fail, and build trust with you so that when they do have to make a final call about a character choice, blocking, the dynamics in a scene, whatever it might be, you as an actor will be more willing to trust where they are going if there has been open dialogue and mutual listening and respect.
Just like in our family homes, that is not always the case, but in my personal opinion any director I’ve worked with that has shown an interest in hearing from the ensemble and really listened to collaborate and respect others has always been a person I enjoy and respect working with and for. And I will be more willing and open to push myself further or trust a creative decision that I might’ve been doubtful of beforehand.
If an actor cannot listen to themselves and trust their gut, their ability to do the work, if they are constantly looking for approval or direction from others and can’t think freely, does that come from just their genetic makeup and who they are and who they were born to be, or does this come from never have been given the space to be listened to because they were conditioned to just listen to other and do as they were told? Yes, actors do have to take direction. But actors also have to make their own decisions on a character. And when they are in the rehearsal space they need to be equipped to listen to their scene partners. They need to be able to communicate their needs and wants so they can go for them with their full being. They have to be adapt at shifting tactics and conflict resolution. You not always going to see eye to eye with the creatives in the room (I mean, it’s rare if you do) and that is why being able to listen to each other is one of the most valuable resources you can possess. And if it’s not something that’s taught when you’re young, and practiced when you’re young when do you learn this? Because it’s been my experience and the experience that I’ve had in talking to other people that if it’s not something that’s encouraged and learned when you’re young it is a hell of a lot harder to do it when you’re older and break those engrained habits in you. To actually go against your conditioned teaching.
So, my friend, let me ask you again…
Why doesn’t my child listen to me? How does someone listen effectively? What are those skills? If I could get my child to listen to me all the time what would that look like and mean for our relationship? What would my relationships look like if I were a better listener?
Being a better listening is something that is completely in our control. I am working on building this skill everyday and man it is hard as shit. It is an active choice to hear what people as for real life saying without putting our spin on it. Most of the time we catch a word or phrase from a person or expresses and we just grab onto that building up our response in our head and hold it there waiting just waiting to jump in or we do jump in and stop the other person from finishing their thought. Whenever we interrupt it’s because what we feel that what we feel has more merit, or importance, or whatever justification we’re giving it in our head. We cut people off and verbally attack them. We bully and intimidate. We judge and shame. All in the name of using our voice. But what is broken is our ability to listen.
If I were a better listener I wouldn’t work to control the relationship my husband was working to build with his daughter. I wouldn’t meddle with my intentions of helping give tools or guidance on how best I feel I would like our family to respond to the needs and wants of our daughter. Is that a weirdly specific example, yes, because I’m learning how to be a better listener and a lot of times that means learning to shut the eff up. You can’t think you have the best ideas and advice and want to control the narrative and be a good listener at the same time. It’s not possible. Disagree? Great, fight me on that. I’ve stated my thoughts now I’ll listen and you tell me yours. In the work I am doing on myself to be in better relationship with my unit, you know, my husband and daughter and even my extended family and friends, I am learning or relearning or unlearning how to communicate more effectively. I huge part of that is becoming a better listener by observing more and commenting less. Talk less, smile more. What I’ve had to wake up to very recently is that this way I’m journeying down on how to do the mom thing is my own sacred practice and none of what I do is what my husband has to do with his dad practice. We talk a lot about how we’re showing up as parents and partners and how we want to show up in ways we are working towards and not there yet because as much agreement we have or openness we have on the ways we are trying to parent Angelica we don’t have to be in agreement on everything.
I know I previous episodes I mentioned that when I was in grad school for acting I was part of a small group that had had a new acting teacher pretty much every semester. It was infuriating going through it because we felt like we didn’t have the same consistency some of our other cohort did in their training. And it wasn’t until I was finishing school or just graduated that I realized the gift that group of ours had been given. We learned from so many different teachers and got tools from super talented artists that not everyone else did. We were given the gift of variety and built our resilience to adapt to constant changes. My training was richer because of the many people who showed me there were a million ways to get into the life of a character, the real art is in finding out what works for you and letting go of the rest. If I take that and apply it to my life than the members of my family are my scene partners and my acting teachers. They all have different perspectives on how to live, love, and laugh and they are all ways that work for them. If I listen to what my life teachers, my family, my ensemble, is telling me every day, I’ll find the ways to build beautiful unique relationships with all of them in ways that nurture us all individually. And we all know our kids learn from what we model so the better listener I become I can model that for Angelica and hopefully she’ll take those skills and apply it to how she engages with the world. What would your relationships look like if you were a better listener?
A Short Story Before We Go
The Actor’s Nightmare
Did the lights get hotter? It felt hotter in this circle than it had. Their heart thrashed against the cage of ribs confining its freedom to escape. Panic set in and was now registering on the actor. They stared at their scene partner. What the hell just happened, the actor thought. And panic was replaced with a blow to the gut in the form of realization. They drop their line. Not only that, they could not for the life of them remember what was happening in the scene so they weren’t sure where to pick up and jump ahead to. Every prickle on their skin felt painful. These lights most definitely have gotten hotter, they thought. Sweat oozed from every gland on their body. How did this happen? Pastiness sealed their mouth shut. Water! For the love of God how can I get a glass of water? There was no way out. This was one of those ‘the only way out is through’ situations. Their scene partner had even tried giving another prompt in the most subtle way they could but again it was missed. When did they stop listening to what was happening and run off to lala land in their head? Why the bloody hell were these blistering lights still on? They’d never said bloody head before so authentically. Maybe working on this Shakespeare play was incepting their brain with English colloquialisms. Shakespeare! Fuck! They couldn’t just modern day improv their way out of this, unless they could do it in iambic pentameter. No one can save you. The princess needs to save herself in this story, but how? Help me they begged their scene partner with their eyes. And Dionysus himself must’ve taken pity on this poor fool because once their scene partner stepped forward and placed a hand on their shoulder words spilled from their mouth. There was a communal breath of relief from the company and audience who had collectively held their breath in anticipation. Now that the world was spinning back on its axis the story could continue.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about listening. It’s a pretty necessary life skill, tool, resource, to have in your back pocket. What do I mean back pocket that? That shit needs to be used always. All the days and nights, all the time, with all the people.
Next episode we’ll look at our imagination. The last of the tools within the actors toolbox that I used with my kids when I taught theatre in different after school programs. There are tons of other tools we’ve looked at and will continue to examine but those were the four I wanted to share first up this season.
Now, if you’ve enjoyed this episode you’re enjoying this show and want to show your support, please spread a beautiful act of kindness by heading over to MFA Buy Me a Coffee page, I’mma buy you a drink, ooeeoo, and I’mma take you home with me. But no you cannot come home with me. But you can buy me a drink to say ‘Salud, keep up the good work.’ If you don’t feel like buying me a drink, that’s fine. You can share this episode with at least one other person and tell them they can check it out on their favorite listening app of choice.
One last thing before we go – here’s my audio hug to you so you can breathe, reset, and kick some ass today (but don’t literally kick anyone’s ass, we talked about this, that’s called assault):
here’s my special hug for you, to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight, go walk in grace and shine your light
Thanks again and I’ll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.