MFA: THE PARENTING EDITION EPISODE 39 SHOW NOTES
https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/039
Episode title: Let’s Start at the Very Beginning, A Very Good Place to Start
Episode summary introduction: Today we'll start diving into our history. As an actor, part of the work of creating a role is to understand the history of the character (their backstory) and how it impacts the life they're living and the moments they're experiencing in the story being told. Their history dictates how they show up in the world of the play. Our history dictates how we show up in our world, in the role of parent. We'll explore why understanding our history – the history of how we were raised and its impact on how we parent our children, is so important.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much needed audio hug.
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Let’s talk about our feelings.
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
Puerto Rican mom’s are no joke. Types 1’s on the Enneagrams are the Dumbledore’s and Grindewald’s of the world – the fight is for the greater good.
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
Freebie: get the exercise from today’s episode here
Episode transcript: available at https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/039
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
-------------------------------------------------
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the parenting edition. I'm Taisha Cameron and I’ll be steering this ship for the next 20 odd minutes. Little known fact – I don’t know how to sail…so, this should be fun. I’m also a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky little kid, and I'm a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation, I made that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy, better than life as a full-time actor. We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the Method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
Quote: "Know thyself," an ancient Greek aphorism.
Episode 39 – Let’s Start at the Very Beginning, A Very Good Place to Start
Hello, hello, and welcome back to MFA the Parenting Edition. So here we are early November 2021. Halloween just passed, so did Dia de los Muertos, Hispanic heritage month is over. There are so many other celebrations that are over or like Diwali’s just starting, thanksgiving's coming up. We are really in holiday season. So, how are you celebrating this season? What did you do for Halloween? What are you doing for any holidays coming up? I don't know. I got lots of questions, so let me know. Or don't, that's fine. But trying to engage in a conversation here. Now onto other things like the show you're listening to, right now. Now, I'm sure you've noticed that there are two episodes available today. If you're listening on November 5th, when I've released them and if not, well, there's probably more episodes. Either way, I released two today and I was just super excited to kick off season three. And it'd been a long hiatus I'd been on since the end of season two that I thought I'd give you a little extra treat today. What can I say except, you're welcome. I'm really excited to be back podcasting again and connecting with you, if you haven't been able to tell. Today, we'll start diving into our history. I know we may have just met, but get comfortable because actors get intimate super quick. We'll explore why understanding our history, how we were raised and its impact on how we parent our children is so important. Before we jump into that, let's kick things off with the raise a glass series. Now you don't need to raise an actual glass unless you got one in hand. And if you do I say holla, let's do this.
The Raise a Glass series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton, the musical.
"Don't be shocked when your history book mentions me."
That might not be the case for everyone. Not all of us are going to make such an impact on history that our names will literally be listed among the most influential. However, we all make our mark in history with the choices we make and the legacy we leave. Our legacy is the way we impact the lives of others. For most of us in the world, that legacy is going to be measured by how we chose to show up for the people in our immediate lives, our families, our coworkers, employees, and employers, our community. For the majority of us, that's our reach. And it's a wider net than we may give credit.
How we raise our children and raise ourselves, as we become parents, impacts history.
Are we raising kind empathetic, resilient children with integrity who are self-directed in their learning and eager to make a positive contribution to the world?
Are we raising self-absorbed spoiled, entitled children who are manipulative and emotionally stunted in their growth, so they become a nagging drain on the mental health of the rest of society?
Are we raising compliant, nice, go with the flow, don't rock the boat, keep your head down and just do what you're told children who are encouraged to live a quiet, small, comfortable, and safe existence for their sake and the sake of others?
How much of our conditioning gets thrown onto our children to alter the way they grow into themselves in this world?
All our choices make an impact on at least the next few generations. Allowing our children space to learn about the world, question it independently, make their own conclusions, and grow into the person they were individually designed to be, is the best way we can guide them on their human journey. This way affords them the opportunity to create a positive impact on humanity and make their personal mark on history. Thus, leaving ours.
Let's raise a glass to going down in history for creating a legacy of integrity, kindness, resilience, empathy, compassion, authenticity, curiosity, creativity, and play. Our children will make their mark in history from the things we model. Let's model the good stuff.
Question. If we’re honest about the glorious, horrendous, and grotesque of our life, how would you describe the way you were raised? What nuggets of information do you have about the upbringing of your parents and grandparents? Why is it important to know this? If you were ready to face the truth of your past, how would it enlighten the choices you make as a parent today?
So you think you can parent.
Looking up the word parent, you get two forms of the word. A noun and a verb. As a noun, it means -one that begets or brings forth offspring, a person who brings up and cares for another, along with a few other definitions. As a verb, it means to be or act as the parents of, to be or act as a parent. To be or not to be. So many questions.
If we take a moment and just look at the verb form, how does one act like a parent? Everyone has different ideas of what it means to care for another human. So, what’s the right way to act?
When I was in college, my acting teachers would stress the importance of knowing your characters backstory. They would encourage us to write lengthy, fleshed out stories from our characters past in order to develop a fuller inner life for the role. Personal, political, physical, psychological, poetic, and philosophical. The 6 P’s a teacher called them. This guideline helps answer a lot of the key questions you would want to know about the role because it's the stuff you’d know about yourself. It also made it easier to sit down an write a fuller backstory around these P’s. It gives a structure of where to start and focus your energy because the idea of creating an entire history for a person can be a daunting task. I remember times I’d sit down to write a character’s backstory for a scene I was working on and just get stuck in writing about one event in their life or like, listing facts about who they were, but it never becoming a full fleshed out story of a human life.
We each have full stories breathing through our lungs and beating in our hearts. There are secrets we wouldn't even confess to a priest on our deathbed, there are lies we tell ourselves in order to get out of bed each morning, and there are joys we experienced that are so wonderful we would want to share them with even our worst enemy, they're that amazing.
As an actor, part of the work of creating a role is to understand the history of the character and how it impacts the life they're living and the moments they're experiencing in the story being told. Their history dictates how they show up in the world of the play. Our history dictates how we show up in our world, in the role of parent.
I'll put a link to these exercises in the show notes so you can sit down and really give it some more time later, but for right now, just follow along and see what pops into your head.
“Taking stock of what I have and what I haven't. What do I find?” MFA the Musical break!
“Got no diamonds, got no pearls, still I think I'm a lucky girl, I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.”
Okay, musical break over. Back to work kids.
This first exercise is to help you take stock of what ya got. To do that, look at how you were raised. Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. You heard me mention this was MFA the Musical right? Okay. Will there be more singing coming? You bet.
Our beginning is our childhood experience, which is unique for all of us. Think about how you were raised. What are fond memories? How did you view the world? Where did you feel safe? What did you love to do? If you had a strong relationship with your parent or caregiver what are the experiences or values you learned from them you want to pass on to your children? Why? Also, if you lacked stability or a strong relationship with a parent or caregiver, see if you can identify the cause and what you don’t want to pass on to our children.
We’ll shift a little bit here to imagine how your parents were raised. Now that's a big one. And this does not even require you to ask them about their upbringing, that might not even be possible for a wide variety of reasons. It just requires you to use your imagination, and whatever information you might know about their history, and create a plausible story as to why they made the choices they made when it came to being a parent. What are/or were their values? What time period did they grow up in? Where did they live? What was their relationship to their parents? See what other questions might come to mind.
Now, shifting back to you and your journey, examine the challenges you're facing as a parent right now. Like, what is the biggest conflict on your plate today? What is overwhelming and stressing the hell out of your life? Who are you in conflict with and why? If you could easily get what you need to fix your problems what would that look like? How many of these challenges or conflicts connect to the view of the world you developed from how you were raised?
It's always important when doing exercises like this to take care of yourself. If you need to talk to a professional or a trusted friend, do it. Things that feel like, ‘uhh yeah, I shouldn't touch that,’ listen to that voice and don't go there.
What’dya say, time for a break? That’s what I thought.
ANGELICA INTERLUDE
I look back at my childhood and see how wonderful it was and see how my experiences as a kid impacted the person I am today. There were traditions created, like the Cameron gingerbread house tradition. We don't actually make them with gingerbread, we use Graham crackers. So then I started calling them cookie houses or Christmas houses at some point, because I was tired of people being like, “oh, well that's not a gingerbread house if you're not using gingerbread.” It's the same fucking thing. So relaxed gingerbread purists. It's about the fun of celebrating the season. Anyway, where was I? Yes, traditions.
On my 10th birthday, I had a sleepover and at that sleepover with 10 of my girlfriends, there were a lot of us and my two little sisters, my mom must've found this in a Better Homes and Garden magazine or something. I'm not sure where, but our fun activity for the night was to make gingerbread houses out of Graham crackers, homemade royal icing, and all the candy you can get your hands on. That activity that started the night of my 10th birthday on a cold December, Friday night has turned into a 30-year Cameron family tradition. And I would like to say, that many people who have joined in the cookie house tradition throughout the years have said, it's one of the highlights of their holiday season. Yeah. Good stuff. But getting back to what I was talking about.
There were traditions created in our home. All our needs were met and many of our wants. We had a space in which our parents wanted to sit and talk with us to find out what was going on in our lives and what we were thinking. They also had very firm ideas about what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior; what they would tolerate from us and where they would draw the line. My parents both have strong personalities and ways of communicating that made me feel like I couldn't always speak my mind fully and be understood the way I felt they wanted to be understood when I was younger. And they also modeled how important it is to reflect, apologize, give space for another to share their experiences, and allow people to feel their feelings.
What I've come to realize as I've gotten older and learned more about their upbringing, is that a lot of what they made the conscious choice to create in our home, was not what was modeled to them growing up. With maybe the exception of my mom's dad, the rest of my grandparents were not sitting their kids down and wanting to know how they felt and have big discussions about their feelings, interests, and ideas on the world. That’s not an attack on their choices or character, that’s just the way it was.
No one was practicing conscious parenting the way it's presenting itself these days. My grandparents were all born in the late 1920s to early 1930s. They were in survival mode. There were mouths to feed, a home to keep, a job or two to work, racism to battle, language barriers to hurdle, and other personal concerns on their minds we'll never know. My parents have wonderful, beautiful memories and stories of their time growing up that they've shared with us. I also know the life I’ve lived growing up in the suburbs of Long Island and Maryland in the eighties and nineties is vastly different than the life they lived growing up in the inner city during the fifties and sixties.
All the choices I make as a parent, if I don't question them and explore what works for my family just the way my parents did when they had kids, will be automatic responses from my childhood upbringing.
So, I check in with my husband and we discuss what we want to hold, adapt, or let go of from the way we were brought up. We explore the ways we were raised and dissect them to better understand how we see the world and what indoctrination and domestication we want to break away from. We realize how fortunate and blessed we are to have come from the families we have. It's not the reality for all people. We also recognize that while we are fortunate to have the life we live, it is a choice we make to have the family relationship that we do. That it takes work. We make choices and take actions every day to build a life we want as a family. We tell Angelica all the time, we're a team and the choices we make affect the whole team.
So lovelies, I'll ask you again,
What’s your story? How were you raised? Why is it important to know this? And what can it teach us about how we raise our kids?
Taking time to examine the history of our upbringing, gives us the insight and clues into why we are the parents we are now, what we can change that doesn't serve the family we want to cultivate, and the space to heal wounds from our past.
We are an amalgamation of the lived experiences of those before us. Yes, we are unique with our own personalities, and we are part of a shared collective. This collective is all the people who made us who we are today. For many of us, that can be our family units, but not all of us came from homes or healthy homes. There are many people who grow up, not being in relationship with others in a genuine, caring, trusting, safe environment. What is important to remember is that as cruel and horrible as humans over the centuries have been to each other, we are meant to be social and community-based creatures. That at our core, we all have the desire to be in healthier relationships with others and in healthier relationship with ourselves. It takes a lot of fucking work.
I hope we can continue questioning and growing together because it's not just about us. It's about doing the right thing for the next few generations of humans.
A Short Story, Before We Go
Burnt flesh, the smell lingered in the air. Okay. So that sounds so dramatic. The smell probably wasn't that intense. I don't think he ended up in the hospital with third degree burns. Would he have been taken to the hospital? They were very poor. My imagination can only create these, 'what if,' images because none of the people who experienced this are alive now to talk about. But the story goes as told to me by my mom, that my great grandmother, Josephina, a tall commanding woman, burned her eldest son, Pablo's, hand over their stove when he came home with a nickel, or penny, he found in the street. ‘No child of mine will grow up to be a thief.’ Now you may be thinking, well, he found it in the street finders keepers, losers weepers. That was not her philosophy. It was the principle of the matter. He did not earn it. No one gifted it to him. Therefore, it wasn't his to take.
Recently, I got into studying the Enneagram. I read some books, but I also took the Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator test to figure out which personality type I’d fall under. Can I just tell you, holy shit. It's so me, it's actually a bit scary.
I am a 1. What the hell does that mean? Allow me to ‘splain.
Ones are the Dumbledors and Grindlewalls of the world. The fight is for the greater good. Conscientious and ethical. Strong sense of right and wrong. Crusaders. Advocates for change. Can be morally heroic. We're the ones that will either burn you at the stake for being a muggle or throw ourselves in front of a train to save the lives of many.
At my best, I can be a great guide to direct Angelica towards wisdom, integrity, balance, and the necessity to advocate for those who need a strong voice in their corner. At my worst, Angelica will fight against my demanding nature, my anger and aggression, my extreme thinking, my intolerance, my pessimism, and my intense need to keep things clean and organized because that maintains order and is the one thing that's in my control…so I think. I’m a work in progress, working towards my greatest good self. I'm not there yet. But. I'm on my way. I don't know where I'm going. I'm on my way. Taking my time, but I don't know where. So good-bye to Rosie, queen of Corona. Seein’ me and Julio down by the school yard, seein’ me and Julio down by the school yard. Okay.
So, while I might not be at the intensity of burning my hands child on a stove to teach them a lesson, I am aware that my personality type and generational conditioning can easily lead me down that road. What is super helpful for me, is that my parents did a lot of work to break cycles they felt were not healthy or conducive to the types of relationships they wanted to have with their kids. That modeling is my saving grace.
May I always stay aware of the relationship I want to have with my daughter and show up as a mama from that place of love.
That's all for today, guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about learning our history. Alright, I shared my enneagram with you so now it’s your turn to share. If you already know yours you can message me directly and if not I’ll leave a link in the show notes for the test I took and a free one in case you wanted to geek out and take one, too. I think it’s fun and informative to take different personality tests. The same way I think it’s fun and informative to take Harry Potter quizzes to sort your house…and by the way I’m a Ravenclaw. Next week we'll saddle on up to the practice of observation.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to show your support, please spread a beautiful act of kindness by sharing this with at least one person who you think would enjoy it and telling them they can find it wherever they listen to their podcasts. If you're interested in the exercises we did earlier and want to dive into them with a little more depth click the exercise link in the show notes.
One last thing before we go – here’s my audio hug to you so you can breath, reset, and kick some ass today (but don’t literally kick anyone’s ass, that is called assault): here’s my special hug for you, to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight, go walk in grace and shine your light.
Thanks again and I'll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.
https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/039
Episode title: Let’s Start at the Very Beginning, A Very Good Place to Start
Episode summary introduction: Today we'll start diving into our history. As an actor, part of the work of creating a role is to understand the history of the character (their backstory) and how it impacts the life they're living and the moments they're experiencing in the story being told. Their history dictates how they show up in the world of the play. Our history dictates how we show up in our world, in the role of parent. We'll explore why understanding our history – the history of how we were raised and its impact on how we parent our children, is so important.
We’ll kick off our show with The Raise a Glass Series, get on to our questions to explore, and end with A Short Story Before We Go. MFA is the sometimes-musical, dramedy, in 3 acts, 1 intermission, the length of a sitcom designed to give mama’s (and any caregiver) a break in the day to breathe and reset along with a much needed audio hug.
Act I: The Raise a Glass Series
- The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
- Today’s lyrics – “Don’t be shocked when your history book mentions me.”
- What’s your story?
- If we’re honest about the glorious, horrendous, and grotesque of our life, how would you describe the way you were raised?
- What nuggets of information do you have about the upbringing of your parents and grandparents? Why is it important to know this?
- If you were ready to face the truth of your past, how would it enlighten the choices you make as a parent today?
Intermission: Angelica Interlude
Let’s talk about our feelings.
Act III: A Short Story Before We Go
Puerto Rican mom’s are no joke. Types 1’s on the Enneagrams are the Dumbledore’s and Grindewald’s of the world – the fight is for the greater good.
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
- Tell one person you know you enjoyed this podcast and they should check it out
- If you're interested in the exercises and want to dive into them with a little more depth click the exercise link in the show notes
Freebie: get the exercise from today’s episode here
Episode transcript: available at https://www.mfaparentingedition.com/039
Sources that helped inspire this episode:
- Do Re Mi – Sound of Music movie
- Paul Simon - Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard (Official Video) - YouTube
- Know thyself - Wikipedia
- Parent | Definition of Parent by Merriam-Webster
- BETTY HUTTON I Got The Sun in The Morning 1950 - Bing video
- About the RHETI® — The Enneagram Institute (the test I took)
- The Enneagram Personality Test (truity.com) (free test – I think I actually took this particular test 4 or 5 years ago)
Connect with Me:
Best way - [email protected]
IG - @mfaparentingedition
Support the Show: buy me a drink to say “hey, keep up the good work”, just go to www.buymeacoffee.com/mfaparenting
-------------------------------------------------
FULL TRANSCRIPT:
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA the parenting edition. I'm Taisha Cameron and I’ll be steering this ship for the next 20 odd minutes. Little known fact – I don’t know how to sail…so, this should be fun. I’m also a mom to a feisty, fiery, fierce, flailing, finicky little kid, and I'm a trained actor. These lessons from the theater for raising ourselves and our kids came about after the life altering revelation, I made that my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy, better than life as a full-time actor. We'll explore some challenging questions, I'll share some stories, and we'll kick things off with the Raise a Glass series. From the Method to mommy meltdowns and all the moments in between, welcome to MFA.
Quote: "Know thyself," an ancient Greek aphorism.
Episode 39 – Let’s Start at the Very Beginning, A Very Good Place to Start
Hello, hello, and welcome back to MFA the Parenting Edition. So here we are early November 2021. Halloween just passed, so did Dia de los Muertos, Hispanic heritage month is over. There are so many other celebrations that are over or like Diwali’s just starting, thanksgiving's coming up. We are really in holiday season. So, how are you celebrating this season? What did you do for Halloween? What are you doing for any holidays coming up? I don't know. I got lots of questions, so let me know. Or don't, that's fine. But trying to engage in a conversation here. Now onto other things like the show you're listening to, right now. Now, I'm sure you've noticed that there are two episodes available today. If you're listening on November 5th, when I've released them and if not, well, there's probably more episodes. Either way, I released two today and I was just super excited to kick off season three. And it'd been a long hiatus I'd been on since the end of season two that I thought I'd give you a little extra treat today. What can I say except, you're welcome. I'm really excited to be back podcasting again and connecting with you, if you haven't been able to tell. Today, we'll start diving into our history. I know we may have just met, but get comfortable because actors get intimate super quick. We'll explore why understanding our history, how we were raised and its impact on how we parent our children is so important. Before we jump into that, let's kick things off with the raise a glass series. Now you don't need to raise an actual glass unless you got one in hand. And if you do I say holla, let's do this.
The Raise a Glass series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton, the musical.
"Don't be shocked when your history book mentions me."
That might not be the case for everyone. Not all of us are going to make such an impact on history that our names will literally be listed among the most influential. However, we all make our mark in history with the choices we make and the legacy we leave. Our legacy is the way we impact the lives of others. For most of us in the world, that legacy is going to be measured by how we chose to show up for the people in our immediate lives, our families, our coworkers, employees, and employers, our community. For the majority of us, that's our reach. And it's a wider net than we may give credit.
How we raise our children and raise ourselves, as we become parents, impacts history.
Are we raising kind empathetic, resilient children with integrity who are self-directed in their learning and eager to make a positive contribution to the world?
Are we raising self-absorbed spoiled, entitled children who are manipulative and emotionally stunted in their growth, so they become a nagging drain on the mental health of the rest of society?
Are we raising compliant, nice, go with the flow, don't rock the boat, keep your head down and just do what you're told children who are encouraged to live a quiet, small, comfortable, and safe existence for their sake and the sake of others?
How much of our conditioning gets thrown onto our children to alter the way they grow into themselves in this world?
All our choices make an impact on at least the next few generations. Allowing our children space to learn about the world, question it independently, make their own conclusions, and grow into the person they were individually designed to be, is the best way we can guide them on their human journey. This way affords them the opportunity to create a positive impact on humanity and make their personal mark on history. Thus, leaving ours.
Let's raise a glass to going down in history for creating a legacy of integrity, kindness, resilience, empathy, compassion, authenticity, curiosity, creativity, and play. Our children will make their mark in history from the things we model. Let's model the good stuff.
Question. If we’re honest about the glorious, horrendous, and grotesque of our life, how would you describe the way you were raised? What nuggets of information do you have about the upbringing of your parents and grandparents? Why is it important to know this? If you were ready to face the truth of your past, how would it enlighten the choices you make as a parent today?
So you think you can parent.
Looking up the word parent, you get two forms of the word. A noun and a verb. As a noun, it means -one that begets or brings forth offspring, a person who brings up and cares for another, along with a few other definitions. As a verb, it means to be or act as the parents of, to be or act as a parent. To be or not to be. So many questions.
If we take a moment and just look at the verb form, how does one act like a parent? Everyone has different ideas of what it means to care for another human. So, what’s the right way to act?
When I was in college, my acting teachers would stress the importance of knowing your characters backstory. They would encourage us to write lengthy, fleshed out stories from our characters past in order to develop a fuller inner life for the role. Personal, political, physical, psychological, poetic, and philosophical. The 6 P’s a teacher called them. This guideline helps answer a lot of the key questions you would want to know about the role because it's the stuff you’d know about yourself. It also made it easier to sit down an write a fuller backstory around these P’s. It gives a structure of where to start and focus your energy because the idea of creating an entire history for a person can be a daunting task. I remember times I’d sit down to write a character’s backstory for a scene I was working on and just get stuck in writing about one event in their life or like, listing facts about who they were, but it never becoming a full fleshed out story of a human life.
We each have full stories breathing through our lungs and beating in our hearts. There are secrets we wouldn't even confess to a priest on our deathbed, there are lies we tell ourselves in order to get out of bed each morning, and there are joys we experienced that are so wonderful we would want to share them with even our worst enemy, they're that amazing.
As an actor, part of the work of creating a role is to understand the history of the character and how it impacts the life they're living and the moments they're experiencing in the story being told. Their history dictates how they show up in the world of the play. Our history dictates how we show up in our world, in the role of parent.
I'll put a link to these exercises in the show notes so you can sit down and really give it some more time later, but for right now, just follow along and see what pops into your head.
“Taking stock of what I have and what I haven't. What do I find?” MFA the Musical break!
“Got no diamonds, got no pearls, still I think I'm a lucky girl, I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.”
Okay, musical break over. Back to work kids.
This first exercise is to help you take stock of what ya got. To do that, look at how you were raised. Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. You heard me mention this was MFA the Musical right? Okay. Will there be more singing coming? You bet.
Our beginning is our childhood experience, which is unique for all of us. Think about how you were raised. What are fond memories? How did you view the world? Where did you feel safe? What did you love to do? If you had a strong relationship with your parent or caregiver what are the experiences or values you learned from them you want to pass on to your children? Why? Also, if you lacked stability or a strong relationship with a parent or caregiver, see if you can identify the cause and what you don’t want to pass on to our children.
We’ll shift a little bit here to imagine how your parents were raised. Now that's a big one. And this does not even require you to ask them about their upbringing, that might not even be possible for a wide variety of reasons. It just requires you to use your imagination, and whatever information you might know about their history, and create a plausible story as to why they made the choices they made when it came to being a parent. What are/or were their values? What time period did they grow up in? Where did they live? What was their relationship to their parents? See what other questions might come to mind.
Now, shifting back to you and your journey, examine the challenges you're facing as a parent right now. Like, what is the biggest conflict on your plate today? What is overwhelming and stressing the hell out of your life? Who are you in conflict with and why? If you could easily get what you need to fix your problems what would that look like? How many of these challenges or conflicts connect to the view of the world you developed from how you were raised?
It's always important when doing exercises like this to take care of yourself. If you need to talk to a professional or a trusted friend, do it. Things that feel like, ‘uhh yeah, I shouldn't touch that,’ listen to that voice and don't go there.
What’dya say, time for a break? That’s what I thought.
ANGELICA INTERLUDE
I look back at my childhood and see how wonderful it was and see how my experiences as a kid impacted the person I am today. There were traditions created, like the Cameron gingerbread house tradition. We don't actually make them with gingerbread, we use Graham crackers. So then I started calling them cookie houses or Christmas houses at some point, because I was tired of people being like, “oh, well that's not a gingerbread house if you're not using gingerbread.” It's the same fucking thing. So relaxed gingerbread purists. It's about the fun of celebrating the season. Anyway, where was I? Yes, traditions.
On my 10th birthday, I had a sleepover and at that sleepover with 10 of my girlfriends, there were a lot of us and my two little sisters, my mom must've found this in a Better Homes and Garden magazine or something. I'm not sure where, but our fun activity for the night was to make gingerbread houses out of Graham crackers, homemade royal icing, and all the candy you can get your hands on. That activity that started the night of my 10th birthday on a cold December, Friday night has turned into a 30-year Cameron family tradition. And I would like to say, that many people who have joined in the cookie house tradition throughout the years have said, it's one of the highlights of their holiday season. Yeah. Good stuff. But getting back to what I was talking about.
There were traditions created in our home. All our needs were met and many of our wants. We had a space in which our parents wanted to sit and talk with us to find out what was going on in our lives and what we were thinking. They also had very firm ideas about what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior; what they would tolerate from us and where they would draw the line. My parents both have strong personalities and ways of communicating that made me feel like I couldn't always speak my mind fully and be understood the way I felt they wanted to be understood when I was younger. And they also modeled how important it is to reflect, apologize, give space for another to share their experiences, and allow people to feel their feelings.
What I've come to realize as I've gotten older and learned more about their upbringing, is that a lot of what they made the conscious choice to create in our home, was not what was modeled to them growing up. With maybe the exception of my mom's dad, the rest of my grandparents were not sitting their kids down and wanting to know how they felt and have big discussions about their feelings, interests, and ideas on the world. That’s not an attack on their choices or character, that’s just the way it was.
No one was practicing conscious parenting the way it's presenting itself these days. My grandparents were all born in the late 1920s to early 1930s. They were in survival mode. There were mouths to feed, a home to keep, a job or two to work, racism to battle, language barriers to hurdle, and other personal concerns on their minds we'll never know. My parents have wonderful, beautiful memories and stories of their time growing up that they've shared with us. I also know the life I’ve lived growing up in the suburbs of Long Island and Maryland in the eighties and nineties is vastly different than the life they lived growing up in the inner city during the fifties and sixties.
All the choices I make as a parent, if I don't question them and explore what works for my family just the way my parents did when they had kids, will be automatic responses from my childhood upbringing.
So, I check in with my husband and we discuss what we want to hold, adapt, or let go of from the way we were brought up. We explore the ways we were raised and dissect them to better understand how we see the world and what indoctrination and domestication we want to break away from. We realize how fortunate and blessed we are to have come from the families we have. It's not the reality for all people. We also recognize that while we are fortunate to have the life we live, it is a choice we make to have the family relationship that we do. That it takes work. We make choices and take actions every day to build a life we want as a family. We tell Angelica all the time, we're a team and the choices we make affect the whole team.
So lovelies, I'll ask you again,
What’s your story? How were you raised? Why is it important to know this? And what can it teach us about how we raise our kids?
Taking time to examine the history of our upbringing, gives us the insight and clues into why we are the parents we are now, what we can change that doesn't serve the family we want to cultivate, and the space to heal wounds from our past.
We are an amalgamation of the lived experiences of those before us. Yes, we are unique with our own personalities, and we are part of a shared collective. This collective is all the people who made us who we are today. For many of us, that can be our family units, but not all of us came from homes or healthy homes. There are many people who grow up, not being in relationship with others in a genuine, caring, trusting, safe environment. What is important to remember is that as cruel and horrible as humans over the centuries have been to each other, we are meant to be social and community-based creatures. That at our core, we all have the desire to be in healthier relationships with others and in healthier relationship with ourselves. It takes a lot of fucking work.
I hope we can continue questioning and growing together because it's not just about us. It's about doing the right thing for the next few generations of humans.
A Short Story, Before We Go
Burnt flesh, the smell lingered in the air. Okay. So that sounds so dramatic. The smell probably wasn't that intense. I don't think he ended up in the hospital with third degree burns. Would he have been taken to the hospital? They were very poor. My imagination can only create these, 'what if,' images because none of the people who experienced this are alive now to talk about. But the story goes as told to me by my mom, that my great grandmother, Josephina, a tall commanding woman, burned her eldest son, Pablo's, hand over their stove when he came home with a nickel, or penny, he found in the street. ‘No child of mine will grow up to be a thief.’ Now you may be thinking, well, he found it in the street finders keepers, losers weepers. That was not her philosophy. It was the principle of the matter. He did not earn it. No one gifted it to him. Therefore, it wasn't his to take.
Recently, I got into studying the Enneagram. I read some books, but I also took the Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator test to figure out which personality type I’d fall under. Can I just tell you, holy shit. It's so me, it's actually a bit scary.
I am a 1. What the hell does that mean? Allow me to ‘splain.
Ones are the Dumbledors and Grindlewalls of the world. The fight is for the greater good. Conscientious and ethical. Strong sense of right and wrong. Crusaders. Advocates for change. Can be morally heroic. We're the ones that will either burn you at the stake for being a muggle or throw ourselves in front of a train to save the lives of many.
At my best, I can be a great guide to direct Angelica towards wisdom, integrity, balance, and the necessity to advocate for those who need a strong voice in their corner. At my worst, Angelica will fight against my demanding nature, my anger and aggression, my extreme thinking, my intolerance, my pessimism, and my intense need to keep things clean and organized because that maintains order and is the one thing that's in my control…so I think. I’m a work in progress, working towards my greatest good self. I'm not there yet. But. I'm on my way. I don't know where I'm going. I'm on my way. Taking my time, but I don't know where. So good-bye to Rosie, queen of Corona. Seein’ me and Julio down by the school yard, seein’ me and Julio down by the school yard. Okay.
So, while I might not be at the intensity of burning my hands child on a stove to teach them a lesson, I am aware that my personality type and generational conditioning can easily lead me down that road. What is super helpful for me, is that my parents did a lot of work to break cycles they felt were not healthy or conducive to the types of relationships they wanted to have with their kids. That modeling is my saving grace.
May I always stay aware of the relationship I want to have with my daughter and show up as a mama from that place of love.
That's all for today, guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode about learning our history. Alright, I shared my enneagram with you so now it’s your turn to share. If you already know yours you can message me directly and if not I’ll leave a link in the show notes for the test I took and a free one in case you wanted to geek out and take one, too. I think it’s fun and informative to take different personality tests. The same way I think it’s fun and informative to take Harry Potter quizzes to sort your house…and by the way I’m a Ravenclaw. Next week we'll saddle on up to the practice of observation.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to show your support, please spread a beautiful act of kindness by sharing this with at least one person who you think would enjoy it and telling them they can find it wherever they listen to their podcasts. If you're interested in the exercises we did earlier and want to dive into them with a little more depth click the exercise link in the show notes.
One last thing before we go – here’s my audio hug to you so you can breath, reset, and kick some ass today (but don’t literally kick anyone’s ass, that is called assault): here’s my special hug for you, to paint your spirit a brighter hue, so catch this hug and hold it tight, go walk in grace and shine your light.
Thanks again and I'll see you on the other side.
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.