MFA: THE PARENTING EDITION EPISODE 040 SHOW NOTES
https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/040
Episode title: I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me
Episode summary: Today we'll dive into the art of observing our children and ourselves to learn what we all really want and need. Dr. Maria Montessori wrote and spoke extensively on the necessity for the adult caregiver and/or parent to be an observer. Preparing the adult, is one of her pillars of the method. Kind of like Stanislavski’s book An Actor Prepares. There is a lot of preparation an actor has to do on themselves before they can step on a stage and begin saying their lines. Intense acting training is…probably the equivalent of being a lab rat and a toddler all over again, at the same time.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much needed audio hug.
Quote: We cannot create observers by saying 'observe', but by giving them the power and the means for this observation and these means are procured through education of the senses.
Maria Montessori
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
Act II: Main Questions
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
Sneaky Sneaky at the Garden
Freebie: get the exercise from today’s episode here
Episode transcript: available at https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/040
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
____________________________________
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the Parenting Edition. I'm Taisha Cameron a forever NSYNC fan and a Harry Potter nerd. I’m also, and more relevant to the show, a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky little kid, and a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation I made, that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy, better than life as a full-time actor. We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the Method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
Quote: We cannot create observers by saying 'observe', but by giving them the power and the means for this observation and these means are procured through education of the senses.
Maria Montessori
Episode 40 – I Always Feel Like Somebodies Watching Me
Hello hello lovely and welcome back to MFA: The Parenting Edition. Today’s episode is about sparking curiosity to power through observation. We’ll dive into the art of observing our children and ourselves to learn what we all really want and need. Before we jump into that let’s kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. You don’t need to raise an actual glass…unless you got one in your hand already and if you do I say, HOLLA, let’s do this!
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“Now the work at home begins…So, what’d I miss?”
The work at home we do as a parent is more than changing diapers, driving kids to practice, and making sure to keep these young human beings alive. And it begins the moment we make the decision to accept the role of parenting and accept our child for who they are. It’s the moment when we look at our child or children and say I’m just going to watch you and see what you tell me you need. It’s the moment we choose to use all our available senses to fully comprehend how this human sees the world, how they need to explore it, how they select what they are interested in or not, and how they communicate. When we can stop trying to control, manipulate, cajole, entice, and all the other verbs that get tossed around on how to manage a child as if they were a project or business is when we accept the role of parent and begin to understand unconditional love. We can miss a lot when we don’t take the time to sit and observe what’s going on around us. Learning how to stop, slow down, and observe our children is a practice in our own self-growth and a way in to building true compassion and empathy for our little munchkins.
Let’s raise a glass to not missing a thing because we are putting in the work at home to be the best observer parents we can be.
Question: What sparks your curiosity? What does it mean to observe? What is the importance of observation? How can you help a person feel seen, heard, and understood? If we had all the time in the world to observe what our children were showing us they needed, what would we learn from them?
Once upon a time there was a magical book called, the dictionary. In this book contained the meaning to all the words in the English language. One inquisitive little girl opened the large hardcovered book and searched.
Observe - to watch carefully especially with attention to details or behavior for the purpose of arriving at a judgment
Aware - having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge
Awareness - the quality or state of being aware : knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists
“I exist,” she thought. “I understand that I exist and there is something happening in me to make me be the way I am, so I must have awareness of myself. Whoa!” she was flabbergasted. And then a new thought arose, “Does everyone have this awareness? I guess I’ll have to observe and find out.”
I should be sponsored by the fucking Merriam-Webster Dictionary the way I’m constantly using it for this show. That’d be hilarious. I bet I’d be the first podcast sponsored by the dictionary. “Oh your host has sponsors, what is she trying to sell you on her show?” “The dictionary.” “‘Kay, great…remind me not to follow that show.”
But besides sharing words from the dictionary, I want to share with you ideas. Ideas about providing stronger support for ourselves and our kids as we grow together. I think it’s easy, as parents, to feel our job is to help our kids grow. I mean, duh, that’s in the job description, right? But do we get curious enough to witness how being in relationship with them helps us grow? They are as much our guides as we are theirs. They watch our every move, they absorb all we do and say. They are, quite literally, the best observers the world has. Children are naturally inquisitive and curious. They want to know what we’re thinking, what we’re doing, can they help, how things work, why we do the things we do, why the world does the things it does, how they can fix things, why we are upset at them, how they can make it better, how they can make sure they are safe, supported, and loved. They watch our every move, they absorb all we do and say. My daughter has learned the most appropriate context for when to use the phrase, “this fucking shit” and she learned it by watching me. So, if they are spending all this time observing us to learn about the world and how they best navigate it, are we spending time observing them to learn who they are and what they need?
The Lab of Humanity
Intense acting training is…probably the equivalent of being a lab rat and a toddler all over again, at the same time.
Under a microscope for 3 years in drama school, we studied ourselves and one another as a way of understanding how a person behaves and lives to better help us craft the life of our characters.
We needed to observe how we moved, breathed, spoke, relaxed, and connected to others. All the things humans do all the time and actors have to do on stage or on set, yet somehow, when actor’s step into these arena’s they forget how to do any of it. Breathing’s usually the first thing to go.
We had to do things to challenge ourselves to break our habits – try using your non-dominant hand to do a routine activity, show something in front of a group we were not comfortable sharing or felt awkward doing. The more uncomfortable it made you, the better.
We also had to observe each other’s movements, mannerisms, habits, and breakthroughs.
When a colleague was working, say, doing one of the method exercises like taking a bath (see Season 1 episode 8 for a breakdown on that exercise) we watched without interrupting. Then when the exercise was over, and everyone had gotten a chance to work, then is when we would comment on what we saw or ask questions. Observation without judgement or expectation, which can be super difficult.
This type of intense attention to detail, habits, and patterns is what observing a child looks like.
I’ve read a lot about the Montessori method and I try to incorporate it as much as I can when and how I can in our home. Dr. Maria Montessori wrote and spoke extensively on the necessity for the adult caregiver and/or parent to be an observer. Preparing the adult, is one of her pillars of the method. Kind of like Stanislavski’s book, An Actor Prepares. There is a lot of preparation an actor has to do on themselves before they can step on a stage and begin saying lines. It’s a mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation designed to heighten all our available senses. This season is all about the similarities of an actor’s preparation into the role of their character and the parents’ preparation into the relationship with their child.
Why is observation important? Like why should we care what are children are doing? Shouldn’t we just be telling them what to do? I’ll answer that question with another question, do you like being told what to do? Raise your hand if you love being told what to do. If it’s your favorite thing and you’re always super receptive and you never get defensive or confrontational or aggressive aggressive or passive aggressive or any of the aggressive towards the person that’s telling you what to do. Any hands up? I can’t see, I wish I could see if there were any hands up right now but I can’t umm my hand is not up, no mine is not. The only time, I admit the only time I am okay with somebody telling me what to do is if I have to do something either for somebody or with someone and there’s a specific set way to do it then yes please tell me what the fucking hell to do cause I don’t want to hear bitching about it if it’s wrong. If there’s a specific way you want it done then tell me what those steps are and I will make sure I cross all the T’s and dot all the I’s. Other than that I probably feel like stand down with that, right. Stand down. Might not your child feel the same way?
So what happens when we just observe them?
When we observe a child, we let them explore instead of telling them what to do and how to do it. When we let a child explore, we stay out of the way and only get involved as much as necessary. When we observe we are not judging them in a criticizing way, that judgment is to see what they’re doing and how they’re doing it. We are witnessing how they play, how their mind works, being witness to a life uninterrupted. Simply living.
We also pick up on what they struggle with and where their strengths lie. We can then make note of how we can present things they may need help with and support the strengths they have.
That’s the importance of observing a child. We’ll look more at how to do it after this.
Angelica Interlude
Angelica: Um, hello mommy. I don't want to do potty. Over.
Taisha: You don't want to do potty?
Angelica: Yeah. Over. You didn't say over.
Taisha: Okay. I will say over. Do you want to work on the podcast? Over.
Angelica: Yeah, over.
Taisha: Okay. What do you want to talk about today? Over.
Angelica: Uh, I want to build a fort. Over.
Taisha: You'd like to build a fort? Over.
Angelica: Yeah. Over.
Taisha: How do you build a fort? Over.
Angelica: Every. Use couch and cushion. Over.
Taisha: So we need to use our couch and our cushions. And what else do we usually use when we build a fort?
Angelica: Pillows.
Taisha: Pillows. And what else?
Angelica: A blanklet.
Taisha: Yes, we need all of those things. And then. What do we have to do with all of those things? Over.
Angelica: We need to go in when it's done. Over.
Taisha: That's right when it's done, you go in What do we do once we're in the Fort? Over.
Angelica: You need a flashlight to help see. Over. That's right. A flashlight. We need a flashlight. Oh, we're kind of using this microphone. Like it's a walkie talkie right? Over.
Over.
Taisha: All right. Should we stop our conversation about forts?
Angelica: Yeah. Over.
Taisha: I forgot to say it. Okay. All right. Thanks so much for talking with me, Angelica, over.
Angelica: Over.
Taisha: I love you.
Angelica: I love you.
Taisha: Bye.
Angelica: Bye.
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble
A little reminiscent of Halloween now, aren’t we?
So, this exercise is a double dose of dirty digging. Whoa, love that! Alliteration train is coming through, choo choo! It requires you to take time to observe yourself and your child.
Take 3 days, yes I said 3 days, and just watch how you interact and engage with the world around you. It’s the mindfulness practice that’s all the rage, and for good reason. So, this is how you watch yourself:
An actor looks at the script to get clues about how their character behaves and interacts with others. You don’t have the luxury of a script for your life, and short of recording every single thing you do and then sitting down to play it back and take objective notes is completely unrealistic, on top of a violation of everyone else’s privacy you interact with, the next best thing is to find ways of bringing awareness to the moment. If the practice of observing yourself is new to you, one way to develop a habit is to make it part of your routine. Set a reminder alarm on your phone to Watch Yourself – shake ya ass, watch yourself, shake your ass, show me what you workin’ with. Yeah, I went there, alright I did, and moving on. And then set a timer for like 3-5 minutes.
During this time make it a point to focus your attention on what you are doing. If your alarm buzzes when you’re in the middle of cooking dinner focus your attention on the task of cooking. Focusing our attention has to do with engaging all your available senses. As you get better at heightening your senses your center of attention (thank you for this term, Stanislavski) will naturally widen.
Next, as you become more aware of how you are doing the activity, your attention will then widen to the feelings and sensations that show up in your body while doing it. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. It’s not an exercise in self-criticism. I can be extremely mentally, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abuse to myself in the words I choose to use and the pressure I put on myself to be better than I currently am. Just the other day, kind of out of nowhere, when I went to bed I started telling myself, “you can’t fucking do anything Tai, you can’t get anything done that you want because you’re a failure, you fail as a mom, you have no career, you can’t take care of your home, you’re a lousy fucking partner, the world is set up so you can’t have anything you want career wise because you are a woman, fuck the patriarchy, but if you were smarter if you were more creative or…” and on and on I went with the mental assault on my character. Unfortunately, I’m not the only person this happens to. And we get into this trap when we neglect all the things we actually do, how we do them, and how they make us feel. When we have no connection to what we truly want and need. So, I’m gonna say this to myself and to you – STOP! JUST STOP! That stop, hopefully, will continue to pop into your head every time that you start to be negative with yourself and if it does and it annoys the hell out of you well then I have done my job here ladies and gentlemen you are welcome. Because I want someone to do that to me, I want someone to scream stop doing that. So, let’s help each other be kinder, observe what we want, what we need, where we’re at, and sit with it for a while.
So, take 3 days and really observe what you do, how you do it, and the feelings and sensations that start a stirring. Notice it with curiosity. Hmm, that’s how I mechanically do that task, I was never aware of that. Hmm, that’s what sensations come up when I do this, curious, I wonder why, but I don’t have to answer that right now, I’m just gonna experience this sensation or feeling and stay with it until it passes.
The next 3 days observe your child. Just watch them. When they are going bonkers, as long as they are not hurting themselves or hurting anyone else, just watch them without reacting. When they are having an emotional meltdown, instead of screaming for them to stop crying, you’re fine, or swooping them up to give hugs immediately, watch the meltdown. Again, set your timer if you need for like once every hour you’re gonna be with them as a reminder to be incredibly present. Stay off your phone, or any distractions during that time and just bear witness to your child being a child. Again, unless they are in danger of hurting you, themselves, or others don’t try to stop or change their behavior. Turn on your senses and pay attention to what they do, how they do it, and what are the feelings or sensations they are working to process. Make note of it mentally or literally write it down later. They are showing us what they need every moment of the day and studying us to see how we are going to respond to their wants and needs.
So, my friend, let me ask you again…
What sparks your curiosity? How can you help a person feel seen, heard, and understood? If we had all the time in the world to observe what our children were showing us they needed, what would we learn from them?
We have sooo much to learn from our kids. They are excellent teachers because they are the most curious of the curious. If we take a page from their book on curiosity, we’ll learn how to observe with as much detail as they do. That observation allows us to connect to a person’s wants and needs. Understanding at that deep level makes us feel seen and heard. How exciting to know we have little teachers in our own home that want us to success and will walk the path of Ultimate Curiosity with us if we’re ready for the journey.
What sparks your curiosity?
Curiosity leads to observing. Observation brings awareness. Being aware is the only way to change. The ability to change and evolve is how we grow. Growth is where our power lies. Curiosity is Power. I told you we’d circle back to it.
Part of preparing to be a parent (lol – peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers – the alliteration train has pulled into the station again, choo choo) …but, part of preparing to be a parent is to do our own observation of self. Being curious about how we’ll show up, what we believe, what we think, what are our strengths, and what are our habits and weaknesses and /or blind spots, humbles us and builds respect to be in relationship with this other human being.
A Short Story Before We Go
Where is she?
I knew she was around here somewhere. While she is spunky and daring, she’s not an idiot. She’s not reckless enough to run off by herself away from the group and do something dangerous. She likes the drama of me seeing the stupid shit she’s going to do and then me fighting with her to not do it. Now what she may and may not do with a group is a different story, but by herself she’s not that reckless.
Got her. Aww. She’s playing in the sand pit by herself. What a Kodak moment? That sun seeping through the tree leaves and washing her golden-brown curls in honey light is gorgeous. She’s gorgeous. Wow, we really made a great kid. I’ll just have to mentally snap this because I’d have to be using an insanely awesome and expensive camera to get a really great shot from here. And if I creep up any closer, she’ll totally see me. Cover blown.
I knew this would be a great experience for her. She needs to be running and playing and getting filthy. She needs to be around other kids. She doesn’t need to be in a classroom or following school rules or being made to sit at a desk. She needs to be out in nature and learning about her world through experience and exploration. Plus, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not ready to send her off by herself and she’s not ready for that either. This kid is not the ‘I’m going to sit down quietly and do as I’m told’ child. Unless it’s something she wants to do. Not a judgment about her or a jab at my parenting, that’s who she is.
She looks so happy. Thank goodness this tree is here. I can just take a peak and make sure she’s alright. [sing] “I always feel like somebody’s watching me” Is this creepy? I’m her mom. It’s the only way I can make sure she’s not in danger or causing danger to someone else without distracting her from her work or being roped into a game I don’t want to play.
Shit she spotted me. "Hey mom, come play with me!" "Coming." Man, and to think this morning she didn’t want to come to the garden. Now it looks like she doesn’t ever want to leave.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about curiosity and observation. If you’d like to do the exercise from today and you would prefer it all typed up pretty in a nice simple PDF page, I got ya covered there, too. Just click the link to get the free PDF. I would love to know what you get out of this exercise, if it’s of any benefit to you at all, my curiosity wants to know what sparks your curiosity so feel free to email me and share your experience.
Next episode we’ll look at our voice, both its power and weakness for an actor and a parent. Happy Thanksgiving to all those who will be celebrating next week. Whatever your beliefs and values take time to show gratitude for the people in your life that you’re in relationship with, for the Earth’s air to breathe, water to drink, and food to eat, and for your mortality – it’s not morbid to celebrate the fact that one day we will die, it’s freeing to celebrate our life right now and how we can make another person’s life better while we’re here.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to show your support, please spread a beautiful act of kindness by heading over to MFA Buy Me a Coffee page, I’mma buy you a drink, ooeeoo, and I’mma take you home with me. But no you cannot come home with me. You can buy me a drink to say ‘Salud, keep up the good work,’ and by sharing the show with at least one person so they can listen on their favorite listening app of choice.
One last thing before we go – here’s my audio hug to you so you can breath, reset, and kick some ass today (but don’t literally kick anyone’s ass, we talked about this at the top of the show, that’s called assault): here’s my special hug for you, to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight, go walk in grace and shine your light.
Thanks again and I’ll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.
https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/040
Episode title: I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me
Episode summary: Today we'll dive into the art of observing our children and ourselves to learn what we all really want and need. Dr. Maria Montessori wrote and spoke extensively on the necessity for the adult caregiver and/or parent to be an observer. Preparing the adult, is one of her pillars of the method. Kind of like Stanislavski’s book An Actor Prepares. There is a lot of preparation an actor has to do on themselves before they can step on a stage and begin saying their lines. Intense acting training is…probably the equivalent of being a lab rat and a toddler all over again, at the same time.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much needed audio hug.
Quote: We cannot create observers by saying 'observe', but by giving them the power and the means for this observation and these means are procured through education of the senses.
Maria Montessori
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
- The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
Act II: Main Questions
- What sparks your curiosity?
- How can you help a person feel seen, heard, and understood?
- What does it mean to observe? What is the importance of observation?
- If we had all the time in the world to observe what our children were showing us they needed, what would we learn from them?
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
Sneaky Sneaky at the Garden
Freebie: get the exercise from today’s episode here
Episode transcript: available at https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/040
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
- *NSYNC - MTV VMA 2000 Performance - YouTube
- Goblet Of Wine: A Drunken British Harry Potter Podcast on Apple Podcasts
- Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me (Official Music Video) - YouTube
- About Montessori | Association Montessori Internationale (montessori-ami.org)
- The Montessori Method - Maria Montessori - Google Books
- Dictionary by Merriam-Webster: America's most-trusted online dictionary
- Delray Beach Children's Garden (delraybeachchildrensgarden.org)
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
____________________________________
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the Parenting Edition. I'm Taisha Cameron a forever NSYNC fan and a Harry Potter nerd. I’m also, and more relevant to the show, a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky little kid, and a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation I made, that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy, better than life as a full-time actor. We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the Method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
Quote: We cannot create observers by saying 'observe', but by giving them the power and the means for this observation and these means are procured through education of the senses.
Maria Montessori
Episode 40 – I Always Feel Like Somebodies Watching Me
Hello hello lovely and welcome back to MFA: The Parenting Edition. Today’s episode is about sparking curiosity to power through observation. We’ll dive into the art of observing our children and ourselves to learn what we all really want and need. Before we jump into that let’s kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. You don’t need to raise an actual glass…unless you got one in your hand already and if you do I say, HOLLA, let’s do this!
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“Now the work at home begins…So, what’d I miss?”
The work at home we do as a parent is more than changing diapers, driving kids to practice, and making sure to keep these young human beings alive. And it begins the moment we make the decision to accept the role of parenting and accept our child for who they are. It’s the moment when we look at our child or children and say I’m just going to watch you and see what you tell me you need. It’s the moment we choose to use all our available senses to fully comprehend how this human sees the world, how they need to explore it, how they select what they are interested in or not, and how they communicate. When we can stop trying to control, manipulate, cajole, entice, and all the other verbs that get tossed around on how to manage a child as if they were a project or business is when we accept the role of parent and begin to understand unconditional love. We can miss a lot when we don’t take the time to sit and observe what’s going on around us. Learning how to stop, slow down, and observe our children is a practice in our own self-growth and a way in to building true compassion and empathy for our little munchkins.
Let’s raise a glass to not missing a thing because we are putting in the work at home to be the best observer parents we can be.
Question: What sparks your curiosity? What does it mean to observe? What is the importance of observation? How can you help a person feel seen, heard, and understood? If we had all the time in the world to observe what our children were showing us they needed, what would we learn from them?
Once upon a time there was a magical book called, the dictionary. In this book contained the meaning to all the words in the English language. One inquisitive little girl opened the large hardcovered book and searched.
Observe - to watch carefully especially with attention to details or behavior for the purpose of arriving at a judgment
Aware - having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge
Awareness - the quality or state of being aware : knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists
“I exist,” she thought. “I understand that I exist and there is something happening in me to make me be the way I am, so I must have awareness of myself. Whoa!” she was flabbergasted. And then a new thought arose, “Does everyone have this awareness? I guess I’ll have to observe and find out.”
I should be sponsored by the fucking Merriam-Webster Dictionary the way I’m constantly using it for this show. That’d be hilarious. I bet I’d be the first podcast sponsored by the dictionary. “Oh your host has sponsors, what is she trying to sell you on her show?” “The dictionary.” “‘Kay, great…remind me not to follow that show.”
But besides sharing words from the dictionary, I want to share with you ideas. Ideas about providing stronger support for ourselves and our kids as we grow together. I think it’s easy, as parents, to feel our job is to help our kids grow. I mean, duh, that’s in the job description, right? But do we get curious enough to witness how being in relationship with them helps us grow? They are as much our guides as we are theirs. They watch our every move, they absorb all we do and say. They are, quite literally, the best observers the world has. Children are naturally inquisitive and curious. They want to know what we’re thinking, what we’re doing, can they help, how things work, why we do the things we do, why the world does the things it does, how they can fix things, why we are upset at them, how they can make it better, how they can make sure they are safe, supported, and loved. They watch our every move, they absorb all we do and say. My daughter has learned the most appropriate context for when to use the phrase, “this fucking shit” and she learned it by watching me. So, if they are spending all this time observing us to learn about the world and how they best navigate it, are we spending time observing them to learn who they are and what they need?
The Lab of Humanity
Intense acting training is…probably the equivalent of being a lab rat and a toddler all over again, at the same time.
Under a microscope for 3 years in drama school, we studied ourselves and one another as a way of understanding how a person behaves and lives to better help us craft the life of our characters.
We needed to observe how we moved, breathed, spoke, relaxed, and connected to others. All the things humans do all the time and actors have to do on stage or on set, yet somehow, when actor’s step into these arena’s they forget how to do any of it. Breathing’s usually the first thing to go.
We had to do things to challenge ourselves to break our habits – try using your non-dominant hand to do a routine activity, show something in front of a group we were not comfortable sharing or felt awkward doing. The more uncomfortable it made you, the better.
We also had to observe each other’s movements, mannerisms, habits, and breakthroughs.
When a colleague was working, say, doing one of the method exercises like taking a bath (see Season 1 episode 8 for a breakdown on that exercise) we watched without interrupting. Then when the exercise was over, and everyone had gotten a chance to work, then is when we would comment on what we saw or ask questions. Observation without judgement or expectation, which can be super difficult.
This type of intense attention to detail, habits, and patterns is what observing a child looks like.
I’ve read a lot about the Montessori method and I try to incorporate it as much as I can when and how I can in our home. Dr. Maria Montessori wrote and spoke extensively on the necessity for the adult caregiver and/or parent to be an observer. Preparing the adult, is one of her pillars of the method. Kind of like Stanislavski’s book, An Actor Prepares. There is a lot of preparation an actor has to do on themselves before they can step on a stage and begin saying lines. It’s a mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation designed to heighten all our available senses. This season is all about the similarities of an actor’s preparation into the role of their character and the parents’ preparation into the relationship with their child.
Why is observation important? Like why should we care what are children are doing? Shouldn’t we just be telling them what to do? I’ll answer that question with another question, do you like being told what to do? Raise your hand if you love being told what to do. If it’s your favorite thing and you’re always super receptive and you never get defensive or confrontational or aggressive aggressive or passive aggressive or any of the aggressive towards the person that’s telling you what to do. Any hands up? I can’t see, I wish I could see if there were any hands up right now but I can’t umm my hand is not up, no mine is not. The only time, I admit the only time I am okay with somebody telling me what to do is if I have to do something either for somebody or with someone and there’s a specific set way to do it then yes please tell me what the fucking hell to do cause I don’t want to hear bitching about it if it’s wrong. If there’s a specific way you want it done then tell me what those steps are and I will make sure I cross all the T’s and dot all the I’s. Other than that I probably feel like stand down with that, right. Stand down. Might not your child feel the same way?
So what happens when we just observe them?
When we observe a child, we let them explore instead of telling them what to do and how to do it. When we let a child explore, we stay out of the way and only get involved as much as necessary. When we observe we are not judging them in a criticizing way, that judgment is to see what they’re doing and how they’re doing it. We are witnessing how they play, how their mind works, being witness to a life uninterrupted. Simply living.
We also pick up on what they struggle with and where their strengths lie. We can then make note of how we can present things they may need help with and support the strengths they have.
That’s the importance of observing a child. We’ll look more at how to do it after this.
Angelica Interlude
Angelica: Um, hello mommy. I don't want to do potty. Over.
Taisha: You don't want to do potty?
Angelica: Yeah. Over. You didn't say over.
Taisha: Okay. I will say over. Do you want to work on the podcast? Over.
Angelica: Yeah, over.
Taisha: Okay. What do you want to talk about today? Over.
Angelica: Uh, I want to build a fort. Over.
Taisha: You'd like to build a fort? Over.
Angelica: Yeah. Over.
Taisha: How do you build a fort? Over.
Angelica: Every. Use couch and cushion. Over.
Taisha: So we need to use our couch and our cushions. And what else do we usually use when we build a fort?
Angelica: Pillows.
Taisha: Pillows. And what else?
Angelica: A blanklet.
Taisha: Yes, we need all of those things. And then. What do we have to do with all of those things? Over.
Angelica: We need to go in when it's done. Over.
Taisha: That's right when it's done, you go in What do we do once we're in the Fort? Over.
Angelica: You need a flashlight to help see. Over. That's right. A flashlight. We need a flashlight. Oh, we're kind of using this microphone. Like it's a walkie talkie right? Over.
Over.
Taisha: All right. Should we stop our conversation about forts?
Angelica: Yeah. Over.
Taisha: I forgot to say it. Okay. All right. Thanks so much for talking with me, Angelica, over.
Angelica: Over.
Taisha: I love you.
Angelica: I love you.
Taisha: Bye.
Angelica: Bye.
Double, Double, Toil and Trouble
A little reminiscent of Halloween now, aren’t we?
So, this exercise is a double dose of dirty digging. Whoa, love that! Alliteration train is coming through, choo choo! It requires you to take time to observe yourself and your child.
Take 3 days, yes I said 3 days, and just watch how you interact and engage with the world around you. It’s the mindfulness practice that’s all the rage, and for good reason. So, this is how you watch yourself:
An actor looks at the script to get clues about how their character behaves and interacts with others. You don’t have the luxury of a script for your life, and short of recording every single thing you do and then sitting down to play it back and take objective notes is completely unrealistic, on top of a violation of everyone else’s privacy you interact with, the next best thing is to find ways of bringing awareness to the moment. If the practice of observing yourself is new to you, one way to develop a habit is to make it part of your routine. Set a reminder alarm on your phone to Watch Yourself – shake ya ass, watch yourself, shake your ass, show me what you workin’ with. Yeah, I went there, alright I did, and moving on. And then set a timer for like 3-5 minutes.
During this time make it a point to focus your attention on what you are doing. If your alarm buzzes when you’re in the middle of cooking dinner focus your attention on the task of cooking. Focusing our attention has to do with engaging all your available senses. As you get better at heightening your senses your center of attention (thank you for this term, Stanislavski) will naturally widen.
Next, as you become more aware of how you are doing the activity, your attention will then widen to the feelings and sensations that show up in your body while doing it. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. It’s not an exercise in self-criticism. I can be extremely mentally, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abuse to myself in the words I choose to use and the pressure I put on myself to be better than I currently am. Just the other day, kind of out of nowhere, when I went to bed I started telling myself, “you can’t fucking do anything Tai, you can’t get anything done that you want because you’re a failure, you fail as a mom, you have no career, you can’t take care of your home, you’re a lousy fucking partner, the world is set up so you can’t have anything you want career wise because you are a woman, fuck the patriarchy, but if you were smarter if you were more creative or…” and on and on I went with the mental assault on my character. Unfortunately, I’m not the only person this happens to. And we get into this trap when we neglect all the things we actually do, how we do them, and how they make us feel. When we have no connection to what we truly want and need. So, I’m gonna say this to myself and to you – STOP! JUST STOP! That stop, hopefully, will continue to pop into your head every time that you start to be negative with yourself and if it does and it annoys the hell out of you well then I have done my job here ladies and gentlemen you are welcome. Because I want someone to do that to me, I want someone to scream stop doing that. So, let’s help each other be kinder, observe what we want, what we need, where we’re at, and sit with it for a while.
So, take 3 days and really observe what you do, how you do it, and the feelings and sensations that start a stirring. Notice it with curiosity. Hmm, that’s how I mechanically do that task, I was never aware of that. Hmm, that’s what sensations come up when I do this, curious, I wonder why, but I don’t have to answer that right now, I’m just gonna experience this sensation or feeling and stay with it until it passes.
The next 3 days observe your child. Just watch them. When they are going bonkers, as long as they are not hurting themselves or hurting anyone else, just watch them without reacting. When they are having an emotional meltdown, instead of screaming for them to stop crying, you’re fine, or swooping them up to give hugs immediately, watch the meltdown. Again, set your timer if you need for like once every hour you’re gonna be with them as a reminder to be incredibly present. Stay off your phone, or any distractions during that time and just bear witness to your child being a child. Again, unless they are in danger of hurting you, themselves, or others don’t try to stop or change their behavior. Turn on your senses and pay attention to what they do, how they do it, and what are the feelings or sensations they are working to process. Make note of it mentally or literally write it down later. They are showing us what they need every moment of the day and studying us to see how we are going to respond to their wants and needs.
So, my friend, let me ask you again…
What sparks your curiosity? How can you help a person feel seen, heard, and understood? If we had all the time in the world to observe what our children were showing us they needed, what would we learn from them?
We have sooo much to learn from our kids. They are excellent teachers because they are the most curious of the curious. If we take a page from their book on curiosity, we’ll learn how to observe with as much detail as they do. That observation allows us to connect to a person’s wants and needs. Understanding at that deep level makes us feel seen and heard. How exciting to know we have little teachers in our own home that want us to success and will walk the path of Ultimate Curiosity with us if we’re ready for the journey.
What sparks your curiosity?
Curiosity leads to observing. Observation brings awareness. Being aware is the only way to change. The ability to change and evolve is how we grow. Growth is where our power lies. Curiosity is Power. I told you we’d circle back to it.
Part of preparing to be a parent (lol – peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers – the alliteration train has pulled into the station again, choo choo) …but, part of preparing to be a parent is to do our own observation of self. Being curious about how we’ll show up, what we believe, what we think, what are our strengths, and what are our habits and weaknesses and /or blind spots, humbles us and builds respect to be in relationship with this other human being.
A Short Story Before We Go
Where is she?
I knew she was around here somewhere. While she is spunky and daring, she’s not an idiot. She’s not reckless enough to run off by herself away from the group and do something dangerous. She likes the drama of me seeing the stupid shit she’s going to do and then me fighting with her to not do it. Now what she may and may not do with a group is a different story, but by herself she’s not that reckless.
Got her. Aww. She’s playing in the sand pit by herself. What a Kodak moment? That sun seeping through the tree leaves and washing her golden-brown curls in honey light is gorgeous. She’s gorgeous. Wow, we really made a great kid. I’ll just have to mentally snap this because I’d have to be using an insanely awesome and expensive camera to get a really great shot from here. And if I creep up any closer, she’ll totally see me. Cover blown.
I knew this would be a great experience for her. She needs to be running and playing and getting filthy. She needs to be around other kids. She doesn’t need to be in a classroom or following school rules or being made to sit at a desk. She needs to be out in nature and learning about her world through experience and exploration. Plus, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not ready to send her off by herself and she’s not ready for that either. This kid is not the ‘I’m going to sit down quietly and do as I’m told’ child. Unless it’s something she wants to do. Not a judgment about her or a jab at my parenting, that’s who she is.
She looks so happy. Thank goodness this tree is here. I can just take a peak and make sure she’s alright. [sing] “I always feel like somebody’s watching me” Is this creepy? I’m her mom. It’s the only way I can make sure she’s not in danger or causing danger to someone else without distracting her from her work or being roped into a game I don’t want to play.
Shit she spotted me. "Hey mom, come play with me!" "Coming." Man, and to think this morning she didn’t want to come to the garden. Now it looks like she doesn’t ever want to leave.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about curiosity and observation. If you’d like to do the exercise from today and you would prefer it all typed up pretty in a nice simple PDF page, I got ya covered there, too. Just click the link to get the free PDF. I would love to know what you get out of this exercise, if it’s of any benefit to you at all, my curiosity wants to know what sparks your curiosity so feel free to email me and share your experience.
Next episode we’ll look at our voice, both its power and weakness for an actor and a parent. Happy Thanksgiving to all those who will be celebrating next week. Whatever your beliefs and values take time to show gratitude for the people in your life that you’re in relationship with, for the Earth’s air to breathe, water to drink, and food to eat, and for your mortality – it’s not morbid to celebrate the fact that one day we will die, it’s freeing to celebrate our life right now and how we can make another person’s life better while we’re here.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to show your support, please spread a beautiful act of kindness by heading over to MFA Buy Me a Coffee page, I’mma buy you a drink, ooeeoo, and I’mma take you home with me. But no you cannot come home with me. You can buy me a drink to say ‘Salud, keep up the good work,’ and by sharing the show with at least one person so they can listen on their favorite listening app of choice.
One last thing before we go – here’s my audio hug to you so you can breath, reset, and kick some ass today (but don’t literally kick anyone’s ass, we talked about this at the top of the show, that’s called assault): here’s my special hug for you, to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight, go walk in grace and shine your light.
Thanks again and I’ll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.