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MFA: THE PARENTING EDITION EPISODE 10 SHOW NOTES
Episode title: Expecto Patronum
Episode summary: What is emotional memory? Do our memories and our feelings surrounding them shape the story of who we are? How emotionally available are we? Do we allow ourselves to grieve, enjoy bliss, sit in uncertainty, and all the other beautiful and uncomfortable feelings that come with being alive? Do we give our kids space to feel their feelings and honor their process of emotional growth? What is emotional intelligence and how do we develop it within ourselves so we can nurture it in our children?
Previously on MFA
A Quick History of Emotional Memory
The Emotional Memory Exercise
Angelica Interlude
Emotional Intelligence
A Short Story Before We Go:
The Raise a Glass Series:
Episode transcript: See full transcript below.
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
Sources that inspired this episode or random tidbits of knowledge:
-------------
Full Transcript
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA: The Parenting Edition, I’m Taisha Cameron. These lessons from the theatre for raising ourselves and our kids came about when I realized my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor. Today’s episode is part six in our 7-part series on the Method and we’ll be exploring the emotional memory exercise, finally. We’ll explore some challenging questions, I’ll share some stories, and then we’ll end our episode with the Raise a Glass Series. So, without further ado, this is MFA.
Previously on MFA: The Parenting Edition
We delved into the animal exercise and learned its benefit as an acting tool. We examined the animalistic character of Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire. We met a character named Joey, who came out of my animal exercise. We contemplated the story our body language tells the world about who we are. We framed the animal exercise into a fun imaginative game for the whole family.
Now you’re all caught up…of course if all of that meant nothing to you, you should probably go back and listen to episode nine.
Ok, so just a quick heads up this episode, it’s gonna be a little more actory at the beginning but it is all gonna tie together and get to the parent part so…just stick with me!
Quote: “Expecto Patronum!” ~ Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Episode Ten – Emotional Memory
Opening Questions:
Question – What is emotional memory? Do our memories and our feelings surrounding them shape the story of who we are? How emotionally available are we? Do we allow ourselves to grieve, enjoy bliss, sit in uncertainty, and all the other beautiful and uncomfortable feelings that come with being alive? Do we give our kids space to feel their feelings and honor their process of emotional growth? What is emotional intelligence and how do we develop it within ourselves so we can nurture it in our children?
Marilyn Monroe, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman, Sidney Poitier, Jane Fonda, Miriam Colon, Jack Nicholson, Sally Fields, and the list goes on and on of those actors who have stolen our hearts and enlivened our souls doing that thing called ‘method acting.’
A Quick History of Emotional Memory
The term affective memory was first coined by French psychologist, oh and I’m probably gonna butcher this but let me give it a go, by French psychologist Theodule-Armand Ribot in the 1890’s. Affective meaning emotional; expressing emotions. We then see in the teachings of Stanislavsky, his use of emotion memory influenced by the work of Ribot. It’s the process of recalling an event from your feeling of the experience and using that response to aide the actor in living through a role. Towards the end of his career Stanislavsky abandoned the emotion memory work for further focus on sensory work & physical actions. Stanislavsky understood our emotional responses could not be forced but was never able to create a system for stimulating them. Strasberg, having studied this system when he trained at the Laboratory Theatre, took the exercise and structured it in such a way that the actor not only has the ability to stimulate the emotion from a memory, but can repeat the process and emotional response when needed. One of the criticisms against the exercise, was the idea this work amounted to nothing more than “amateur psychiatry.” The legendary actress and teacher Ms. Stella Adler herself, who knew Strasberg from working with him and the Group Theatre, despised this work. She actually met and trained with Stanislavsky in Paris and told him point blank, “Mr. Stanislavsky, I loved the theatre until you came along, and now I hate it!” During Strasberg’s years as Artistic Director of The Actor’s Studio, home of ‘method acting,’ he continued to explore and develop the power of affective memory and improvisation in his teachings.
The following is a passage from Lee Strasberg’s book “A Dream of Passion: The Development of the Method” he says:
“The actor’s instrument, however, is himself; he works with the same emotional areas which he actually uses in real life…. The actor is both the artist and the instrument – in other words, the violinist and the violin…The Method, therefore, is the procedure by which the actor can open control of his instrument, that is, the procedure by which the actor an use his affective memory to create a reality on stage.”
Quick side note: In acting, the terms affective memory and emotional memory are used interchangeably, however, both Stanislavsky and Strasberg refer to them in their writings predominately as emotion or emotional memory, so that’s what we’ll call it.
The Emotional Memory Exercise
This is the big mystery and intrigue of the Method. It’s the term many people are familiar with that gives this form of acting so much reverence and criticism. The emotional memory exercise is designed to access a significant emotional moment in your past to illicit an emotional response that can then be used to connect with a character’s reality and circumstances within the play. In essence, dredge up shit from your past that might connect to what the character is experiencing. To accomplish this, the actor sits in an armless chair and moves through their relaxation work, ya know, the stuff we started doing at the beginning of this series with the cup. They move through their relaxation work, they then begin doing sensory work on the moments leading up to the memories event. They continue their relaxation and sensory work, delving further into the memory, until the point an emotional response emerges. At this point, you’re done. All you really need to know is how to get in and out of it unscathed and you’re good to go. Now, when you begin studying this it’s important to work with an instructor who knows what the hell they’re doing, who can guide you into through and out of this exercise successfully. After that you can pretty much, like with the sensory work, do it solo.
Not many of us want to sit around reliving some of our most awkward, uncomfortable or painful moments. Yet we do. When we get trapped in our heads replaying situations and events that have transpired in our lives, like a record on loop, we are actively engaged in the process of delving into our emotional memory. Because what happens when we bring up these memories? We trigger the same anger or fear. Our breathing may accelerate or become shallow. We stimulate the sensations in our body that were active when we first experienced the event. That’s the goal of emotional memory work.
One of the requirements of the emotional memory exercise is that the event must be from at least seven years prior. The idea is that if it’s recalled from that far back and still brings a strong emotional response, then it’s a richer tool to use. I also feel it gives space and enough distance that you’ve dealt with the emotions connected to that memory. That’s not always true because all of us have different levels of emotional intelligence (we’ll get into that later). But in general, if you think about it, when you recall an emotionally heightened moment from your past, like way back past, and it still stirs your guts, it’s fucking powerful. It is your choice what memories to explore and which ones should be left alone, and some memories should be left alone. It’s also important to remember that it’s not a requirement for the exercise to use a tragic moment from our past – you can use one of the happiest moments in your life.
Like Harry conjuring his Patronus!
Harry Potter: "And how do you conjure it?"
Remus Lupin: "With an incantation, which will work only if you are concentrating, with all your might, on a single, very happy memory."
That was a terrible Harry Potter and Remus Lupin but…stick with me.
To expel a dementor you must use a powerful happy memory to produce a Patronus. When Harry found that moment it filled him to the point uttering the words “Expecto Patronum” created his stag Patronus. The story Harry used was powerful, that’s why it worked. He had to access it with enough detail through relaxation and concentration to ignite the power of that emotion. That’s how the emotional memory exercise works. Mr. Harry Potter did some ‘method acting’ up in Hogwarts!
Our lives are full of emotional memories we store away. An actor just happens to be someone who’s willing to unlock those moments and share the essence of the experiences with us to touch our souls. Strasberg sums up the exercise by stating, “in being able to recreate it and express it, the actress develops the ability to control the expression of her emotions on stage.” And as parents, being able to control the expression of our emotions is one of the most daunting tasks we face. Even harder, is learning to let go of a need to control our children’s expression of their emotions. In “A Dream of Passion” there is a quote I connected, as a mom, so viscerally, it says:
“It is important to differentiate between those actors who are inhibited from feeling emotion and those who experience very deeply and intensely, but have been brought up in an environment that did not encourage and develop their capacity to express this intensity.”
Earlier, I brought up emotional intelligence, we’ll get to that, after this.
*Angelica Interlude
Ok –
I crying mom.
You were crying?
Yeah.
Why were you crying?
Because I really needed you back.
You really needed me back?
Mmhmm.
Why did mommy leave in the first place?
Umm, because I was crying like this – (fake cries)
Mommy didn’t leave because you were crying.
I just cry.
Why did mommy leave the room and make you cry?
Because, I really needed you back.
Well, I’m here now.
Oh, hello mom.
Well, hello angelica. We ready to brush our teeth?
Yeah!
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically; basically, to be good at handling the emotions of others too. Each of us has this built in, to varying degrees, but it’s also something that can be taught and developed if we are lacking in this skill, and let’s face it when you look at the state of the world, most of us are lacking in this department.
Now, I’m trained as an actor, I know emotions, I can name them, feel them, sense them in others and I know emotional meltdowns, I know they’re fine, even healthy; I experience them on the reg. Why do I have such a difficult time allowing my daughter to express her emotions without it sending me into my own emotional crisis? If ever there was a safe time to be allowed to express your intense feelings, it’s when you’re a kid in the safety of your own home. The only way I can teach my daughter feelings are fleeting, to not identify as her feelings or hold them as some belief of who she is, is to let her have her meltdowns and tantrums completely. And all I need to do is the same thing I did in my acting classes when others were going through their own emotional work – observe with my full attention and leave them the hell alone. They were fine. They were doing hard work. Handling your emotions is hard work. I never thought of going up to a fellow actor while they were in the middle of an emotional episode to try and comfort, console, distract, deflect, scold, scorn, punish, ridicule, negotiate with or pacify them. Because they had to go through the work, to learn from it and grow. My job was to sit and hold space for them through their journey.
My presence lets my daughter know she’s safe and that mommy’s not scared of her feelings nor should she be. I don’t have to make her stop crying or make her feel bad for vocalizing her anger. I get fucking pissed when someone wants me to adjust my emotional state because they can’t or are choosing to not want to deal with it; and I’m a grown ass adult, why am I surprised when a child responds with the same indignation? I don’t have to let her tantrum drag me into the pit of despair. If I allow my child to push me over the Cliffs of Insanity (and they are fully capable of such a feat, do not underestimate them my friend, for the love of God do not) well, then I have failed her. She deserves so much better than that.
So, going back to an idea I touched on in like the very first episode, if my daughter is my scene partner, then I must always keep my objective in mind when choosing how to respond to what my partner gives me. And that’s insanely difficult. Finding a way to click into a state of relaxation, keeping my concentration and attention on her, allows me the space to choose the action that, in this particular moment, gets us closer to the over arcing objective of our story. That is parenting from a place of emotional intelligence. If we can find a way to model that to our kids, they will utilize this skill in every situation and relationship they experience throughout their life. What a world that would be, huh?!!!
So lovelies, I’ll ask you again
Do our memories and our feelings surrounding them shape the story of who we are?
Do we give our kids space to feel their feelings and honor their process of their emotional growth?
What is emotional intelligence and how do we develop it within ourselves so we can nurture it in our children?
I’ve probably said this twice already on this podcast, everything we encounter leaves an imprint on us. The memory of every sensation we’ve experienced resides in our body. The memory of every emotion we’ve felt lives in our soul. We create our identity from our life events and our emotional interpretation of those events. The ability to grow and evolve in our thinking, beliefs and emotional availability is part of what makes us different from other animals. We are ever changing. Our emotional life fluctuates, our memories distort over time, our bodies develop and then decline. Developing our emotional intelligence allows us the space to ride these changes from a place of acceptance and compassion. Each day I wake up with the intention of being the rock Angelica needs, which means my intention, also, has to be on my own self-awareness and self-regulation. I want her to grow up knowing she’s safe in her home to express her intense feelings and they were welcomed, accepted, understood, challenged, and respected. If we can succeed in that, well, then we win at parenthood.
A Short Story Before We Go
Memory of an Emotional Memory
‘Next.’
I moved up in the line as another student took their place in the black armless bucket chair in the center of the studio. This exercise doesn’t normally occur procession-style, but our teacher was being as creative as possible to get us up to speed on certain method skills we were at this point in our training…lacking. Not because we needed anything like remedial method work, we just hadn’t collectively gotten off on the right foot first semester with our former teacher. My words to the administration, when called in for questioning, were, “I’m not here to get anyone fired and I’m not here to attack anyone in my class, I’m here to tell you the environment is toxic and I cannot see how we can continue another semester like this.” Ahhh, first year grad school - it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
I remember dreading and feeling excitement about this exercise; I think a lot of us did. Looking back, I feel like this marked a moment we referred to as the emotional masturbation phase of the process. It’s like this, I wanted every acting class to be a cathartic experience of ripping my guts open in front of everyone and languishing in the blood I spilt and being told I was very brave for doing it. This is why actors get a bad rap.
‘Next.’
Seven more people in front of me. I watched a girl with long dark hair take the seat and begin her relaxation work. Instead of a few classes dedicated to each of us taking our time to explore our memories, working into and through, sitting with and working out of each sensation that pulsed through us, we attacked it like pulling off a band-aid, boom and done.
‘Next.’
Three more people. My stomach was full of knots and were making me queasy. There was a level of anticipation at the huge release I’d feel and how powerful my experience would be. I am a highly emotional person, and it takes very little to make me cry; I am the person advertising and marketing pro’s make commercials with babies, dogs and Kleenex for – they get me every time. It would take me the entirety of my training to not just understand the manipulative nature and bland color chronic tears can bring to a role but be able to make different choices spurred by other emotions.
‘Next.’
One more person. I did a last-minute check through my memory while also trying to focus on the person working so I wasn’t ‘anticipating’ (that’s a big acting no-no). Some actors experienced a huge emotional release and others didn’t. What would happen once I sat in that chair? Mentally, I was reminding myself it didn’t matter what happened because this was just a short exploration for us all to learn how to get in and out of the exercise on our own. I just wanted –
‘Next.’
As I crossed downstage, or down studio, to the black chair I kept my nervous energy focused on my breath. I sat and looked directly at my teacher with an anxious face. Like with every other student, she told me to begin my relaxation. I shook out tension, made ‘ahh’ sounds with my neck rolls and arched through my back before settling down in my seat. She asked me to begin describing the room I was in. She encouraged me to work sensorily through the room, slowly, leading up to the moment the event occurred. I feel like I was getting close to the event and there was definitely something that was shifting in me, some emotion or sensation traveling through my body in a way I couldn’t quite be sure of and then…she was bringing me back to the room. Telling me to open my eyes and take a breath. And then –
‘Next.’
Well, my affective memory experience did not give me the…emotional release I was looking for. And there in lied the problem – I was expecting a specific result. I was a new student who wanted to get all the answers and experiences my first go and that’s not how acting works – that’s not how life works! Ok, so yeah, did I feel cheated out of an experience I anticipated having? Maybe, at the time a little. But a decade later reflecting on it, doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
Raise A Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“I was twelve when my mother died, she was holding me, we were sick and she was holding me, I couldn’t seem to die.”
What a devastating emotional memory. That is one of the many that seemed to fuel Alexander Hamilton to write his way out. To hear him relive this emotional memory in the middle of Hurricane, acts as some of his justification for then writing The Reynolds Pamphlet. This pamphlet clears his name of any treasury misconduct but destroys his image and relationship with his wife and family. Being fueled with devastating emotional memories and a lack of emotional intelligence is a recipe for a life of destructive behavior. The Reynolds Pamphlet wasn’t to protect his family and those he cherished, it was to save his ass, his career after being caught in a scandal. When we live honorably, we choose actions that bring us peace and bring about the well being of others. We operate from a place of self-awareness and self-regulation, respect and empathy; operating from a high level of emotional intelligence.
Let’s raise a glass to developing our emotional intelligence. When we can all do that, we can change the world.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me again for another episode. As always, I hope this brings some joy into your day so your light can shine brighter.
Next week we’ll take our final exploration into Lee Strasberg’s Method, with the final episode in the Method series and it’s both a recap of what we’ve explored and a part two to the Song & Dance episode. For more nerdy theatre links feel free to check out the link on the MFA website, which is in the show notes below.
Also, if you are on Instagram so am I. You can find me @mfaparentingedition and give me a follow.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to show your support please spread a beautiful act of kindness by rating it if your listening on Apple podcasts and leaving a kind review if you feel so inclined, and telling at least one person about the show and that they can find it wherever they listen to their podcasts. And always, thank you to those who have rated the show and left a beautiful review – I appreciate you.
Again, thank you and I’ll see you on the other side
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.
Episode title: Expecto Patronum
Episode summary: What is emotional memory? Do our memories and our feelings surrounding them shape the story of who we are? How emotionally available are we? Do we allow ourselves to grieve, enjoy bliss, sit in uncertainty, and all the other beautiful and uncomfortable feelings that come with being alive? Do we give our kids space to feel their feelings and honor their process of emotional growth? What is emotional intelligence and how do we develop it within ourselves so we can nurture it in our children?
Previously on MFA
- Recap of episode 9 (listen here)
A Quick History of Emotional Memory
- Affective memory, a psychological term coined by French psychologist Theodule-Armand Ribot
- Stanislavsky develops then abandons emotion memory as part of his system
- Strasberg creates method for stimulating emotional memory
The Emotional Memory Exercise
Angelica Interlude
- I cried like this
Emotional Intelligence
A Short Story Before We Go:
- My emotional memory exercise
The Raise a Glass Series:
- The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
- Today’s lyrics – “I was twelve when my mother died, she was holding me, we were sick and she was holding me, I couldn’t seem to die ~ Alexander Hamilton
Episode transcript: See full transcript below.
Spread a Beautiful Act of Kindness:
- Rate the podcast (and leave a kind review if you feel so inclined)
- Tell one person you know you enjoyed this podcast and they should check it out
Sources that inspired this episode or random tidbits of knowledge:
- “Emotional Memories” article Psychology Today
- “The Dangers of Affective Memory” The title is more ominous then what’s in the article
- Stanislavsky info
- “Emotional Intelligence” article Healthline.com
- Stella Adler’s teachings
- IMDB’s list of extreme method actors
- What is Method Acting? Lee Strasberg Theatre & Film Institute
- The Actor’s Studio (home of the method)
- The Reynold’s Pamphlet
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Full Transcript
Mom: Angelica, can you say hello?
Angelica: Hello! Hello?
Mom: How are you today?
Angelica: I doing well…how are you?
Mom: Well I’m doing well also. (she laughs)
Welcome to MFA: The Parenting Edition, I’m Taisha Cameron. These lessons from the theatre for raising ourselves and our kids came about when I realized my MFA in acting trained me for life as a mommy better than life as a full-time actor. Today’s episode is part six in our 7-part series on the Method and we’ll be exploring the emotional memory exercise, finally. We’ll explore some challenging questions, I’ll share some stories, and then we’ll end our episode with the Raise a Glass Series. So, without further ado, this is MFA.
Previously on MFA: The Parenting Edition
We delved into the animal exercise and learned its benefit as an acting tool. We examined the animalistic character of Stanley Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire. We met a character named Joey, who came out of my animal exercise. We contemplated the story our body language tells the world about who we are. We framed the animal exercise into a fun imaginative game for the whole family.
Now you’re all caught up…of course if all of that meant nothing to you, you should probably go back and listen to episode nine.
Ok, so just a quick heads up this episode, it’s gonna be a little more actory at the beginning but it is all gonna tie together and get to the parent part so…just stick with me!
Quote: “Expecto Patronum!” ~ Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Episode Ten – Emotional Memory
Opening Questions:
Question – What is emotional memory? Do our memories and our feelings surrounding them shape the story of who we are? How emotionally available are we? Do we allow ourselves to grieve, enjoy bliss, sit in uncertainty, and all the other beautiful and uncomfortable feelings that come with being alive? Do we give our kids space to feel their feelings and honor their process of emotional growth? What is emotional intelligence and how do we develop it within ourselves so we can nurture it in our children?
Marilyn Monroe, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, Joanne Woodward, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman, Sidney Poitier, Jane Fonda, Miriam Colon, Jack Nicholson, Sally Fields, and the list goes on and on of those actors who have stolen our hearts and enlivened our souls doing that thing called ‘method acting.’
A Quick History of Emotional Memory
The term affective memory was first coined by French psychologist, oh and I’m probably gonna butcher this but let me give it a go, by French psychologist Theodule-Armand Ribot in the 1890’s. Affective meaning emotional; expressing emotions. We then see in the teachings of Stanislavsky, his use of emotion memory influenced by the work of Ribot. It’s the process of recalling an event from your feeling of the experience and using that response to aide the actor in living through a role. Towards the end of his career Stanislavsky abandoned the emotion memory work for further focus on sensory work & physical actions. Stanislavsky understood our emotional responses could not be forced but was never able to create a system for stimulating them. Strasberg, having studied this system when he trained at the Laboratory Theatre, took the exercise and structured it in such a way that the actor not only has the ability to stimulate the emotion from a memory, but can repeat the process and emotional response when needed. One of the criticisms against the exercise, was the idea this work amounted to nothing more than “amateur psychiatry.” The legendary actress and teacher Ms. Stella Adler herself, who knew Strasberg from working with him and the Group Theatre, despised this work. She actually met and trained with Stanislavsky in Paris and told him point blank, “Mr. Stanislavsky, I loved the theatre until you came along, and now I hate it!” During Strasberg’s years as Artistic Director of The Actor’s Studio, home of ‘method acting,’ he continued to explore and develop the power of affective memory and improvisation in his teachings.
The following is a passage from Lee Strasberg’s book “A Dream of Passion: The Development of the Method” he says:
“The actor’s instrument, however, is himself; he works with the same emotional areas which he actually uses in real life…. The actor is both the artist and the instrument – in other words, the violinist and the violin…The Method, therefore, is the procedure by which the actor can open control of his instrument, that is, the procedure by which the actor an use his affective memory to create a reality on stage.”
Quick side note: In acting, the terms affective memory and emotional memory are used interchangeably, however, both Stanislavsky and Strasberg refer to them in their writings predominately as emotion or emotional memory, so that’s what we’ll call it.
The Emotional Memory Exercise
This is the big mystery and intrigue of the Method. It’s the term many people are familiar with that gives this form of acting so much reverence and criticism. The emotional memory exercise is designed to access a significant emotional moment in your past to illicit an emotional response that can then be used to connect with a character’s reality and circumstances within the play. In essence, dredge up shit from your past that might connect to what the character is experiencing. To accomplish this, the actor sits in an armless chair and moves through their relaxation work, ya know, the stuff we started doing at the beginning of this series with the cup. They move through their relaxation work, they then begin doing sensory work on the moments leading up to the memories event. They continue their relaxation and sensory work, delving further into the memory, until the point an emotional response emerges. At this point, you’re done. All you really need to know is how to get in and out of it unscathed and you’re good to go. Now, when you begin studying this it’s important to work with an instructor who knows what the hell they’re doing, who can guide you into through and out of this exercise successfully. After that you can pretty much, like with the sensory work, do it solo.
Not many of us want to sit around reliving some of our most awkward, uncomfortable or painful moments. Yet we do. When we get trapped in our heads replaying situations and events that have transpired in our lives, like a record on loop, we are actively engaged in the process of delving into our emotional memory. Because what happens when we bring up these memories? We trigger the same anger or fear. Our breathing may accelerate or become shallow. We stimulate the sensations in our body that were active when we first experienced the event. That’s the goal of emotional memory work.
One of the requirements of the emotional memory exercise is that the event must be from at least seven years prior. The idea is that if it’s recalled from that far back and still brings a strong emotional response, then it’s a richer tool to use. I also feel it gives space and enough distance that you’ve dealt with the emotions connected to that memory. That’s not always true because all of us have different levels of emotional intelligence (we’ll get into that later). But in general, if you think about it, when you recall an emotionally heightened moment from your past, like way back past, and it still stirs your guts, it’s fucking powerful. It is your choice what memories to explore and which ones should be left alone, and some memories should be left alone. It’s also important to remember that it’s not a requirement for the exercise to use a tragic moment from our past – you can use one of the happiest moments in your life.
Like Harry conjuring his Patronus!
Harry Potter: "And how do you conjure it?"
Remus Lupin: "With an incantation, which will work only if you are concentrating, with all your might, on a single, very happy memory."
That was a terrible Harry Potter and Remus Lupin but…stick with me.
To expel a dementor you must use a powerful happy memory to produce a Patronus. When Harry found that moment it filled him to the point uttering the words “Expecto Patronum” created his stag Patronus. The story Harry used was powerful, that’s why it worked. He had to access it with enough detail through relaxation and concentration to ignite the power of that emotion. That’s how the emotional memory exercise works. Mr. Harry Potter did some ‘method acting’ up in Hogwarts!
Our lives are full of emotional memories we store away. An actor just happens to be someone who’s willing to unlock those moments and share the essence of the experiences with us to touch our souls. Strasberg sums up the exercise by stating, “in being able to recreate it and express it, the actress develops the ability to control the expression of her emotions on stage.” And as parents, being able to control the expression of our emotions is one of the most daunting tasks we face. Even harder, is learning to let go of a need to control our children’s expression of their emotions. In “A Dream of Passion” there is a quote I connected, as a mom, so viscerally, it says:
“It is important to differentiate between those actors who are inhibited from feeling emotion and those who experience very deeply and intensely, but have been brought up in an environment that did not encourage and develop their capacity to express this intensity.”
Earlier, I brought up emotional intelligence, we’ll get to that, after this.
*Angelica Interlude
Ok –
I crying mom.
You were crying?
Yeah.
Why were you crying?
Because I really needed you back.
You really needed me back?
Mmhmm.
Why did mommy leave in the first place?
Umm, because I was crying like this – (fake cries)
Mommy didn’t leave because you were crying.
I just cry.
Why did mommy leave the room and make you cry?
Because, I really needed you back.
Well, I’m here now.
Oh, hello mom.
Well, hello angelica. We ready to brush our teeth?
Yeah!
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically; basically, to be good at handling the emotions of others too. Each of us has this built in, to varying degrees, but it’s also something that can be taught and developed if we are lacking in this skill, and let’s face it when you look at the state of the world, most of us are lacking in this department.
Now, I’m trained as an actor, I know emotions, I can name them, feel them, sense them in others and I know emotional meltdowns, I know they’re fine, even healthy; I experience them on the reg. Why do I have such a difficult time allowing my daughter to express her emotions without it sending me into my own emotional crisis? If ever there was a safe time to be allowed to express your intense feelings, it’s when you’re a kid in the safety of your own home. The only way I can teach my daughter feelings are fleeting, to not identify as her feelings or hold them as some belief of who she is, is to let her have her meltdowns and tantrums completely. And all I need to do is the same thing I did in my acting classes when others were going through their own emotional work – observe with my full attention and leave them the hell alone. They were fine. They were doing hard work. Handling your emotions is hard work. I never thought of going up to a fellow actor while they were in the middle of an emotional episode to try and comfort, console, distract, deflect, scold, scorn, punish, ridicule, negotiate with or pacify them. Because they had to go through the work, to learn from it and grow. My job was to sit and hold space for them through their journey.
My presence lets my daughter know she’s safe and that mommy’s not scared of her feelings nor should she be. I don’t have to make her stop crying or make her feel bad for vocalizing her anger. I get fucking pissed when someone wants me to adjust my emotional state because they can’t or are choosing to not want to deal with it; and I’m a grown ass adult, why am I surprised when a child responds with the same indignation? I don’t have to let her tantrum drag me into the pit of despair. If I allow my child to push me over the Cliffs of Insanity (and they are fully capable of such a feat, do not underestimate them my friend, for the love of God do not) well, then I have failed her. She deserves so much better than that.
So, going back to an idea I touched on in like the very first episode, if my daughter is my scene partner, then I must always keep my objective in mind when choosing how to respond to what my partner gives me. And that’s insanely difficult. Finding a way to click into a state of relaxation, keeping my concentration and attention on her, allows me the space to choose the action that, in this particular moment, gets us closer to the over arcing objective of our story. That is parenting from a place of emotional intelligence. If we can find a way to model that to our kids, they will utilize this skill in every situation and relationship they experience throughout their life. What a world that would be, huh?!!!
So lovelies, I’ll ask you again
Do our memories and our feelings surrounding them shape the story of who we are?
Do we give our kids space to feel their feelings and honor their process of their emotional growth?
What is emotional intelligence and how do we develop it within ourselves so we can nurture it in our children?
I’ve probably said this twice already on this podcast, everything we encounter leaves an imprint on us. The memory of every sensation we’ve experienced resides in our body. The memory of every emotion we’ve felt lives in our soul. We create our identity from our life events and our emotional interpretation of those events. The ability to grow and evolve in our thinking, beliefs and emotional availability is part of what makes us different from other animals. We are ever changing. Our emotional life fluctuates, our memories distort over time, our bodies develop and then decline. Developing our emotional intelligence allows us the space to ride these changes from a place of acceptance and compassion. Each day I wake up with the intention of being the rock Angelica needs, which means my intention, also, has to be on my own self-awareness and self-regulation. I want her to grow up knowing she’s safe in her home to express her intense feelings and they were welcomed, accepted, understood, challenged, and respected. If we can succeed in that, well, then we win at parenthood.
A Short Story Before We Go
Memory of an Emotional Memory
‘Next.’
I moved up in the line as another student took their place in the black armless bucket chair in the center of the studio. This exercise doesn’t normally occur procession-style, but our teacher was being as creative as possible to get us up to speed on certain method skills we were at this point in our training…lacking. Not because we needed anything like remedial method work, we just hadn’t collectively gotten off on the right foot first semester with our former teacher. My words to the administration, when called in for questioning, were, “I’m not here to get anyone fired and I’m not here to attack anyone in my class, I’m here to tell you the environment is toxic and I cannot see how we can continue another semester like this.” Ahhh, first year grad school - it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
I remember dreading and feeling excitement about this exercise; I think a lot of us did. Looking back, I feel like this marked a moment we referred to as the emotional masturbation phase of the process. It’s like this, I wanted every acting class to be a cathartic experience of ripping my guts open in front of everyone and languishing in the blood I spilt and being told I was very brave for doing it. This is why actors get a bad rap.
‘Next.’
Seven more people in front of me. I watched a girl with long dark hair take the seat and begin her relaxation work. Instead of a few classes dedicated to each of us taking our time to explore our memories, working into and through, sitting with and working out of each sensation that pulsed through us, we attacked it like pulling off a band-aid, boom and done.
‘Next.’
Three more people. My stomach was full of knots and were making me queasy. There was a level of anticipation at the huge release I’d feel and how powerful my experience would be. I am a highly emotional person, and it takes very little to make me cry; I am the person advertising and marketing pro’s make commercials with babies, dogs and Kleenex for – they get me every time. It would take me the entirety of my training to not just understand the manipulative nature and bland color chronic tears can bring to a role but be able to make different choices spurred by other emotions.
‘Next.’
One more person. I did a last-minute check through my memory while also trying to focus on the person working so I wasn’t ‘anticipating’ (that’s a big acting no-no). Some actors experienced a huge emotional release and others didn’t. What would happen once I sat in that chair? Mentally, I was reminding myself it didn’t matter what happened because this was just a short exploration for us all to learn how to get in and out of the exercise on our own. I just wanted –
‘Next.’
As I crossed downstage, or down studio, to the black chair I kept my nervous energy focused on my breath. I sat and looked directly at my teacher with an anxious face. Like with every other student, she told me to begin my relaxation. I shook out tension, made ‘ahh’ sounds with my neck rolls and arched through my back before settling down in my seat. She asked me to begin describing the room I was in. She encouraged me to work sensorily through the room, slowly, leading up to the moment the event occurred. I feel like I was getting close to the event and there was definitely something that was shifting in me, some emotion or sensation traveling through my body in a way I couldn’t quite be sure of and then…she was bringing me back to the room. Telling me to open my eyes and take a breath. And then –
‘Next.’
Well, my affective memory experience did not give me the…emotional release I was looking for. And there in lied the problem – I was expecting a specific result. I was a new student who wanted to get all the answers and experiences my first go and that’s not how acting works – that’s not how life works! Ok, so yeah, did I feel cheated out of an experience I anticipated having? Maybe, at the time a little. But a decade later reflecting on it, doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
Raise A Glass Series
The Raise a Glass Series is a space for reflection and gratitude centered around the topic of the day and inspired by lyrics from Hamilton the Musical.
“I was twelve when my mother died, she was holding me, we were sick and she was holding me, I couldn’t seem to die.”
What a devastating emotional memory. That is one of the many that seemed to fuel Alexander Hamilton to write his way out. To hear him relive this emotional memory in the middle of Hurricane, acts as some of his justification for then writing The Reynolds Pamphlet. This pamphlet clears his name of any treasury misconduct but destroys his image and relationship with his wife and family. Being fueled with devastating emotional memories and a lack of emotional intelligence is a recipe for a life of destructive behavior. The Reynolds Pamphlet wasn’t to protect his family and those he cherished, it was to save his ass, his career after being caught in a scandal. When we live honorably, we choose actions that bring us peace and bring about the well being of others. We operate from a place of self-awareness and self-regulation, respect and empathy; operating from a high level of emotional intelligence.
Let’s raise a glass to developing our emotional intelligence. When we can all do that, we can change the world.
That’s all for today guys and dolls. Thank you so much for joining me again for another episode. As always, I hope this brings some joy into your day so your light can shine brighter.
Next week we’ll take our final exploration into Lee Strasberg’s Method, with the final episode in the Method series and it’s both a recap of what we’ve explored and a part two to the Song & Dance episode. For more nerdy theatre links feel free to check out the link on the MFA website, which is in the show notes below.
Also, if you are on Instagram so am I. You can find me @mfaparentingedition and give me a follow.
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Again, thank you and I’ll see you on the other side
Mom: Angelica, can you say good-bye?
Angelica: Good-bye, good-bye.
Mom: Thank you.
Angelica: Thank you.